As I was writing the #russiabynatives post about parenting in Russia, I got myself thinking about self-image - in particular, what kind of self-image children in Russia form.
When I first went to school, I had barely any self-image, but even then I knew that I should work my ass off to please people around me, or my work is useless. If I fail at something, it's my fault, I should be ashamed of my effort and of the decisions and thoughts that led to this point, no matter how close to succeeding I was.
Then I got to see other people, and pieces started to fall apart. I don't remember exactly what started the process, but I was starting to slowly realize that... maybe other people don't blame themselves for failures - or, not as much as I do. Maybe, even though they know they may be at fault, people don't take it to heart and let those mistakes define them or shame them into changing or working harder. Maybe other people actually have a certain base of personality that they rely on that tells them they may not be perfect, but they certainly aren't the worst if they made Mommy sad.
The lack of self-image early on is something that still echoes in my life, so clearly, it is important that children form an idea of themselves the earlier to better.
What kind of self-image did you have growing up? What parental actions made that self-image for you? Was there something specific, or was it a constant presence of something?
I had a pretty non-existent self image at least consciously. I always found it really weird when people would talk about the kind of internal dialogue they have going on surrounding self image. Realistically I have a negative self image but I don't really identify with the self loathing part so people always assume it's great. For example I've never connected with those girls who always have to have their make up done or freak out over a less than perfect picture yet my self esteem isn't really that much higher than theirs. I don't have much confidence in groups but I've never actually consciously avoided them. I have crazy problems with self doubt but I step into roles all the time that I normally doubt myself over. I've gathered that I'm like this because although I have a crappy self-image I'm very disconnected from my self and therefore self-image. I remember being bullied for a short amount of time when I was younger, at the time it never seemed like it bothered me so I decided that maybe I just didn't have the attention span for this. Even the bullying that did bother me didn't bother me in a conscious way. Like other people would think "I'm going to avoid this situation" where as I'm pretty sure if it was a cube that shocked me I would keep picking it up. The mind is freakishly capable at protecting us.
Yes and no. From what I gather if the skill is developed it requires some brutal shit to squash it but if you never developed the skill in the first place due to not having certain things from the get go that will do it as well. Certain things need to be nurtured in the early months and years so having caretakers who are emotionally neglectful early on leads to children who don't really process those emotions properly.
I've spent most my life self contained, self amused and self centered. Almost no one can hurt my feelings (my wife and kid can). I don't think I'm great or anything, but I'm not generally upset with who I am. I care about people to a point and take care not to overly hurt them but it's not in an effort to maintain my self or outward image. I suppose it's because pain is relatable. I think I'm mostly defined by my interests which are capricious and not by any inner fire to be or do any particular thing. I'm mouthy and ridiculous, I'd rather stimulate and surprise people than impress them. I don't know what kind of self image I have, I'm focused on what amuses or interests me more than I'm interested in contemplating my navel. I'm an overweight middle aged guy who is generally liked by most people, not for who I am but for the effort I put into relating to them. I guess that's self image.
My father is a pretty self contained guy who also follows his sense of whimsy. He's not as adept at social stuff as I am. I might take after him in a way. My youth was intellectually stimulating in that I was expose to a fair amount of art, culture, news and had access to a lot of literature. My friends were pretty diverse and had broad interest all the way from when I can first remember until now. Many of the neighborhoods I grew up in were a bit callous. Kids could be mean spirited and violent in their play. It bread a thick skin. My mother was out of bounds harsh and controlling from about age twelve to the point escaped her clutches at nineteen. I think it was pretty formative, building up a wall between who I was and what people try to impose on me. There was a hardness and resilience in me before this point but this time in my life hardened my heart to the opinion of others. I was pretty socially inept until I waited on a few thousand tables in my twenties. I learned that most people don't really care who you are aside from how you make them feel or what kind of energy you push at them. Punk rock probably helped me live for me and care less about the world and it's expectations. You wrote about an incident where you refused a gift from your peers. Next time accept. Accept because it's the kind thing for you to do. By accepting you would have given a gift to your peers. Your energy would be that of acceptance. Every time one of them looked at you they would to some small extent feel their own generosity reflected back at them, you would be to some extent a bigger piece of their world than before. I should have said this at the time you wrote it. This pain tires me, it hurts me, it's my shame when I don't try to help it to smooth it, to make it avoidable. This pain is my pain and I hate it, it's my shame and so I didn't say something at the time. All my most shameful moments are rooted in not facing the these pains. So next time accept the gift. None of your peers care who you are, they care about how you make them feel. They feel that you are apart from them, it's painful an awkward for all of you and they gave you a gift to make it less so. They care about the energy you give to them and how you make them feel, so next time accept the gift.
