I came to the United States 8 weeks ago, and what comes out strikingly is:
Americans get offended by words very easily.
Why is it that I have to sugarcoat every statement, every joke needs to be followed up with "Hey I am just kidding." Just curiously asking, when, how and where did the sensitive mentality come from? I am trying to collect a list of words I should not use in this country (And make sure any of my sentences don't come off in a way that hurts others I care about).
It is interesting to note that there are certain words which originate from a dark, horrific past like the word nigger. Obviously you won't go up to a black person and say nigger (which I agree is an extremely offensive thing to do) , but people say it among themselves still all the time (black or not) (almost like replacing the term bro) adding to the confusion. I am pretty sure it's not right to say it, but if someone says that to me, should I be offended? (I am not fair-skinned)
Another word which is frowned upon publicly is "OMG, that's so retarded". Again I am assuming that the person who one says that to is not suffering from a mental illness. (Just for those out there- I do sympathize with the mentally ill- Having done lots of charity work for them). Is calling someone a retard, similar to racially profiling people like the word nigger does? How did this specific word come to be a taboo? (Are it's synonyms also tabooed- like mad, crazy etc.?)
How does one decide which words can be used and which can't be? ("That asshole" can be said in a laughing manner or in a serious manner, which can either be cool at a dinner party or can cause a punch up).
Completely leaving the above words aside(I sorta get it why the above words are tabooed, but would love to hear a discussion from you guys about this). Normal sentences hurt. ("Hey, why do you guys tip?" - this statement hurts in two ways- 'you guys' (profiling Americans) and 'tip' (tipping culture) leading to everyone raising their hands and screaming stuff about "minimum wage" and "in this country") There are many such sentences which may seem normal to me but comes out very rudely to Americans. Many times foreigners seem to be rude, but genuinely we try not to. (Unless we don't like you- then we don't give a shit).
Words affect us in many ways I agree. In every country there are sensitive issues which lead to taboos. As someone from outside USA , I cannot even comprehend the complex history and social structure which has built The United States. I have really liked my time here, but I want to make sure I don't enrage people easily (people I give a shit about that is) which I guess I have after writing this post- so before commenting just take a deep breath, drink a sip of water and then start.
Worth Noting: When I use the words shit in 2 places in my text, (or even a lot of Why?) did some of you think I am frustrated or angry? (Which i am NOT by the way) Since the background score of our emotions is not present via the internet- words might hurt people much faster.
Generally, words which formed in the shadow of a power imbalance are a bad choice. The n-word you used was one of contempt specifically for subjugated people of African heritage. To use the word to address black people today is to remind them that their race once literally owned. It's especially bad when the person using the term is white and thus echoing actual historical context. Black people addressing each other in this way perhaps consider it acknowledgment of a shared heritage and contemporary struggle against the very real relics of that history. People of other backgrounds using it can be seen to be appropriating that. The r-word you used is rooted in times where society locked up people who had delayed or injured development as they were deemed a burden, as defective and even less than human. Even today the word isn't addressed to people as a compliment. Using the word pejoratively, even for situations or objects, can remind people with developmental delays that they are still considered less than. Hearing it can erode already shaky self-esteem and confidence. People with delays don't carry around a neon sign to make sure you know that they're there, so it's often an invisible disability. It's best to just not go there. Calling someone an asshole isn't the same thing. But consider that "ass" is often considered swearing over here. Stirring up anguish over wage inequality also isn't the same thing. Nobody likes having to tip or and even less having to depend on tipping. Swearing/cussing isn't the same thing, and context is important. Some parts of the country are a lot more religious than you're probably used to, and their interpretations of how this should be applied to language is probably very different.
Some black people can be seen having great discontent over other black people using the word. Ken Carter in the movie Coach Carter forced his students to address each other in a respectful manner, dropping their then-usual "nigga", because the word shackles them again, makes them slaves, and Coach Carter believed they weren't slaves, so they shouldn't speak of themselves as such.Black people addressing each other in this way perhaps consider it acknowledgment of a shared heritage and contemporary struggle against the very real relics of that history.
Too many people are not smart enough or don't care enough to consider the subtext of what is said. This leads to a country in which the words you use are more important than the meaning behind the words. For example:
Several years back I had a coworker who was verbally abusive. He was a pro at making everyone around him feel insecure and unimportant. But he was very careful with his word choice and complaints to HR were ignored. One day I had had enough of his bullshit and responded to him with, "Oh fuck off." I was written up. Now in the context of the situation, whatever it was that he said to me to trigger such a reaction was worse, and other coworkers of mine would back that up. But to the HR person, my choice of the word "fuck" trumped whatever else was going on in the situation. Oh, and a good number of people in the US seem to take pleasure in being offended by things. Even when something shouldn't be offensive to them, they will take it as a personal attack.
Too good a life? I don't hear people being offended much when they have shit to worry about, like not losing one's job or risk being evicted for not paying in time. Have you tried explaining the situation to the HR personnel? Are they this dumb in reality? It's hard to believe.Oh, and a good number of people in the US seem to take pleasure in being offended by things. Even when something shouldn't be offensive to them, they will take it as a personal attack.
I don't think that's entirely it though, but I don't have much to back that up. Oh yeah, I explained inside and out what was going on and tried explaining the context in which I was upset enough to say what I said (Not to mention I was working in a kitchen, where even my boss would use that kind of language regularly). But to HR, all that mattered was that I had told someone to fuck off and that person had come to them about it.Too good a life? I don't hear people being offended much when they have shit to worry about, like not losing one's job or risk being evicted for not paying in time.
Have you tried explaining the situation to the HR personnel? Are they this dumb in reality? It's hard to believe.
Sort of echoing or at least inspired by tehstone's comment, people in America have this weird masochistic enjoyment from being offended. Words really only have the power that you give them. Saying pretty much anything is bound to offend someone. It doesn't usually make any difference what you mean. It usually comes down to what the actual words are and who says them. Americans are terrible at incorporating context into their judgement. To answer your specific questions - usually people don't call each other nigger if they're trying to be friendly. They'd go closer to nigga for a friend. See Denzel Washington in Training Day for an example. People like to whine about retarded because they can. Now we're supposed to say "intellectual disability." Means the exact same thing, so to me it doesn't make a difference. Retarded replaced "feebleminded" or "idiotic" as a medical definition for people with developmental disorders. Now we've replaced that with intellectual disability. Calling someone retarded isn't considered on the same "level" of offensiveness as nigger, IMO. That's pretty subjective, though. Context and your audience determines your word usage. Losing a game of Mario Kart and calling someone an asshole is different than calling someone an asshole after they key your car. If you're offended by "you guys," fuck yourself so hard (not you, but... you know. Those folks that are.) Asking "hey, why do you guys tip" and getting that response is ridiculous. If you can't answer a simple question, then it's time to go meditate or some shit because you are way too high-strung. For some reason, Americans as a whole don't know how to give people the benefit of the doubt. People go immediately from hear word to react, skipping any kind of thought about context, meaning, or speaker's background (e.g. foreigner). I didn't think you were angry or frustrated at all. I understand that you're genuinely asking these questions and providing your own experiences and thoughts as context. Edit - If you're comfortable saying, where are you from? Just curious!