Hey fellow hubskiers!
I wanted to post this because I feel like you guys are a pretty cool community and that you might appreciate this -- some of you may feel the same, some of you might have felt the same or some of you might not relate at all, but that's what I'm interested in.
I've always been a smart, although awkward, kid and from a couple of year ago (before graduating high school) I felt that I had life pretty much figured out. I knew what I wanted to do, I had a good relationship with myself, and I was quite good at managing my emotions and anxieties. I knew how to have fun, but I could buckle down and work hard if needed. I've worked physical jobs during the summer for the last couple and I've always been up to the task and even enthusiastic about them! In short, I've always been quite motivated to make something out of myself and I had some plans before I graduated high school.
I'm a year into university right now and I feel like I'm, right now, the complete opposite -- ok, maybe not complete, as I've recently started to refigure things out, but a couple of months ago I was. Somehow, I got lost. For good couple of months to maybe half a year, I didn't do anything, I missed all my classes, I slept all day and started smoking weed far too frequently than would be ok. And it wasn't that I didn't care, I just.. I couldn't care. No matter how much I forced myself to, I wasn't able to care. I've always been a pretty calm dude, never had anxiety and/or stress problems, but this was too much. It was as if I was on the strongest anti-depressants available -- I just didn't care.
At the end of last year I had a really bad drug related experience and, for a couple of months, I felt some of it's repercussions -- I had really bad anxiety for about a month, then slightly lower for about another month, then slightly lower, and so on until the point where I feel at the moment where I'm pretty much back to baseline.
These anxiety problems really changed my outlook on things though -- I had never experienced anxiety before, and even though I knew some people who did have anxiety and who had tried to explain it to me I could never have imagined what it was like. All the time I heard people talking about it, I thought I understood it but it never really clicked until I felt it on my own skin. Anyway, during those months I was somewhat depressed, and, when it was really bad, I thought about suicide. I'd never go through with it, I couldn't do that to my family and friends who cared so much for me and who'd be heartbroken -- and also, I never really felt the desire to myself -- how it was, at least for me, was simply feeling "Wouldn't it be better if I just stopped existing?". I'd be on the street and think to myself "I'd be fine with it if that car ran me over right now", or I'd be in the subway and I'd contemplate just slipping and falling in front of the oncoming metro.
I'd never had these thoughts and feelings before and, while I do realize now (as I did then) that they were simply the product of my present artificially heightened anxiety (due to the bad experience) and while I don't have these feelings anymore (I've been feeling great lately, back to normal) a part of me changed because I did. For some time I knew what it was like to have certain mental problems. Because of one experience I knew that, for some people with mental problems (chemical imbalances, etc.) hell is a real place, and they can't escape it. I know because I was there. And I'll never be able to unknow it.
And that brings me to the second part of the title -- growing up. Over the last half year I faced something that was completely and utterly new to my being -- something I had never faced before. It hit me hard in the beginning, but, alongside my brain restoring proper chemical balances I learned to deal with this new and strange feeling. And I learned that the world isn't as black and white as I thought it was, and that some problems are harder to solve than they may seem to at first. I suddenly realized that other people also sometimes have to deal with this, and that lead me to acknowledge a whole other dimension to people's personalities that I had never really considered before. In short, I grew. And while that may have been through a very arduous process, in the end I am a more complete and understanding person than I was before. For some time it's been harder to stay motivated than it was a couple of years ago, but I understand that that may also have something to do with growing up. Because understanding oneself is one of the hardest things for people to do and to be better at it is to grow up.
Nowadays I don't feel as lost anymore, and, if I still do every now and then I realize it's a passing feeling and that the world isn't always that hard. And somewhere along the way I learned to appreciate the miracle that is the fact that, for some strange occurrence in the universe I'm able to be here, thinking and typing my feelings, as a conscious being, into a computer so that people all over the world might (or might not) read it.
Anyway, if you've made it this far I thank you for reading through this. I don't have any great goal with this post other than to write about my experience because I feel writing things down helps me get my thoughts in order (even if my post was at times less coherent than I would've like it to have been), and if someone's going through something similar than maybe they'll find solace in the fact that someone, somewhere has gone through the same thing they have.
For sure. As a redditor myself, it was a pain having to go to a certain subreddit and post feelings there rather than being able to do that here with no repercussions (or random strangers getting upset at you). For only being here for a few minutes, I already love this.
It really is cool, isn't it? I've been on reddit for over a year and I've commented maybe twice in that time, yet I find this today and I'm actually taking because I feel like I can just join in on the conversations here, where on Reddit I always felt like I'd be almost attacked if people disagreed. Plus it's hard to have meaningful chat when every other thread is a pun thread!
Yes! The only subreddit I think I would have enjoyed posting to was /r/casualconversation, but I found out about it too late. I'm ready to move onto a site that's purely for this kind of stuff.
