I was born Catholic and confirmed Methodist.

I wanted and tried really hard to believe. If there were a switch I could flip to make it so, I would definitely consider it.

There had always been some sort of doubt in my mind, but I always pushed it back and maintained the illusion of the genuine believer. I would parrot and mime and try to convince the community around me that I believed just as much as they did, thinking that if I could convince them I could convince myself.

I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I started having doubts. I remember being in physical pain at the thought of God not existing. My mind was racing, heart pounding, and no one I felt comfortable talking about the possibility of God not existing with.

Once I started to calm down, I had the thought that if God doesn't exist than he never existed and I'm not really losing anything. Writing it down now, it seems pretty invalidating to my past religious experiences and probably isn't sound logic, but it helped me at the time.

From time to time, especially when things turn south, I find myself wishing I had something to believe in. However, I've found that I'm no longer comfortable with the idea of an all-powerful, authoritarian god. I've looked into a number of other religions to try and find something that I mesh with. In the end I've settled on something that is my own.

I believe in a connectedness of all living beings in that we're all sharing the experience of life. I think that the 'spirit' lies in the consciousness, as because of that the consciousness is something to be explored with techniques like meditation and mindfulness.

As far as literal spirits go though, I have trouble accepting them.

This was a bit of a ramble, I hope there's something useful in here that can help you out. If nothing else, it was at least good for me to type out!

I hope you find your truth.