This idea is a good one. Try to remember that whether or not dishonesty is intentional, it hurts just the same. And I think you mentioned another time recently you were a little dishonest, this makes it harder the second time to believe what you say in the heat of the moment. Usually, from my experience, the guy will come around when he calms down. Dishonesty is never better, and hiding shit sucks. If you are with someone you feel you cannot be honest with, maybe you should reevaluate where you're at. Being honest is much easier and feels much better than not. What feels "better" about hiding it in your case is that you have a reason to hide these things...he doesn't like them. And being completely open and honest with your partner about things they don't like, agree with, or understand can be incredibly hard. You start to get in the mind state that they'll never accept all of you, and then the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to be honest about it. What I think you're starting to realize is that you can't just pick random times to blurt out the things you don't usually mention without getting some kind of backlashy response. The thing is, he will be finding these things out for the first time, whereas you've known you your whole life. You're with you, in your head 24/7. If you don't tell people things the first time they come up for you, you have to find a perfect future moment to bring up the fact that somehow the thing you've been hiding fits into...which is kind of terrible, but is also kind of an art. This is the best thing you'll ever put into practice in a relationship. It is insanely relieving. This is a problem everyone has, so don't get to down on it. Sometimes(dramatically understated), in a relationship, you have to actually put yourself in the perspective of: Would this thing bother me if the shoes were swapped? And knowing your partner well enough to at least make an effort to actively do the things you think/know your partner would want even though you may have to go a tiny bit(also hugely understated at times) out of your own comfort zone. Remember, it's a partnership. That does not mean it's 50/50 all the time. Sometimes, especially after things like blown up dishonesty happens, you have to pull 80%, really bad shit can happen and sometimes you will have to be the 100% rock(at these times in my life I have to remember how huge of a stubborn ass I can be and I definitely need my rock sometimes because I am not a fully functional person without the other half of my heart that is my partner and the love of my life). But that's your personal choice, and it's an amazing experience to have someone you truly want to share 100% of yourself and your life with, for better or worse :P. You sound like your head is in the right place though, just keep pushing forwards and the end result will be totally worth the means by which you got there.One thing I'm gonna work on is a list of things I think he should know about - financial, personal, health, etc., so that three aren't any secrets. Because, there should NEVER be secrets. I just suck at identifying information that could potentially blow up in my face. IE: The money stuff and even the drug stuff - I wasn't trying to hide it from him. It was blantaly on my phone and he grabbed it to take a picture and I didn't think twice about it.
Didn't believe a thing I said, and that hurt because I finally got the balls to be honest about the struggle given the information he had. If I was really buy drugs or doing sneaky shit for real - it would've been better hidden.
Because, there should NEVER be secrets.
I just suck at identifying information that could potentially blow up in my face.
I emailed him a list of truths. At least 20 different important things about me and any secrets I may have carried throughout my life. Most of it he already knew but I went through everything in my life and tried to think of EVERYTHING important and share it with him and told him if there was something that comes up that I didn't mention its because I sincerely forgot about it. I think it was an action step in the right direction. Ya, that was my problem with the drugs. He's willing to work on things and we have a plan to give each other space and detox me off. We leave for Cali so I can be under my parents care on Monday and he flies home Monday night leaving me there. The good news is I'm already down on the drugs. Only taking my prescribed dose yesterday and surviving. Today I plan to take none with the option of taking just one if the pain so warrants it. OR maybe even a half if I can. I'm going to have to go a few days without to make my script last but, I dug my own grave on that one. So, the process has been at least started before I even got to Cali which is good. Anyway, again thank you for all your time on this and thoughts, you've been nothing but encouraging whereas I had to delete posts on Reddit because people were like, "lying dirty whore" and that served to help no one. I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.This idea is a good one. Try to remember that whether or not dishonesty is intentional, it hurts just the same. And I think you mentioned another time recently you were a little dishonest, this makes it harder the second time to believe what you say in the heat of the moment. Usually, from my experience, the guy will come around when he calms down.
You're with you, in your head 24/7. If you don't tell people things the first time they come up for you, you have to find a perfect future moment to bring up the fact that somehow the thing you've been hiding fits into...which is kind of terrible, but is also kind of an art.
I'm not usually one to go for name calling when I'm not super emotionally involved with the topic, lol. So you're safe from responses like you got on reddit. The thing is, everybody lies, to whom and what is really what makes those lies malicious or bad. It's easy to get away with/overlook most of the things you are dishonest about regularly because they are just kind of part of you. When you choose to be in a relationship with someone else, you have to pay attention to the things that are important to them as far as what you can and can't be morally dishonest about, as well as finding a decent compromise with where you started vs. where they want you to be.Anyway, again thank you for all your time on this and thoughts, you've been nothing but encouraging whereas I had to delete posts on Reddit because people were like, "lying dirty whore" and that served to help no one.