It was only recently when I joined this website. I was scrolling aimlessly until I came across a post by insomniasexx "In The Future, Our Attention Will Be Sold". Going to that website kind of enabled me to start taking better care of myself and which in turn helped me relate to other people better. One of the most important things I learnt was to not take things as personal and deeply as I would've thought, allowing me to open up to people more easily. This ebook actually helped me out a great deal. I'm still working on my anxiety even right now and the struggle isn't over yet, but I've come a long way from what I was. Hubski is a hell of a change from Reddit and I only wish I found it sooner.
Welcome! Better late than never. Check out the primer page and if you have any questions feel free to shout-out or pm me. Enjoy.
Hey Corvus, thanks for sharing this, I'm glad you felt comfortable posting it. Similar things have come up here before (we're all growing and changing all the time and communication is a key part of that, and with a close-knit community you find things like get posted). I liked this bit a lot: Which is true, everybody has baggage or a struggle that they are going through. What we see on social media or what we see in passing are the curtains, it's only until you become very close with someone that these issues present themselves and people feel comfortable enough talking about them. Every person has their own problems, and it's important to remember that and I'm glad you've had that realization. I went through a lot of the stuff you've gone through and just graduated from university. But during my time I had some mental issues related to depression in particular and some bouts of anxiety with that and wasn't particularly suicidal, but would be okay with an accident. It's a tough place to be at, as you know, but I think you now have the mindset to know that states of mind like that will pass and how to constructively deal with those experiences.And I learned that the world isn't as black and white as I thought it was, and that some problems are harder to solve than they may seem to at first. I suddenly realized that other people also sometimes have to deal with this, and that lead me to acknowledge a whole other dimension to people's personalities that I had never really considered before.
It feels awesome to know that a lot of people have gone through what I have. Yeah, that is one of the big realizations I had going through this. And it was strange. And more, at first I was actually mad! I was so upset that before I could walk through life without having to acknowledge that sometimes other people's problems are more complicated than they seem. While before everything seemed to have an easy solution, now every problem seemed much more complicated, now I had to factor in people's personalities and anxieties, their motives and their point of view. Of course, I eventually understood that, while maybe simpler, what I saw before wasn't the truth. It was a gross oversimplification of other's life's and that it was arrogant of me to think I could find easy solutions to everybody's problems. Of course, it was just the shock at first, but I learned to deal with it. And hopefully I'm wiser for it. Seriously, the best thing I got from this is that these states of mind pass. Maybe today you're feeling a bit down, but the certainty that they'll pass really helps. In the begining it was hard to convince myself that it would pass because I'd never been through it before and didn't want to search for help, and that's the only thing that really scared me -- that I would feel like that forever. It did pass though, and now I have a much easier time dealing with those states of mind. Hell, during my last two panic attacks one of the things that helped me through them was thinking that if I was having one today I (hopefully) wouldn't have another for a good month or so.
I relate very much to this. I was the same naïve, happy-go-lucky kid up until I started my first year of college where I became disillusioned, depressed and started smoking a shit ton of weed. Now I'm back in my hometown working a dead-end job and trying to save up some mo eu so I can go experience things after which. I think I will join the military. Best of luck to you.
I was lucky enough to go through the phase you describe in high school. Ended up joining the army a year after graduating. Delayed college until I was ready. If you play it right the military is an incredible way to grow.
I'm very lost in what I want to do in life. I'm also lost at who I want to be. Or who I already am. Is this personality I have really me? Maybe this isn't the only personality i'm capable of, maybe if I really got out there I would expand as a person. Maybe there is more to me than what I can see right now.
There are a lot of folks that don't know what they want to do in life. I'm one of them, just to put that out there. I don't know anything off the top of my head that I could really enjoy and find fulfilling. I'm currently working a dead-end job that's absolutely mind-numbing. I can definitely tell you where I don't want to be. If you have the opportunity, try a few jobs in different fields. Maybe you'll find some inspiration.
As for who you want to be, that's completely on you. Your moral compass will help guide you, if you listen to it. The best thing about being a human is that nothing is set in stone. If you wake up one day and decide "I don't like being a doormat", you can formulate a plan and execute it. You can completely change how you interact with the world.
Lastly, I really do think that, unless you have some kind of mental illness, that your personality really is you. There may be aspects of it that you do or don't enjoy, and that's fine. There are certainly ways of influencing and changing your personality. That'll happen over the course of your life. Experiencing more of the world and the people living on it will, most likely, have an effect on you and your personality.
I think that if you were ever to completely quantify your entire personality, you'd probably be a robot. Self-discovery is an exciting and unsure adventure!
You may be suffering from one of society's biggest myths. The truth is, nobody with even a shred of truthful introspection under their belt can definitively conceive of who you are. Their is no definition or summation of you because you are dynamic collection of perspectives and perceptions. Never bring yourself down because you somehow fail to know yourself. Instead, approach introspection like a gleeful and inquisitive scientist, picking apart your own reasoning behind your actions. The best part of this process is the license it gives you to go out and experience the world in which you live. In other words, quit worrying and go out and experience something. You will come to know yourself through those experiences.
I'd just like to add that I'm the same way. What's helped me a little is to just not stress out over it too much. I assume you are fairly young still and that leaves you with a lot of time to figure these things out. I was loosing my mind trying to decide what my career path and future was going to be that I didn't realize that you don't have to find one job or career and run with it for the rest of your life. Try something. If you hate it, move on. If it's not half bad stick with it or look for something similar. You'll find something eventually. Best of luck.