I gave a thought to the last paragraph. The spirit of your message is something I agree with. It is something I aim to practice because I believe it as well. However, I don't believe it's applicable in this particular situations. Yes, it must make them awkward that I'm so left out. It is, however, because of their attitude that I am to begin with. I believed that my group is supposed to be my second family, and so I tried very hard to blend in, to make contact, to build bridges. None of it mattered much: I was still that weird guy who keeps talking weird shit. I know that because whenever I said or did something that went against the group's idea, I was lashed out at and made a scapegoat out of. Despite providing my best help and advice, I was never respected or even accepted as a member of the group. My friends and people I care about will always receive my kindness, as much as I can afford to give, whatever the circumstances. My uni group has lost this privilege with me over time. The moment of refusal was me acting on my convictions. I've extended my hand for too long and got it bitten too often to want to reconcile. I can't afford being kind to those who are unkind to me. I have too little energy for that, and I still want to live.
I have many questions about your comment... What does that mean? In what way? How did you escape? How did your mother react to that? Any particular ideas that crossed your mind as you were waiting the tables? Something you can share? In what way? As for last paragraph... I feel like I have a decent response to that, but I've been feeling antagonistic over the last couple of days - not towards you but in general - and I feel like I'd rather wait a while to respond to that. I'll reply again once I have a well-enough-formed response.My father is a pretty self contained guy
He's not as adept at social stuff as I am. I might take after him in a way.
My mother was out of bounds harsh and controlling from about age twelve to the point escaped her clutches at nineteen.
I was pretty socially inept until I waited on a few thousand tables in my twenties. I learned that most people don't really care who you are aside from how you make them feel or what kind of energy you push at them.
Punk rock probably helped me live for me and care less about the world and it's expectations.
My Dad doesn't need or want many other people in his life. He mostly just quietly goes through his public life, lives in his home and his mind. I defied my mother, even if I meant that I was ruining my life and happiness. I moved out the house around age 19 and only landed back at home twice once for a month and the other time for a handful of months. My parents were pretty cool with me being gone, it wasn't a happy house with me living under their roof, defying their rules. While waiting table I tried to figure out what people wanted from me. does that person need something, is it napkins, another drink? Bring them napkins without having them ask, go up to the table and ask the person if they are ready for another drink than ask the rest of the table if they need anything. Do they want a silent hand? Do they want to chat? What section of the news paper do they have on top? Sport, cool I could give a fuck but I read it before my shift so I could carry a decent conversation about it. So they like some sass, hell I'll make fun of you if that's what your looking for. What part of who I'm pretending to be is working for what types of people, work on my one liners, work on my chatter, be fucking natural about it. Can I talk these guys into a round of shots? Would the guy who looks like he's going to pick up the check be happier if he gets to be the big man getting everyone sloshed and spreading his money around? Learn to never show that a mean or rude person is getting under my skin, never take a bad to tip the next table, my bad attitude will kill that table as well. Get to the point that I'm not worried about showing it because it doesn't bother me anymore. Try to focus love at each table, watch them respond better, they are loved and it feels good, they give me their money. Think about how boring the whole act has gotten start working at bars where I can tell assholes to fuck off, enjoy myself more and make better money than I did before. Punk rock is anti-authoritarian, anti-consumer society, anti-propaganda, bohemian. It helped me understand that many of the constraints with which society tries to enslave us and the approbation of our peers for not towing the line are mostly self imposed prisons that we can choose to be fettered by or not. Sorry for not responding more quickly, i didn't notice your response in my in box or I would have.
Don't worry. We're not chasing anyone. Thank you for replying in such detail. So, you played a character while at work? How did it affect your life outside it?Sorry for not responding more quickly, i didn't notice your response in my in box or I would have.
What part of who I'm pretending to be is working for what types of people
Not really. I was more or less allowed to discover my own interests and tastes. They encouraged me to do well, but took in stride the occasions where I fell short of their expectations. For the second half of my childhood I had debilitating social anxiety. I don't think I can objectively answer this one without dwelling on it more than I feel up to right now. The first thing that comes to mind is Xanax.Were your parents otherwise restrictive, in what you wear or what games you play?
Did they care a lot about your grades?
Did they try to protect you from whatever dangers there were in your area by removing you from them?