The young man walks through the park, a crumpled, greasy bag in hand. The birds chirp, the squirrels skitter along, in search of the next nut. The sun shines, brilliantly. On a bench, an old man sleeps. He is ragged looking, many nights on a bench will leave anyone the same. Newspapers scatter in the wind, one man's news is another man's blanket. The old man stirs, groggily rubbing his eyes. The young man stands before him, offering the greasy bag. A grubby hand reaches out, while a shabby head nods. The young man continues on, with a swelling heart. _______________________________________________________________________________ Open to discussions/suggestions. :)
I think the only think I would suggest that hasn't been suggested is varying the beginnings of your sentences. Too many "the"s for my taste.
A pleasant little story! I do like your descriptions. However, your comma usage seems a little jarring. Try mixing up your sentence structure a little more and using transition words. Maybe a little more like this? On a bench, an old man sleeps. He is ragged looking; many nights on a bench will leave anyone the same. Newspapers scatter in the wind. After all, one man's news is another man's blanket. The old man stirs, groggily rubbing his eyes. Before him, the young man stands, offering the greasy bag. A grubby hand reaches out, while a shabby head nods. The young man continues on with a swelling heart.
Yeah, i've always had a problem with commas. I like them... a lot. Thanks for the feedback!
thank you for the feedback! I was going for brevity... but if I were to flesh out the characters more, what would you suggest?