A friend has been posting lately that she keeps playing cards she finds because they tell a fortune as they can be used in place of tarot cards. She’s been doing this for a while but just started posting more recently and I thought it was interesting. My 26th birthday was last week and the bar I was at gives out playing cards when you leave for a moment so you can get back in if there’s a line. I didn’t need to take one as there wasn’t a line but I thought it would be fun. I shit you not this guy hands me the 10 of spades and when you quickly google that you read a lot about death, endings and hitting rock bottom so que me fucking leaving. It hit me moments later this was my first birthday, first milestone without my mom and the full weight of every motherless milestone started to be a real thing instead of this abstract painful thing I knew to expect in the future when I got married or had kids. The ending had already happened and this was the first realization of that. I’m not sure if I read this card correctly but this had clearly been weighing on me although it hadn't really entered my mind that day so I feel as though it served its purpose. Anyways, the door guy is probably still very confused by how he made me so upset, I’ll have to remember to explain next time I see him.

I’ve developed a bit of an interest in tarot cards now. I still only own playing cards but they’ve proven quite useful in the 2 tarot spreads for questions like where am I now ( feeling trapped )/ what’s blocking me ( fear from within, fear of setbacks ) because that’s weirdly accurate. It’s also weirdly comforting. So I decided to ask what’s next with the 10 of spades in mind, what comes after this ending and I received the Joker.

This is also known as the Fool in tarot decks, one of the only cards you can see as upright or reversed. This one was upright and in this position the card represents new beginnings, opportunity and potential. I know this stuff seems silly but this has been a trip.

Now the idea of getting a “real” deck is seeming less appealing, I'm feeling very connected with these cards.