========== Glad your brother's okay. Both of you, keep on rockin'.QED(?)
Hit me bro, I can't be shaken any harder than I've already been shook-ded
This is my third beer. It's also the reason I started brewing: Chinese beer is German beer, and it is boring. China needs a beer with Chinese character. This is a red ale with red (azuki) bean and ginger. It's called Red Flag Flying. I tried it flat when I bottled it Monday and it was delicious. Two weeks for carbonation. Just in time for Chinese New Year. I'll take pics when I pour it.
The word is "liberation", after the War of Liberation that the Chinese call the Communist revolution.
Bittersweet start to the year. On a “career” level, things could hardly be better. I finished up the article write-up of my work last year and sent it forward for my higher-ups to check out. It was the definitive box to tick that would signify the end of 2017 and the beginning of 2018 – which also means that I am now officially starting my PhD. First order of business: proposal. Also in the pipeline is a trip to Vancouver to present my work at a fancy conference, as well as the opportunity to head to Portugal and Finland for my case studies and sampling. Unfortunately, life comes at you hard – my supervisor was diagnosed with cancer early last year and just learnt that it has spread all over. Terminal, with a horizon of end April. I’m finding that it’s a really strange thing to process. Time will tell. But I do know that I have a massive fire in the belly to get my proposal done such that I can present it with her there – just on a personal level it feels important. Tough months ahead… Peace DW
I'm starting my first ever capital-J Job in eight days. I still don't have a new apartment. But we're really goddamn close: we have a "reservation", which means they won't give it to someone else in the meantime, and we sent nearly all of the two dozen documents they want. Then the official owner of the property needs to give the thumbs up, but since that's some real estate business that should be fine? (It's a fucking one-year contract and we've shown we have enough savings to rent like three years, so it better be fucking fine.) If we get the thumbs up and get to live there, it'll be damn near perfect. The neighborhood is "rough" by Dutch standards, but the apartment complex is brand-new, 1000sqft, not too long of a commute for me and (divided by two) rent & utilities are really affordable. Plus my housemate will be my best friend that I've known for nine years. In other news, I got myself an iPad Pro for work/home. If anyone has app recommendations, lemme know! I love the thing already: I like to sketch out my thoughts and the iPad is super useful for that kind of work. It's also almost making my desktop PC useless, because consuming media / articles / news / hubski is much nicer on that thing.
I'll still have a new work laptop but I'm pretty sure it'll only be used for a few Windows applications and not a whole lot more. Funnily enough I think the iPad will have a much larger impact on my phone usage. I used to sit on the couch and browse from my (comparatively) teeny tiny phone screen, but I much prefer the iPad for that now. If I look at my phone home screen, I could see myself removing more than half of the apps on there. The only thing I really need my phone for is calling, Whatsapp and 4G LTE.
I've held out getting an iPad for years now. I love my 15-inch Macbook Pro, can't imagine being more productive on an iPad. I listened to CGP Grey describe his setup and how the iPad Pro was like the best piece of hardware he's ever owned.
Well, the iPad will be in addition to a laptop that I'll need for GIS and working together with others, so it'll definitely not be my only device for productivity. I did realize that on my 13"MBP, I did not do much more than text editing and browsing, so it's not a loss in my mind. I'm pretty sure it was this Cortex episode that got me interested in using an iPad. I already use pen & paper as a way to get my thoughts straight but want to up my ante. Playing around with GoodNotes and Concepts already has me confident that I've made a good decision.
I had a couple ipads. They're fun to play with it you don't need a keyboard for something and just want to sit around without a laptop in your lap. I can't imagine being productive with one but I suppose it's doable with a Bluetooth keyboard. Without that it's a giant phone. I'm curious about the pencil but I'm a traditional media dinosaur so I don't even see myself ever bothering to even play with one for art. YMMV
NAMM is this weekend. I have passes. I'm not going; I have a friend I haven't seen since 2009 who has flown out to Seattle so I'm flying up to see him. I was supposed to be his best man at his wedding but I had death flu and it was at a bed&breakfast that they told us you couldn't get to without four wheel drive. Still bummed about that; stoked to see him. My buddy with the pancreas? The one who couldn't get his insurance to pay for his immunoglobulin? Yeah, kidney function is under 15% now. Immunoglobulin is now worthless and they have to pay to put in a new fistula. He's flying out to see his sister because... you know. Hard to travel when you're on dialysis and because he needs another kidney and another pancreas, he needs another dead guy. His family can't fly out because his brother-in-law has an inoperable brain tumor.
