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comment by ThatFanficGuy
ThatFanficGuy  ·  946 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: June 14, 2017

Almost done with the exams.

I'm dedicating today to Grammar and learning the semester's worth of data in a day.

I'm dedicating tomorrow to Philosophy, something I'm leaning to study well just out of spite, similarly in a day's fashion.

There's also the tiny issue of PE and me... khm... taking liberties in participating in classes. Something to solve tomorrow... hopefully.

That leaves two exams to the autumn, meaning I have the whole summer to prepare to them. I intend to do unlike this year and give a bit of every single day to learn a tiny bit more, so that, come September, I be ready to crush it.

Been talking to the Psychology teacher. She was impressed by the work I've made with one of the projects (a team work which I did alone) and offered me to write papers with her if I want to. It's an exciting opportunity by itself, but our interests in what we'd like to study don't align. My instincts tell me I could bend over to make it work... The mature and rational part cuts it off: "You've been through this. This never works".

I slowly come to accept the seemingly inevitable thought that people are never going to be comfortable around me because of who - what - I am. I can be charming and sociable, but it takes so much effort that it isn't worth it for most people. Otherwise, I'm that guy in your group you wouldn't talk to, the guy who's always alone doing some odd stuff you've never even heard of.

I don't know how to open up to people - as in, I don't know what it constitutes and how it is expressed, in practical terms - and I don't know where to start learning that. The way I express myself with people, the things I say are often left unattended, even if it's the best damn piece of writing I've done in a long while (warning: Reddit). Those who break through the invisible wall tend to be people with major character flaws... or at least, that's what I tell myself when they get close.

If I'm not going to be sociable, I might as well leave behind me the kind of work that would make people go "Oh, this is good".

I'm sure Dr. Peterson has something to say about it. The man and I speak the same language, I enjoy listening to what he has to say. He's brutally honest about what parts of humanity he's learned about as a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and I appreciate hearing of all the flaws in how we think laid out the way he lays it out.

Last year, I felt awful about going back to Kemerovo for the summer: it meant that I'd have to be living with my parents again - a thought that, at the time, seemed unbearable. This year, I'm eager to finally return there. I miss the city, I miss the familiarity and the... commonness of it. I miss having a park right beside the yard. I miss the long walks down the street that would give me an hour or two to think about stuff.

And the parents? I can stand that. I noticed how resilient I've become to controversy and disagreement with people, to the point where I can hold my own when assaulted verbally (which some immature people still try to do in games). I don't take things personally lately, which has definitely contributed to my well-being. My parents are going to be mostly living on the dacha for the summer, anyway, and I might very well find myself travelling.

In a proper long message, this would constitute a conclusion. I don't have one for now, so - be well, everyone.

P.S. I'd love to meet some of you and just chat for a while if I ever had a chance. You sound like an awesome company to be in, Hubski.