Thanks for the advice. I don't think I clearly communicated myself, though. I don't want to uncrazy it. I very much want what's crazy to stay definitely and clearly crazy. But I can see how it looks like something else to you, and I will accept your version as a version worth investigating. What makes me itchy about this is that it sounds like you're telling me to stop introspecting. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be the person who thinks they're always right, who doesn't monitor their own behavior, and who makes categorical judgements without considering evidence to their contrary. The way I see it, my willingness to question myself and expose my thinking to others' points of view is of bedrock importance. It's what I rely on to keep me kind and intelligent. If I don't try to figure myself out, aren't I becoming less of a good person?The more time you dwell in "here's why I capsized, no really it makes sense" the more we see you pushing on the mast.
The problem is this: On the one hand, you have a niggling suspicion that your idea that led to madness might have some sense in it somewhere, and you are expressing the need to explore that idea in order to find the sense. On the other hand, your idea led to madness, frightened your family and caused you to be remanded for your safety. Speaking from a place of unhealth, this is a brilliant gestalt analysis. Speaking from a place of wellness, this is an obvious and useless tautology. And your introspection can only serve to attempt to paint an obvious and useless tautology as a brilliant gestalt analysis via mental illness. Stop introspecting. Don't think you are always right. You were WRONG on this one, with dire consequences and no upside to investigation. Fuller Torrey quotes one of his patients as saying that the trouble with schizophrenia is you're always trying to measure the world with a yardstick you can't trust. Your introspection on this is not useful or valuable to anyone, least of all you. The situation has been questioned, and you were mistaken. Progress comes from accepting your mistake, not from rehashing the path to failure.What makes me itchy about this is that it sounds like you're telling me to stop introspecting. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be the person who thinks they're always right, who doesn't monitor their own behavior, and who makes categorical judgements without considering evidence to their contrary.
The theory of everything is that everything is everything.