At least you're keeping tabs on the guy. There are worse scenarios in your buddy's situation in which his physical state creates all kinds of mental instability and self-sabotage.
I'm struggling with separating what I actually want to do (on any timescale: today, this year, with my life) from what I think other people want me to do. My thinking is so saturated with the need for people to like me that I internalize other people's expectations as my own desires. Intellectually, I understand that it's more important that I like myself than that other people like me, and that if I continue the way I've been going I'll end up dissatisfied with my life and resenting everyone else for reasons that I won't be able to explain. But on some level I remain unable to detach myself from other people's expectations. I'm writing a list of everything that other people expects of me, who expects it of me, and why I even care. It's very long, and most of column 3 is "i want [them] to like me" or "i don't want to disappoint [them]." Which was expected, but still kind of sobering. It's kind of amazing how detached I feel from my own fucking desires. Why is it so difficult to figure out what I want? (Because for 18 years I've allowed what I want to be suppressed or altered by what other people want.) In other news, I think I've survived another depressive episode. Feeling better today than I have in 2 weeks. Hoping to find therapy here next week, although all indications are that it'll take forever to get an appointment, and I'm only here until the end of Feb. We'll see.
People think far less about you than you do. Far less. Like almost not at all. Their judgments are quick, shallow, and uninformed, through no fault of their own. Your judgements of them are no different. In short, galen is most qualified to make those decisions. Also, you'll find that living to their expectations isn't why the good ones liked you. Finally, when some one you admire for what they have done has a critique to share, listen.
The first four paragraphs is what I've been going through, myself. Whatever you're feeling is okay. That's the first step: accepting how you feel. No justifications, no second-guessing: just "that's how it is". My biggest reason to fall back and let the whims of others take me was because I was afraid of failing at whatever I planned. I've never acted on my own: it was always someone else's idea that took me forward. As a teenager, I even sought out others' suggestions to work on because that's the only thing I could work on: my own ideas I was always pushing away from. Breaking into my own life was a big shock, because now I had to figure out what to fill my days with, and in the end, binge-watching your favorite show can only get you so far before you're sick of lying in bed with the laptop on your belly. It took a while, with experimentations, mistakes and coming back to the safe space of doing nothing productive for hours and filling my sadness away with food. Now, I think I'm starting to figure it out, "starting" being the operative word. For one, I'm mostly a rebel, so plans and strict frameworks are not for me. My activities are spontaneous, and I dwindle in confinement. So they should remain, otherwise I'm left feeling vaguely (or sharply, when the pressure is high to proceed) dissatisfied with what I'm doing, with no particular reason to ascribe it to. Maybe you're different, and maybe the way you do things will be different from mine, but I found it important to understand that it's okay to be me, and I think you would, too. It took a while to get to that conclusion, with a lot of research fueled by a vague momentum towards it — roughly seven years — so don't feel unsuccessful if you don't crack it right here and now. At one point, I got disappointed with my desire to not disappoint people: it always felt empty, whatever I did to achieve that; superficial, with no essence or real ground behind it. After one too many times, I stopped worrying about it and let go, finding something else in its stead. My advice to you would be to go about life the way you see best. If it's the desire to not disappoint others, so be it. But also, don't stop thinking about what you want your life to be. I think that eventually, the shallow distaste of the reward you thought you were looking for and the desire to have something better shall prevail, and you'll find a better way to go about your life. There's no need to force it: even non-rebels don't go against what they believe easily. Take your time, and take care of yourself while you're at it: there's only one person after all the worries are done that's going to be there for you.
