What's lurking in the shadows of your life?
I'm going to just vent with a list of minor personal fears, because damnit folks, I got a lot of 'em: -abandonment - making a shitty album -that I am going to get to Chicago and have forgotten to do some major thing -that I am nowhere near being an adult yet -that I am making some kind of major mistake without knowing it -health, specifically alcohol addiction and a variety of family health problems -my parents are in their 60s and I keep having dreams about one/both of them dying -what would I do if they did? -will I ever come out to my parents? And then I get into a funk when I think about these, because even though rationally I know they are mostly common, minor, and extremely inconsequential, I have a difficult time shaking them and not letting them take up most of my mental energy. It'll be fine in a month, I am just way too damn restless.
If it's any consolation, the amount of respect and love you'd garner from the ability to produce any album at all makes the quality of the record irrelevant to me.
I'm actually better lately that I was ~6 months ago, but there are still some things that concern me from time to time. I'll occasionally have these thoughts pop in my head that remind me of a time that I was much worse off. For instance, I'll be somewhere in my morning routine maybe getting out of the shower or filling up my water bottle or walking out to my car and think to myself 'Beep. boop.' as though I'm a robot following some script. In a darker time the thought of being trapped in the monotony of life would spiral my whole outlook on life for the day down the drain. Luckily these and similar thoughts don't spiral my mindset away any more, but the memory or threat of it happening again still concerns me when the thoughts pop in.
Relaxing and returning to the same wasteful life habits I had before college. Making commitments over a length of time I can't even fathom with no easy way out. Choosing a typical career path when I know the only thing I would want to do 24/7 for the rest of my life is be surrounded by music, in any form or fashion. Letting my grandmother's mental state deterioriate due to boredom and very evident trauma from losing her husband. Not being able to help her significantly due to her living in Armenia. Dying without being able to contribute in a meaningful way to the betterment of Armenia, becoming successful in the US without having the ability to contribute to education or political corruption in Armenia.
I have been wondering why all the small things in my life pile up into big overwhelming scary shadows. Fears: - We're planning to buy or first house within a year, and that's big and unknown and scary. - I need to replace my car before it gets too beat up to sell. That's unpleasant. - We need to decide on new bedroom furniture and I can't help thinking all the new furniture I've seen is hugely overpriced and usually worse quality than the random collection of furniture I've picked of the curb. But we are going to make sure all the furniture we end up with Ford week together. And I know I blow it out of proportion whenever I think about it too much. So if course I start to worry we'll turn into one of those couple who hate each other and bicker all the time. - I need to remember to not forget to call about the internet bill before Friday. Why am I stressed about that? I have a reminder set on my phone. It might be that they overwhelm me when I haven't made progress on any of them recently, (though that is often my own fault). Sometimes it seems to happen when I feel I don't have real control over what I do. Those are my two theories.
I've always lived my life not giving a damn about myself but now I have someone who depends on me and the consequences of my actions. I am in constant fear of hurting that someone, but I realize that is the sweetest tasting thing about life.
Best case: the loss is a cause for introspection, many of them realize that they should be angry, but they're pointing their anger the wrong direction. It happens, but not often. I'm pretty sure the Republican party is rethinking that whole southern strategy thing, so that might help. Worst case: The militia movement wakes up again, but that's been happening since 2008 and they're still more children playing soldier in the woods than a real danger.
Ya know... that's an interesting thought! I was actually scared of the Michigan Militia and some of the other loonies-with-guns that were running around in the 1980's... but that might be exactly the kind of outlet these Trumpkins will need... go out in the woods... hunt elk with a Ted Nugent and a bow and arrow... go all survivalist-off-the-grid-eco-warrior .... That would effectively disconnect them from the mainstream, and we wouldn't have to deal with them any more. (Except when they came into town to buy quilted Charmin.)
He was also a part of CIA experiments in mind control and LSD The run of the mill militia types peddle more of the weed/meth/moonshine induced insanity.