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comment by _refugee_
_refugee_  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Why American men are getting less marriageable

On an interpersonal level...I don't think there is a such thing as "fair" in relationships, not the way you're quantifying it. Really a good relationship is one in which both partners are happy with everything the other brings to the table. So long as those two are happy, I kind of feel like it's not on me to judge (much). It might not be the kind of relationship that's right for me, and I'd certain say that if I was talking about it, but if the people are healthy and happy then being in's kind of up to them.

There are some people - probably more than some people - that don't want balanced relationships. There are people who want to be the head of the household or are happy being house-spouses. There are way more extreme cases of that spectrum, too.

And's up to each person to decide what's important and how it is to them.

Dating is/should be all about preference. What do you prefer in a partner? What do you like? What makes you feel confident about that person as a partner? To me, having a stable living situation and health insurance is ... well, the first is mandatory and the second strongly preferred but not a make-or-break.

I don't think these qualities can all be ranked linearly...but I think a given person can kind of rank them in bands. For instance, in my "most important" band, I have: having a job, having a stable living situation, be in reasonable physical shape, live their life on about the same sort of schedule I do (I'm a morning person who works 7 a - 5ish; I go to bed at 9. Someone who likes being out til two - that's not going to work for me long term), turn me on, be pretty intelligent, pro-choice, pro-tattoos, like cats. I could go on. And that's just my top tier.

Bottom tier stuff I don't care so much about: whether you like exactly the same bands i like. what you dress like so long as you look reasonably clean etc. what your job is (much more important to just have a job and a good one). whether or not you went to college, whether or not you graduated. if your dick is circumsized. how you put toilet paper on the roll. whether you're close with your family or not. etc etc.

Some people are gonna care about what I don't. And some people aren't going to care about what I do. It's not about fair, it's about what's right for you.

I tend to make more money than the guys I date. I'm used to it/kind of assume it's the case most of the time. I try not to talk about money. I try to split dates (I think that's fair). It's interesting to see when people bring money up and how. it can tell you a lot about a person

Isherwood  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I feel like this thread has shone a light on how few romantics frequent hubski.

OftenBen  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Carlin said that "inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist."

nowaypablo  ·  445 days ago  ·  link  ·  


_refugee_  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Is it romantic to be short sighted?

OftenBen  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think that there is a reasonable argument to be made in support of that position.

The second definition that Google gives me for 'Romantic' is

    of, characterized by, or suggestive of an idealized view of reality.

which sort of necessitates short term irrationality of some variety.

FirebrandRoaring  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You should consider that people might have different priorities before calling them out on lacking reason.

OftenBen  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    calling them out on lacking reason.

Is that what I did?

FirebrandRoaring  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    which sort of necessitates short term irrationality of some variety.

Sure sounds like it.

OftenBen  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I'm sure refugee will let me know if she feels attacked.

FirebrandRoaring  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You've just called romantics partially irrational. Here's someone telling that doesn't sound right — or fair.

OftenBen  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Contained within the definition for 'Romantic' is the word 'Idealized'

    regard or represent as perfect or better than in reality.
FirebrandRoaring  ·  446 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Has what I have to say a chance to sway your opinion?

EDIT: Guess not. I had something to say.

See, wrestling with dictionary trying to find a definition to suit you could be a tricky business. If there's anything I've learned from studying foreign languages, it's that you have to try different sources to get a bigger picture. A formidable worldview advice, as well.

The definitions you gave both come from Oxford Dictionary. A respectable source of information on the English vocabulary, no doubt. However, it smells funny that you would insist on it, despite there being other such sources. My guess from you not replying to this message would be that you prefer that definition because it suits your agenda: that romantic people are naive and clueless towards life and marital survival of the fittest.

You're allowed to have opinions, of course, and I will respect your opinion if it's borne of solid information. However — and I hate to jump to conclusions, but your withdrawal from the discussion leaves me no choice — it seems that you'd prefer your view over others' because it's yours, rather than entertain the possibility that others — like, say, romantics themselves — could hold more solid data about what their view is than what you may have concocted on your own sans evidence.

But, back to the dictionary game:

    4 a. marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized

Look at that! Another definition. Thank you, Merriam-Webster: another great source of semantical information about the English language. Why not choose this one when it was readily available? It's even higher up there in the search results in Google, so it couldn't have been your first choice. Did you have to look for something that fits your agenda?

That's even before we start with what I, as a romantic person, would have to say on the matter.

I haven't seen you attach so much weight on the evidence of the dictionary before, so I'm not going to assume it your modus operandi. Instead, I'm going to tell you this: research the shit you talk about before giving some to others. "Must be irrationality" — what nonsense.

"Well, I didn't say it". "Well, I didn't hurt anyone". And what you say still doesn't hold.

Isherwood  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

No. I was thinking more about the mindset that creates an objectively good mate as opposed to the more subjective, romantic notion.

kleinbl00  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The most romantic MFer in the world will get clinical AF when they're not in a relationship.

Really? Romance is "I want all these things, but this person makes me want them."

francopoli  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The Romantics are fools and idiots.

user-inactivated  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Hmm. I think it's more of the case that it's easier to be pragmatic when you're analyzing the lives and decisions of others or when looking at our past decisions with sober insight. When we're caught up in the ebb and flow of our own lives though, living in the present? Romantacism often wins out.

Isherwood  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

That's fair. If I wrote out why I chose my spouse I'm sure it would read pragmatically.