My perception of my own identity was almost non-existent until about a year ago. As I've been growing my awareness of my likes, dislikes and feelings I've realized I lack the vocabulary to adequately describe what I want. I think what simplifies my desires the most is that I want to feel a sense of peace and importance (as well as to be appreciated). I also have a vague desire to try and actually make change in this world, but I've come to the conclusion that all I can effect over the next few years is the small social community directly around me, and/or myself. Change is a difficult challenge. Trying to turn new actions into habits takes will and dedication which I still need to grow. But ultimately some sort of change is what I want, I'm working on trying to define exactly what that is still. What I have done is started a regular yoga practice as well as improved my diet.Which I still struggle to maintain sometimes, it's actually been a few days since I've done yoga haha. That's life though, and it takes time to fully establish habits. I expect the details of my wants to change in my future, but I know that no matter what life path I take I will appreciate staying in good health longer. Anyhow, that's my plan for the present and I'm still working on figuring this whole life thing out. I'm glad you're feeling better though :) I hope that the positive vibes stay with you this week :)
saaaaame Well, I'm getting better at it at least. I think my dad realized that I just kept picking programs in school because I thought I had too and that it was getting to be expensive so they don't ask as much now. They still push a little I guess that's fair when your daughter seems to be aimlessly living in the mountains. Thing is, we are all so bound up in other peoples expectations. I remember going to a baby shower when I got home from living out west/east for a bit and realizing everybody felt the same way. I was feeling bummed that I could have finished an undergrad by then and some people who did finish an undergrad felt no closer to knowing what they actually want and damn maybe they could have been travelling during that time. I guess it was almost 2 years ago I made lists of things I liked/disliked and why. I even asked KB for movie suggestions because I assumed they wouldn't be tainted by opinions of anybody I actually knew in person, I was right. I don't know if it was that process that actually helped or if it just kickstarted my consciously questioning these things. The same thing happened this year when a therapist recommended I start a journal of my emotions through out the day, I did the journal thing but mainly I just did it in my head ( as I assume normal people already do ). I think those exercises just gave me permission and it's a lot easier to figure out what you want in life when your focus has been shifted from "how will this make others feels" to "how does this make me feel".
Back to work after 2 days in the hospital for dizziness and chest pain with no answers. My anniversary was a lovely, relaxed, quiet day. I have to pick up a cake Friday for the fiancees birthday this weekend. I hate to write off whole months as a loss, but this one has been difficult. My head is above water, so I'll call that a success.
Well, my boss and one of my teammates were fired. My two other teammates were lopped off and sent to another department and now I report directly to our VP. She told me things were going to change, but in standard fashion, nothing has. My old boss is trying to recruit me away and I feel like I'm in a position where there's no right answer. I also found out a woman I worked with a year or two ago spent most of the time we worked together telling people I stole her job and that's the reason an entire department stonewalls me. It's some high school bullshit and I'm not a fan. But my best friend from school is getting help and looking to reconnect so we're going to start playing games once a week, which makes me happy.
Reading this, I think I'm more annoyed by the reaction of the department than the person. There will always be that one person, but if someone told me someone else stole their job, I'd be more judgmental of that person. Stole how? Objectively better at the role? More able to perform subjective aspects of it? Just a better fit? The more sinister reasons (nepotism, discrimination) wouldn't use the phrase "stole." So it's disappointing any group of people bought into that.a woman I worked with a year or two ago spent most of the time we worked together telling people I stole her job and that's the reason an entire department stonewalls me.
Guess It depends on what your old boss can offer you and where he stands in his new job. You probably cant win at the old job but you might be able to if you go elsewhere, especially if you are recruited in as you have a lot of value in the negotiationMy old boss is trying to recruit me away and I feel like I'm in a position where there's no right answer.
Hmm. He's just a random wandering guy. I originally had this big idea of him finding himself in a city full of weird people and creatures but I don't know if I'm still gonna go that direction. Partly because I think some of the scenes and ideas I have in my mind are beyond my capabilities to draw, but also, cause honestly if you look back at my stuff, I'm not really interested in drawing cities. I like meadows and deserts and mountains and forests and stuff. So, I think, maybe he'll just wander the wilderness. Who knows?
Maybe he finds a group of other misfits while on it. I figure if he's unique and prefers outside of city, those like him might have the same idea. You could even draw a city populated by the ordinary ones, to show contrast. Put as much discomfort in their portrayal as you see fit.
