Slightly panicking. No wait: I have about a month to finish my thesis and I still have to make fixes to my code and still have to write like 50+ pages and also have to decide what to do with my life (or at least narrow my options down) and have to make a few dozen maps and graphs and it has to all be good and one of the workstations I use imploded and I got selected for the PhD but maybe this PhD topic is not as good as it seems or am I not as good as I think? so aaaAAAA PANIC. I think I'll survive, but I'm gonna need more coffee, bartender.
for what it's worth... I don't think you should put that kind of pressure on yourself. For now, just think about "what's next?". You're not about to get on some irreversible course of life. You're a badass mamajamma. You've got skillz. You're published. You're going to come out on top - absolutely.and also have to decide what to do with my life
Thanks, Steve! I try my best. :) Deep down I know it's not irreversible...but whatever I choose, it's a commitment and it's gonna upend a lot in my life. And I don't know what I want, what 'on top' look like. It thus feels like a super important decision with lots of uncertainty and self-doubt, which is fodder for the worrying part of my brain (even though I am happy and lucky to have more than one good option). Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...
I had to come to the realization that my best work is done under ridiculous time crunches. I used to tell clients I'd have their work for them in three weeks. Then spend 2 weeks and 4 days doing anything else, and panicking two days before the deadline and pounding out the work. The worst part of that model is that I spent the better part of two weeks in a funk, feeling like shit about myself, calling myself an asshole for not doing the client's work, and picking myself to pieces. Then I started promising the work "by Friday", or "on Monday". The client's eyes would pop open. They'd say "which month?!?" and I'd reply, "THIS WEEK." Then I'd deliver brilliant work to them, in blazing-fast time, and - guess what? - they'd give me more work. And pay up front for it. Right this moment, I am looking at 9 projects I have to deliver by next Friday. I have a severe head cold. I can't think. But I also know that it will be crunch-time every single day next week, and I will do good work, and it will get done on time. It's weird. I know. But it works for me. And I don't spend weeks beating myself up for being a useless shit - BONUS!
I know more than a few students who have the same workflow - regularly pulling allnighters, or just being caffeine-fueled stress machines. (It's not usually brilliant work, though...) I can't imagine keeping that crunch going for years though! But if it works, and if it pays off, why not? The panic has been motivating me as well. But unlike you, I need that pressure only to get me going. If I don't feel legitimate pressure I have a hard time starting my day productively. Once I get in a flow, I can just continue working until I get tired.
Yeah, caffeine-fueled all-nighters are not my idea of being in "crunch time". That's just Bad Planning. When I think of giving myself short deadlines, I'm thinking about "oh gosh, can I really get this done in 1 or 2 eight-hour long days?" While also getting a full night's sleep, walking the dog, making and eating food, etc. So it is a sustainably tight schedule that I did keep up for years. (And, in fact, am doing right this moment... I have two big proposals due tomorrow, and a full day's work to get them done. So I'm pretty much right on schedule to have a good, productive, busy, and focused day! :-)
The longer your perceived timescale the poorer your perspective on any given situation. Think in terms of "before bed" "tomorrow" "by the weekend" "by next week" "by next month" "by next year" and recognize that the effort you put at the close end of the timeline points the far end in the direction it needs to go.