This one's a little different. We get a lot of top of mind writings so today I'm going to ask you to write in that style, let it sit out there for a few hours, then respond to your scene with a rewrite of that scene.
The prompt is for a scene with two or more characters in a confined space.
It wouldn't be long now. The trio huddled around a crack in their wooden hideout and peered outward. A quickly dimming vision of the world greeted them. Sparse rays of light squeezed through the ever-thickening black mass that choked the sky. They'd brought only enough to drink for the day. Who were the invaders? Aliens from outer space? Or maybe bugs that would crawl in their ears and eat their brains? Or robots that would make them work forever? Bang bang bang The door to their shelter shuddered with each blow. Each sibling glanced at the other, eyes wide with fear. Bang bang bang A gruff and menacing "come on out" from the other side of their flimsy barricade. The three readied themselves by the door, each armed with bats, laughably inefficient weapons considering the terrifying possibilities of the unknown that awaited them. They each looked at the other and steeled themselves. Nate gasped as the door creaked open and his sister charged through the opening with a wild battle cry. A moment later, her screams cut through the air, prompting the brothers to burst out of safety and to her aid. Greeting them was a horrifying sight - a hairy beast double their size had Gwen hanging upside down by a leg, unarmed. They swung their bats with all their might, crashing into the giant's legs, but it just laughed and held tight to the helpless girl. Relentless was their assault, but their enemy was nigh unassailable with their primitive weapons and inferior strength. Nate swung and by pure chance hit the creature right between the thighs. "GODDAMNIT!" Their dad fell to the ground, barely keeping hold of Gwen. Mom came running, nearly tripping over Gwen's plastic bat in her attempt to help her husband and scolded the children for their carelessness, even through her worried expression. Imagination and playful innocence had turned to personal injury, and everyone knew that his anger burned hot and merciless. Scattering to their respective rooms, they prepared for the worst as the sound of a cap twisting off a bottle echoed down the hall. The real monster was about to show itself.
Here's what I originally wrote. Not sure if you were interested in the initial draft as part of the prompt.
The trio huddled around an old tube TV that displayed the outside - a quickly dimming vision of the world. Sparse rays of light squeezed through the ever-thickening black mass that choked the sky. They'd brought only enough to drink for the day. Who were the invaders? Aliens from Mars? Or maybe bugs that would crawl in their ears? Or robots that would make them work forever? Bang bang bang The door to their hideout shuddered with each blow. Each sibling glanced at the other, eyes wide with fear. Bang bang bang A muffled "come on out" from the other side of their flimsy barricade. The three readied themselves by the door, each armed with bats, laughably inefficient weapons considering the possibilities of the unknown that awaited them. They each looked at the other and steeled themselves. Nate gasped as the door creaked open and his sister charged through the opening with a wild battlecry. Her screams cut through the air, prompting the brothers to burst out of the safety of the hideout. Greeting them was a horrifying sight - a hairy beast, double their size had Gwen hanging upside down by a leg, unarmed. They swung their bats with all their might, crashing into the giant's legs, but it just laughed and held tight to their sister. Nate swung and by pure chance hit the creature right between the thighs. GODDAMNIT! Their dad fell to the ground, barely keeping hold of Gwen. Mom came running, nearly tripping over Gwen's plastic bat in her attempt to help her husband.
Feedback is always welcome!
It wouldn't be long now.
I like the more built out world at the end, it's helps to solidify the transition. I also like the the focus on clearing up word confusion in your edits, you have a good eye for it. Killing the comma after "a hairy beast" made the sentence more confusing. I don't know which is grammatically correct but I always just throw them in where I want pauses if I was reading it out loud. The missing comma set me back for a minute. As for the story itself, I would spend more time in each paragraph building out the fantasy world. Just a sentence per paragraph should do it, but it would help keep me in the scene. Without those reminders I figured out they were in a playhouse pretty quick. But, you have good pacing and a pleasant voice. The latter changes a bit in descriptions (you stop writing like you're speaking and start writing like something you've read before) but over all it's a solid work.
Your comments always seem to be spot on. Are you a professional writer or something? Could you expand on the second paragraph? Thank you for taking the time to read and critique! It really helps to have an honest outside perspective.
No, I just got a job where I have to give feedback on what people create. I figured the best way to get better was to just give people feedback, and here we are. As for the second paragraph - I think I read it wrong the first time. I was reading it like a spaceman spiff comic where the kids were pretending they were of a distant planet and not the frenzied mind of kids jacked up on horror films. So that critique can change a bit to inserting more emotion into the scenario. It was just a little difficult for me to pin down the scene and why the kids were so scared. It's unfortunate that you gave me such great feedback on a comment where I miss read the story...
The fault probably lies with the author. I just threw that up there as a silly idea that kind of wound itself into its own story. I think the points still stand. Improving my writing is the only goal, so these daily prompts are excellent for achieving that. They were sorely missed when you abandoned us for the last few days!
We flew sideways. People used to flying in civilian aircraft don't understand that in military planes you take off facing backwards, but then rotate your chair sideways to face your workspace. So we flew sideways. It's safer that way anyway, not that anyone ever really survives a plane crash. It was fun ninety percent of the time and we would listen to music and make jokes and talk shit. Just being young men in general when we could. I have spent over 1500 hours of my life in the fuselage of a C-130 of some variant or another. That's equivalent to 9 weeks flying around in a little metal tube, so you get to know the people that sit sideways with you pretty well. The best people that I ever flew with were the ones that forgot their rank as soon as they stepped on board and let the mission happen. And if the mission was to fly over a shithole village in Afghanistan for 6 hours while we stared at clouds for no reason, then we would wait for a break in the clouds and stare out the window. I was lucky that we flew during the day so there was something to stare at, or at least there would have been if we were somewhere worth looking at. But instead we were stuck in the plane moving around in circles and wishing that shit would go down, and then wishing it hadn't. Even within that space I would be further withdrawn into my own music. I worked with a different unit and brought my own equipment onto the plane, and the best decision I ever made was to ask my maintainer to make a patch cable to let me pipe in my iPod to my headset and no one else's. You are never alone when you are deployed. You room with others, you shower with others, you shit with others. There is nowhere to just be alone, ever. But in that tube at 8,000 feet, I had a little cocoon that I could retreat to. Even then I knew what a luxury that was and was extremely thankful for it.
Is this your rewrite? I like this one. Your stories always offer insights into a life that isn't really talked about, a great skill. I like your scenes, but want to push you to turn them more into stories. I don't think they have to be formulaic, with a beginning, middle, and end, but some kind of structure. I'm mostly thinking about something happening. I know nothing happens on the flights and that's the point, but something is always happening. Was there a time when you weren't thankful for your bubble? When someone didn't forget their rank? Where something changed and could never go back? I'm just thinking through text here, but I'm thinking that kind of momentum could help.