The other night the house was flooded with acetone fumes from the neighbors downstairs. They're doing something to the floors and filled the whole place with a coat of acetone, leaving the windows open to let the fumes waft into the condos upstairs. I had to take the cat and hole-up in the car for a few hours while I figured out how to air-out our place. That was fun. Other than that I've been working on some unfinished art to pair with my music project. I have: A phony subway map of all the tracks A monolith on a martinscape and some hokey elk bird tiles What I'd like to do with some (all?) of these is print them onto paper then scan them back at high-res to get some texture to it to curb the digital-ness.
Holy crap I LOVE the idea of the subway map of tracks... how they relate to each other... thematically, musically... intersections being literal intersections between the tracks... It'd be an interesting way to analyze a group of tracks and decide if they were "related enough" to put together into a single release, or if they should be released as separate tracks. What an interesting way to view your music....!
The music project sounds bitchin'. That's a fine track list design. Sharing once done? Oof. Yourself and your stuff okay?The other night the house was flooded with acetone fumes from the neighbors downstairs. They're doing something to the floors and filled the whole place with a coat of acetone, leaving the windows open to let the fumes waft into the condos upstairs. I had to take the cat and hole-up in the car for a few hours while I figured out how to air-out our place.
It actually is done: http://elkbird.bandcamp.com/ I'm just slowly pushing out promotional material after the fact. The fumes were a nuisance, but they didn't seem to cause any harm, especially having sat outside the affected area the whole time.
Dude. Bitchin' sounds, like out of a neon, Tron-esque space opera.
I really like your Elk Bird blocks. They'd be awesome on a sweater. Have you tried to see if there are any filters in the digital editing program you can use? If not, your printing idea sounds really good. One of the things you might want to look at is getting some of the fancier business papers out there. You can get papers with all sorts of color tones from ivory to tea colored, textures from marble to granite to speckled, to specialty fibers like 100% cotton.
Well, instead of sleeping I accidentally found a bridging program at a University that sounds kind of perfect for me. Basically you take courses that work towards the degree you want but you only take a few and the rest of your time is workshops/mentoring to help you get back into the whole thing. Considering I haven't actually addressed the learning disabilities in any significant way this program seems like the best way to address it in an actual academic setting before overloading my schedule. It's a good University with a good reputation that also happens to be in the city I'm from. I was pretty settled on living somewhere a few hours from home forever so I'm a little upset over how much sense this makes. I've got all the courses I need to get into the program so all I've got to do is write an essay about what held me back before and how I intend to overcome it. That's easy enough and I feel a lot more comfortable telling them what held me back since they specifically asked for it. Otherwise it just feels like whining and making excuses. So ya, life's going places as it usually does, and I'm feeling good about the direction.
There's a state tax credit that I'm applicable to recieve based on my status as a low income homeowner. I was keen to apply for it, but this was March of 2017 and you don't apply for specific tax credits until you file all your taxes, right? So I shelved the literature for the time being. Fast forward to yesterday. I bring up the tax credit information. Oh, look! It could actually save me $2,500! Now how do I apply... oh fuck. The deadline was in September of 2017. And that's when I realized that not all taxes and their credits revolve around the April 15th federal deadline. That was a gut puncher: Unexamined assumptions about how tax credits work precluded me from a few Gs. Right there, in the literature, big letters (though on the second page...) SEPTEMBER 1 DEADLINE. I’m still gonna apply. Who knows. Other than that, life is peachy. School starts next Monday and I’m the most excited I’ve ever been for a semester. It’s all that’s on my mind. It’s gonna also be the toughest semester yet, but I’ve been preparing all winter break. Have money squirreled away so I won’t need to work part-time. I’m not drinking this semester in order to concentrate and save money, but also to challenge myself and be healthy. I also spent the break setting up my basement as an office for studying. Got a big shag rug, a couch to make it feel cozy, and a monitor for dual screening. Now if I could only will myself to cook...
In the text, Faustus is reading the Vulgate of Saint Jerome, and comes to Romans 6:23: "The wages of sin is death," he quotes, and stops right there, despairing, without turning the page. Dr. Hemple looked out at the class. "You're all good Christians, right? What's the rest of the verse? What would Faustus have seen if he'd turned the page?" There had been no answer. " 'For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Don't you understand? Faustus was eternally damned because he was a bad reader." It's a bit more extreme, but this made me remember a scene from The Solace of Leaving Early.When they finished the play, the professor asked the class, "What was Faustus's real sin? Where did he really fall?" And there had been the standard answers: He was greedy. He desired power, knowledge. He was lustful and blasphemous. Dr. Hemple agreed Faustus had been all those things, but that Marlowe had very carefully planted a clue in the first scene in the play; he had revealed the trap from the beginning.
