It was full of self pity and doubt. It's too personal to share and too crummy to read. It all culminated to one point though. My wife is my constant. There are so many things I would do differently about my life if I could, so many things I would change if I could. Except her.
I don't give a fuck how sappy that sounds.
I'm still tempted to sell all my shit and move the three of us somewhere exotic though . . .
I can't wait to be in a committed, sturdy, animating relationship. Or, I guess I can wait. I will wait. I'm really happy for you. And I think your heartfelt gratitude is wonderful.
We're changing things. Slowly but surely. :) She's been amazingly patient with me as an individual as I try and figure things out and life in general. We've worked hard to get ourselves in a good spot, which we're in and we want to be careful to not lose any ground we've made. It's funny, those five years of working two jobs? I'm starting to realize while I did it to get by, I think I've hindered myself a bit in the process. There wasn't a lot of time for me outside of work. So through this, I'm growing as an individual, we're developing as a couple, and in the process I'm trying to find myself (I'm good at hiding).
or maybe there's also this In its short history as a state, Alaska has earned an unnerving epithet: It is the rape capital of the U.S. At nearly 80 rapes per 100,000, according to the FBI Uniform Crime Report, Alaska’s rape rate is almost three times the national average; for child sexual assault, it’s nearly six times.
There is literally nothing to do in many of these communities during winter but drink and beat up your kids. When it is -80° outside you are not going to do anything unless your life is on the line. I've been out working on a ship in -20F and fuck everything about that. At -40° the water in your skin instantly freezes. I'm not brave enough to internalize what -80 does to you. I do not get cold any more from my time up there.
I've been in -45C a few times before. The thing that always surprises me is how still everything is, how muffled everything is.
Everything has to be shipped in. EVERYTHING. Diesel is crazy expensive, fresh fruit is outrageous, any meat you do not hunt or raise yourself is expensive. Still, it is lovely country and encourage people to visit at least once. Montana, btw, is cheaper to live and work, has the same type of terrain, and is more accessible :)