I'm not doing too well. I spent the weekend unsober all day and am regretting it now, 3 days later. Haven't been capable of doing basic things, or I just keep getting distracted. I'll take a shower once I post this. Edit: It took me way too long to deliberate on posting this. Online comments are the closest representation to my head, but I tend to leave half finished comments unposted because I get embarrassed about going over the deep end. I wasted yesterday's therapy session, I think. My new (and first) therapist is very good at spinning things optimistically, and we're somewhat similar people. This is a disadvantage, because I can only imagine myself in a good mood while talking to him. Now that I'm in a bad mood- I'm not sure how to tell him. Something to my core feels broken. It occurred to me that my version of suicidal ideation is to have this deep desire to hand my life over to some other entity and tell them that they can do better with my life than I can. It's discomforting, but probably natural until I get over my failure to launch thing going on. Is it a dumb idea to throw a dart at a map of the US and fly and stay in a hostel there for a week, for some sort of mental health break? I want to get over my fear of travelling this summer. Two years ago, I traveled across the US to find a new life for myself and became so overwhelmed that I ended up staying at AirBnbs and watching Youtube videos all day, only going out to find a restaurant on the other side of the city to pass time. I was lucky enough to find a job in Pittsburgh after 3 months. My big fear is that 1. this is a waste of money and 2. i'll just do the same thing again. My current avoidance playlist is playing chess and watching youtube videos on chess. Last night I played a bunch of games in the worst mood, and I won one game after being a whole 21.6 points down according to stockfish. I bookmarked the game in pinboard, captioning it "how did you win this game you stupid piece of shit, this is a metaphor for your life." It's the worst game of chess in the world, but it amuses the hell out of me today.
If you're worried about it being a waste of money - have you considered a mental health break in your own city? I find sometimes acting like a tourist in my own town kind of resets my patterns. Just go to new places alone and try to keep your phone in your pocket. If you want to take it to the next level, check into a hostel. Go to a bar you've never visited, hang out at the park, go to a weird concert, wander around random streets. Research meetups or whatever things you do when you're in a foreign city. What makes you anxious about traveling?
The biggest thing that makes me anxious about traveling is that I'm not actually sure what I like doing that I could just do at home. You know in how in your last vlog you're like "I'm sorry for complaining about being at the beach?", I totally feel like that whenever I go out- cause I don't really enjoy much, and I feel like I should be enjoying things. I try to work in different cafes all the time, but I'm still me on the internet, so that doesn't really work. I'm totally thinking about the hostel idea though, it's a little silly because there's only one right next to the art space I frequent a lot, but a new lot of people would be good for me. Sometimes it clicks when I go out, sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be seen again and I can finally act comfortable in my skin.
Ahh the pressure of always be having the time of your life - I'm familiar with that. When you're halfway across the world, burned out and want to lounge around while there is so much going on around - it's hard not to feel guilty. Or feeling grumpy and underwhelmed at some of the earth's 7 wonders. But sometimes we all need a day off! I actually kind of like vlogging because it gives me an excuse to stay in, while not feeling guilty. I think a big part of it is to go to a place you're actually exited to visit, especially if you're going solo. With friends, you can make any shithole fun but if you're alone and not feeling inspired about the place then of course you'll just stay in. Go for a specific festival, or some museum or hike or whatever you don't have back home. And then, invite people you meet to tag along and let the trip unfold I guess. Going on the free walking tours, starting up a game of cards in the common room of the hostel, cooking up some snack for everybody, or inviting everyone you meet to a bar (or a hike the next day) are a great way to make friends to make the vacation more memorable.
Thanks for the tips! Hm. I need to go back to the drawing board, I'm kind of realizing I should probably look into working on the relationships I currently have instead of trying to find enlightenment with strangers, or something.
Heh, alright. Woah, I haven't even tried to do matches with that much time allowed. I really enjoy tactics puzzles and the 5 minute +3 second per move time controls feels like the best expression of that- it doesn't give you enough time to fully think through your position so both players just try to get to the muddled mid-game as soon as possible, and the adding 3 seconds part makes it so that whoever wins the midgame usually ends up winning the endgame. Are you ever on lichess? I'd love to play a correspondence game.