I’ve got this app called Mealime that gives you recipes and builds grocery lists which actually makes the whole thing more enjoyable. There’s also a website called Cook Smarts that I haven’t signed up for but the free trial was preeeettty cool and they still send me tips on cooking. I found it a lot more enjoyable when I could actually make something interesting.
That app looks cool as hell. I'm gonna check it out tomorrow when I do meal planning. Thank you!
I have to recommend my roommate for my school's alcohol abuse program thing. He has a history of going out on the weekends and returning to do some pretty unprofessional shit, like going into plebe (freshmen) rooms and bothering them at night which fucks with chain of command-- he already once narrowly avoided getting in trouble for fraternization. We'll call him Fucko. Last night Fucko came back to the room before curfew and proceeded to fall about as he changed clothes. My other roommate handled it by getting him to bed... ...until we wake up at 4AM because the overhead light turned on and we see another kid in our room fumbling with a bandage as Fucko is bleeding out from top of his head like a fucking water fountain. His sheets are covered in dried blood (and piss) and nobody including the guy with the bandage knows what happened. We have to be up in an hour to go to morning formation anyway so we pick up Fucko-- who had apparently fallen asleep while bleeding until random-guy found him because the blood was all crusted and covered on his face making him look like an Italian Freddie Krueger-- and took him to sick call. My roommate and I are talking about this but we think it's time to get the homie some help. The punishments and consequences are so severe for using alcohol out of regulation so it's a tough decision. Anyway that's how my morning is going.
Do your best to convince him he needs ASAP. I don't know exactly how it works on your side of the house, but generally if you're self-referred you won't face direct consequences. Either way if he can't fix this shit by himself he doesn't belong in this organization.
1SG is already tracking, came in asking if fucko is alright and stuff but didn't flip out. Regs are shady on whether or not we should have reported the event but we're waiting for himto wake up so we can do an approach for clarification and we're gonna recommend ASAP then. Idk if this is on every post but we can recommend him to ASAP as well if he doesn't go himself. Also, really good to hear from you as always! Pm me if you got nothing to do.
Good to hear and good on you for looking after ol' fucko. If top is aware it may already be out of your hands. Thanks man, I try to jump on and throw in a comment or two every so often. Life is full, work is never-ending. Finding a touch of time to do nothing seems more and more important nowadays. I'll shoot you a pm.
You're a good friend. If he's in the right place in his life to accept that he needs help, he will be grateful for you starting the process. If he just gets mad, he probably needs the support even more, because he is incapable of seeing the damage he is doing to himself and others. My best friend since middle school dropped out of school for a year because of his relationship with alcohol, encouraged and supported by his 'brothers' in the fraternity he was involved with.
We're going to talk it out with him first and see what's going on. Our concern is that this guy commissions into the Army with the same (or worsened) behavior and becomes a problem for his unit. Junior officers always complain about having to pick up Private X from jail at 2AM and having to deal with PVT x, y, and z's DWIs-- thinking about it being the other way around when his subordinates see him like this... it's just not tolerable.
Life is better this week; not feeling as overwhelmed which is nice, and I think getting to see some family over the weekend helped so much. Plus now my fiance's sister is married! Fiance and I were dancing during the reception and had this exciting but also kinda weird realization that the next wedding we'll go to is ours. Starting to set the fire under myself to get plans nailed down, though our date isn't until October. I lost my cell phone on Friday. Left it, dead, on top of a car that then drove across Cincinnati, so it's gone for good. I've surprised myself in really dragging my feet on getting a new one though. Like the first couple days were super hard because I felt like no I neeeeeeed my phone ahhh but with the wedding and having to do pre-planned things for planning ours there really wasn't time to spend an hour or two at the store getting a new one. Then I noticed by Monday that I actually feel pretty great without a phone. When I go on runs it's just me whoever I'm with, the birds, the plants, etc. I used to hate running without music, but this week it has been so calming. And now about a week in, I can tell my focus is better and my mind is quiet. Kinda want to see how long this can go... Mars driving post will happen in the next couple days. I got really inspired to work on the Nepal pictures/video so now that's here + shared with family & friends. Birthday is this weekend and I have no plans. Hopefully my more extroverted friends won't be mad if I just bake things and read because honestly that's all I want to do. Life is good =)
After having a smart phone for about three or four years, I went back to having a flip phone. It took a bit getting used to not having mobile internet or e-mail, but after that, it's become amazing. I didn't know how much of my attention went to the smart phone until I no longer had it.
