I remember thinking to myself that sparks are fleeting and unimportant in the long run of a marriage. I would rationalize that no one could possibly be in love for their entire marriage and that every couple has ups and downs. It was okay to even hate her sometimes, but we weren't in trouble per se. We were solid and in it for the long run. That was all.
The real problem is that every day is a series of short runs which make up what sums to be your life when you're done, and I had so many 'bad days at work' and 'just tireds' to believe that my long run was going to look any different in the end. I was so far below .500 that I didn't even feel like showing up to the games anymore.
Our fights stopped, which was nice at first. I actually thought we were getting along better, but the sex died so much harder after that. I would be jerking off in the shower and fear that she would see me if she opened the door, but then I had to balance that she would ask why the door was locked if I locked it. This is what my marriage had become. Hiding from my wife while masturbating.
It felt so God damned childish that she began to feel like a nagging parent more than a loving partner. 'Pick up your shoes, please. I shouldn't have to keep telling you.' I shouldn't have to dread sleeping next to you, but here we are.
I never hit her. I never cheated. I never hurt her in an unfair way that might have manipulated her back to the way she was. And it didn't fucking matter. None of it mattered because when we split we were just so done with each other that I would have given the lawyer anything to get her out of my life a day faster.
So yeah, go get married. I'm sure you'll do better than I did. Based on what, I can't answer, because I don't know what I really did wrong, or she did, or if anything was ever really wrong and just not 'right enough'. But you should do that at least once, make that commitment to someone because you think you can. Maybe you'll make it work. Just don't let it working look like you lying to yourself. Your short run will be your long run in the end.