My crazy time continues. Maybe a little less crazy than the whole "I am becoming a father thing".
I have been in therapy for the past 1.5 months and I noticed that it is stopping me from doing my usual "layering-up" after tough times. Usually I try to distract myself with what happened to a point where it does not become relevant. Therapy is keeping me de-layered and feeling naked.
Went to a fun neuroscience conference Mid-July and discussed my data with many people. Got a lot of suggestions and some inspiration from cool speakers like Frans de Waal. The conference was in Berlin so I stayed for another 5 days there to enjoy the city and go dancing with friends.
Re-connected with a friend I "broke up" with last year (because I was madly in love with her and she had a boyfriend and didn't keep her distance...) in Berlin and things worked out fine. Feels better now.
Had one week back in the lab before I traveled north, to Hedeland Denmark where I experience my first The Borderland, the regional burn event of the Scandinavian countries. It was wonderful, sad, hard, exciting, amazing... All the feelings one can have, a burn. It wasn't my first burn, but it was definitely the burn I was most vulnerable at. It felt like I was connecting, emotionally, to many more people than usual. It also had episodes of self-doubt and sadness to it. My flatmate who I schlepped with me enjoyed it very much. Two days after we got back he told me "I miss the burn!". We both had dreams for a week after we came back. For some reason there is much to process after such events.
Just a few days later I traveled to Nancy - France, to meet the girl I met in Israel before the whole pregnancy ordeal. We kept in touch in the past few months and things got more and more intense with time. Now I am basically madly in love and I cannot do anything about it. Throughout out countless Skype convos and phone calls it felt like she feels the same. I was very excited to see her again after these wild months.
As always, things turn out quite different than one expects. We were simply not in sync. While I was in complete affection-mode, she was worried about our possible future together. She feels like she should have children, like, right now. I am in Germany doing my PhD for the next 1-2 years and she is in Israel. Then comes the whole issue with her being jewish and me arab and how our families will deal with that...
What should we do? How do you keep a relationship that is basically based on long-distance for such a long time?
Of course this whole "imbalance" between us was also tough on me. I kept having thoughts of her actually not liking me enough. Her finding out that I am not what she thought I am... Old insecurities that I thought I had conquered and buried 6 meters deep suddenly occupy my mind since I came back from Nancy.
On one hand I am filled with love. On the other I am also afraid of a heartbreak, with old memories bubbling up where I would fall in love, just to find out that I was not loved back. Rinse and repeat. Until it became a habit.
Meanwhile my boss is pushing me to work more. I am finishing my third year. During out last talk I broke and decided to tell him what was going on with me the last few months. He was very accepting and wished I would have told him earlier. I guess I got lucky with this one. Nevertheless, I am still going for 80% workload. Time to get things done.
And in a week, my father is coming for a visit. This time alone... My whole therapy has revolved around our interaction when I was a teenager. I haven't spend time alone with my father since I was 15. I wonder how that will go.
Well.Beep.Boop. Thats where I am. the roller coaster continues.