I also have two. First, there are people who care about me, and my death would cause them a very great deal of very real harm. Some of them are suicidal themselves, and the loss of me could cause a chain reaction. The ones who aren't, well, they don't deserve a good reason to go into a deep depression. I have a choice in this matter, and I choose to endure my pain rather than create a far larger amount in other people. I can hold myself to this choice because it is a direct result of one of the things which makes up the core of who I am: my refusal to knowingly cause direct harm to other people. Not that I'm perfect in adhering to who I am, but when it comes to suicide, I am.

Second, failure does not preclude future success. Whatever it is I failed or succeeded at. Violin, programming, school, love. "You may not try again" is not built into the universe, which is always changing. And so am I, for that matter. Each year, I come upon big ideas in my head that I didn't have in the previous year, and they make a difference. I can see my attitudes and behaviors change over time. Generally subtly, but they do. I'm interested in and hopeful about who I might become.

And the pills help too, but that's much the same as saying I'm lucky.