Right? I'm sure I was spending way too much time with my little screen. Ooops. So now I've got a flip phone. I'd forgotten how satisfying it is to hang up calls by closing the phone. Plus hitting the keys a million times to text = just saying 'screw it' and calling people. I can see this being a good change already.
I fell back in love with my dumb phone almost immediately because I was paying too much attention to the screen before. The predictive text is a bit of an adventure sometimes, but other than that, I love it. Has it taken you any time to get used to at all or have you pretty much picked up on things right away?
I'm 26 now. It's not that I'm feeling old, it's more or less, I'm feeling irresponsible with what I'm doing with my life. Maybe that's not it. In reaction, I've been more... playful? The other day I was walking down a street of puddles because it's been a warm spike in Montreal. I decided to leap over the puddles instead of walking around them, splashing into them and getting my pants wet. More humming. More wordplay, unrestrained. Giving greater weight to what I feel like doing, over what is expected of me. Kind of embarrassing, but I connected with someone after a few years of losing friends and being out of college. By connected, I meant I did the intimacy equivalent of 'hooking up'. More or less, I felt truly comfortable around someone, and by extension, I felt, physically attractive? I've hooked up a few times, but those never made me feel wanted, actually wanted. This made me realize that I had rich inner world inside my head- and that I shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's been three dates, but I messed up last weekend and it's been a huge damper on my mood this week. I made the mistake of asking if she wanted to do the 36 questions game, the one to make people fall in love with each other, and that definitely came off as, 'uh, do you want to fall in love with each other'? It's awkward now. At the age of 26, I'm still learning why it's called a 'crush'.
It's 2018. Have you noticed? Done with the exams for the semester. Big relief. Now I have time to work on the stuff I want. I don't have anything good to share, but I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad some people think my ramblings are worth sharing at times. Oh, and Rosa's been taking a break during the exams. I'll get back to her and her new image soon. Trying to think of ways to make both stories seem relevant in the new world.
TurboTax is spelling my state’s name wrong on their website, after I log in, in the general section used to manage all current tax returns/filings (fed, state(s)). I wouldn’t normally nitpick about this - not one single misspelling outside of any other issues - except TT is a tax preparation service. What I mean by that is their job is to manage, calculate and track peoples’ (many, many peoples’) money. To verify whether a given person owes the government, or the government owes them, and if so by how much. Such accounting strikes me as a rather precise art. One which suffers when faced against small mistakes, small and easy-to-correct mistakes such as the accurate spelling of the jurisdictions for which they offer electronic tax filing services. Why would I ever trust a company’s claim to have verified, not once but twice, all my potential tax breaks and opportunities for refunds - when said company can’t seem to verify the spelling of a proper name? When said company has no controls in place to catch such clerical errors and fix them in a timely fashion? If you ain’t checking your customer-facing webpage for errors, why would I believe you checkin your back-of-house formulae for the same? I’ve actually tried to clue TT in on this stupid, basic oversight of an error twice previously this minth. Call me pendantic/didactic. Like it’s your fucking taxes man. It’s your fucking money. If it’s too much to ask for end-to-end accuracy from my tax prep software, or at least a prompt response to easy-fix issues once they are raised, well, I guess... ...I guess at least I can thank god I didn’t waste my money on it. Next year I’ll file my own. By hand. Why not. At least I know how to spell “Delaware” right. And if I can do that, I bet I can do all the requisite math myself to boot. Sincerely, Details Matter in the great Delmarva, Home of Tax Free Shopping, Favorable Incorporation Law, and Joe Biden (He Uses H&R Block, Personally Speakig)