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comment by b_b
b_b  ·  651 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Paralyzed.

I'm a relatively new father, and I will say with full confidence that it just isn't that complicated. I'm not in grad school anymore, so I can sympathize with the added stress that would be. However, being a dad is minimal compared to being a mom. Just since a couple days ago my kid has learned to pull himself up and stand on two feet (with tons of help balancing). He gets up, smiles about how proud of himself he is, then sits down again, repeats. Sure it takes time, but fuckin-a it's not difficult. I sure do miss going to the movies pretty often, reading as much as I did before he was born, and traveling guilt-free, but those things are minor. If you want to be a good dad, then just be one. I can say from my experience that while I felt a deep sense of responsibility from the moment the kid was born, I didn't feel any profound sense of love. But the more time you spend with him or her, that changes pretty quickly.

When I found out my wife was pregnant I was stricken with anxiety, bewilderment, fear, regret, and I was already married and financially stable. You quickly realize none of that matters. Rich or poor, young or old, married or not, the only way to be a good parent is just to make a choice to be one. Your life will have some adjustments, but you're still you, you still have a full future ahead of you. Who knows? You may even enjoy it. Chin up. You're obviously a smart dude with a lot of life experience, you could make a really good dad, if you allow yourself to be. The one thing you always should keep in mind is that there is one thing every living thing on the planet has in common, and that's that none of us asked to be here.

Cumol  ·  651 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I am trying to imagine myself doing what you just said but it is just physically not possible.

She is moving away in 3 months. Into another city that is 2 hours away by train and I am stuck in my PhD for at least another two years. There is no possibility for me to be there for the child all the time, which means that it will occupy every weekend I have if I want to be a good dad.

What I don't like about the situation is that she chooses to force me into this situation. Knowing fully and well that we had other plans.

oyster  ·  651 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    she chooses to force me into this situation.

I think what you need to come to terms with is that you weren’t raped. The only thing you are a victim of is circumstance, just like the rest of us. She’s making her own plans about being a single mother because she doesn’t want to force you into anything. You’re asking her to walk away from what she see’s as her future child as if it’s so simple... so why is it so hard for you to consider the same option for yourself ? You’re not being forced into fatherhood, but you don’t like what walking away says about you, right ? Maybe she doesn’t want to be forced to be a mother, but she also can’t come to terms with what an abortion says about her. Starting to understand her position now ?

_refugee_  ·  651 days ago  ·  link  ·  

record scratch

what the fuck

b_b  ·  651 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Not trying to say you don't have a tough situation. Just addressing the one part about knowing how to be a good father. Circumstances notwithstanding, that part is way easier than you think it will be. That's all I got.