I mentioned yesterday that I was arrested and lost my car and computer in the process. My car was at the hotel I was staying at with my computer safely inside along with my suitcase that had my meds in it.
Got my car this morning and I was driving to the bank after lunch when I noticed a brown bag on the floorboard. It had a pint of vodka in it. Before I went on a bender and was arrested I was buying them two at a time. I passed out before I could drink this one and couldn't find it the next day because I have a different usual hiding place.
I was excited and afraid. I want to drink but I don't want to fuck up again and get caught for it so close to my most major fuck up ever. I thought I could get away with it and that scared me too. I thought about drinking some in the car on the back roads. I stopped at the gas station to get a Mountain Dew.
I threw the whole thing in the trash at the gas station. I've never thrown away booze. I even was drinking flat opened beers from the night before for a time. Yeah, I've poured out some beers but I've never wasted a perfectly good, mint condition bit of alcohol.
I threw the whole goddamn thing out. And I didn't feel good. I wasn't proud and relieved. I felt regret if anything.
I don't want to turn hubski into my personal addiction support hotline. I just didn't have anyone to tell and I kinda like (most) of you.
I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Pints, pints, pints. It was Taaka yes? You know you're an alkie when you suffer pints of fucking Taaka. Make no mistake, you are in full burnout mode. Tread carefully. Your brain is soggy. You need to find the nearest bed and sleep it off. Take a real hot shower first thing. Eat something.
I'm glad to hear it Taco. When we last talked I was going through a terrific bender myself, with similar results. Stress finally broke me and I woke up in a dive hotel in NOLA sick as a dog. Have decided to take a much needed break and dry out for the foreseeable future. Just got hired on, think I'll put that health insurance to good use and get back on the anties myself. Take it one at a time and I pray for good timing in all your endeavors.
You're one of the ones I like, even if the feeling isn't mutual. I've always been afraid of addiction. My parents are functional alcoholics, with emphasis on the functional. I myself barely drink. Tuesday was noteworthy as it was a glass and a half of cheap burgundy and a scotch'n'soda. So while I can't say I've been there, I can say I'm sorry you were. And are. I can't offer any useful advice. All I can say is that I believe in you.
Great job, man. I haven't been in a situation as extreme as yours, but I'm definitely familiar with addiction. Honestly, I never felt good about turning away until it all began to fade. In that mindset, the logical part of the brain knows what you're doing is right, but your thoughts become slightly obsessive and they cloud any feeling of triumph. All you feel is the regret. The best thing to do is separate yourself from your these thoughts (which is much easier said than done). It sounds dumb, but being/talking with people who support what you're trying to do is fantastic because the high from their praise is sometimes enough to replace the lack of triumph. Keep it up, dude. I'm wishing you all the best.