I've been having suicidal thoughts as of late also and I'm very glad that you shared your story here. I'm just at the beginning of my treatment for long-lasting depression and anxiety, but I think I have something figured out already and that might explain your situation to some extent. We live our lives in bubbles. And that's okay. We aren't aware of our own mental defences, because if we were life would be very complicated. This is how most people live their lives: moderately happy in their moderate bubbles. It's not perfect, but it's better than acknowledging your weaknesses (and there's plenty). It's just that sometimes these defences come down. Might it be for a bad break-up or a lost close one, bad drug experience even, it tears your world down. Maybe for the first time in your life you are forced to see how cruel and arbitrary world might seem if you just look it from another perspective. Sometimes this way of looking at the world stays on, and one needs to go to therapy, or has to keep on taking drugs to fight the misery, and sometimes it heals itself. Nonetheless, if you feel you've reached your happy bubble again, it's important not to forgeg this feeling of anxiety you had. That is how few people feel constantly, and if you start to suffer from those feelings in the future it is important to acknowledge them honestly. Hope you happy living!
In my head, I'm hearing the song "war on drugs" by Barenaked Ladies:
Keep Writing :) E: clarity
and this quote from Hamlet:
"They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?"
It sounds to me that we've been on similar paths. "there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
Heh both an awesome song and an awesome quote. None of my friends know the Barenaked Ladies, it's so cool to find someone who also know them. They've actually been one of the bands that I remembered while going through this. It seems to be that besides similar paths we also share similar interests, or at least you seem like an interesting dude. Thanks a lot for the words man, I'm so overwhelmed with the response I got from hubski. I'm kind of new here but the community is so nice and there are so many cool people. I'll try to write again when I feel I've something good to say! I hope I see you hanging around, too! If you ever want to talk shoot me a pm, I love talking with cool peple :)
I'm happy that you grew to understand what people like me go through. When I'm depressed and stressed, I think about suicide as a way out. But thinking about suicide actually makes me more depressed, more hopeless. Suicide used to be an option for me. Then I tried it- failed - and when my mom found out she cried so hard she vomited. I really love my mother. She's the person whose emotions I feel most in synch with. When she's in a bad mood- I can tell. When I was a kid, she could make me cry with a look of disappointment. My worst nightmares have always been dreams of her dying. So seeing her bent over the kitchen sink while I stood a few feet away crying through the numbness of my depression really changed my perspective on my own suicide. I've experienced what most suicidal people never will - a taste of the aftermath of my death and I didn't like it one bit. So: Suicide is not an option anymore. But the thoughts still come up again. It is overwhelmed panic where the only way out seems to be six feet down. The thoughts resurface, but that path feels as equally closed off as all the others, and I feel even more trapped like I am standing in a box barely big enough to hold me. But at least I am alive.
And at least my mom is happy.
I feel like the story is the same for so many of us. Fairly normal life, struck with a hardship that leads to self development and understanding. I see it so much online but never in real life. I had a fairly normal upbringing. A few family members passing but being tuned in to the world made me realise death was part of it, so bereavement wasn't really a dominating factor. The way my experience differs to many I see is that I have a complete fear of drugs and alcohol. Anything body altering just terrifies me. In May 2014 I was prescribed diazepam for my panic attacks and have yet to take any of them. But I feel like having anxiety has improved me as a person? I feel more aware of my surroundings. And even though I know I'm not better I definitely know what I need to do to get to where I want to be. Everyones only human. We can only do so much, and doing the best in the current situation is the best you can ever do. (I'm new here btw, loving it so far!)
I feel like this is a benefit of anonymity: People don't like to talk about their hardships that lead to change. It could be embarrassing, and no one likes admitting they were ever wrong.
I experienced something somewhat similar. I grew up in an immigrant family and always felt kind of alienated from the community around me - I was, without a choice, "different", and although I came to not mind it, it did affect me as a kid. As a teenager I grew up with fairly low self esteem and lacking in confidence. That said I dealt with it fairly well, always had friends that mattered to me, and always had interests and activities that I enthusiastically pursued. I have just finished university and, looking back on it, the entire experience was one long identity crisis. I wasnt just the only immigrant kid, but I was also one of the few lower class kids too, and I struggled to deal with that (although at the time I saw the drugs and the drinking as having a good time, rather than escapism). At the same time, I recently was exposed to some realities that I didnt take to well at all. During my final exams I fell into a very deep depression. My moods have always seemingly oscillated but I had never experienced something this bad before. I have a great girlfriend who stuck by me, I passed all the exams with great results and I have a good job lined up, yet I did not care in the slightest. I did not feel like any of these things were as a result of anything I had done, they did not feel like achievements but rather temporary good luck that will run out. During this time my anxiety skyrocketed also to levels I had never experienced before. So when the OP talks about suddenly being hit with these new experiences, I totally get that. To suddenly really understand and really feel depression was a massive shock to the system. Im still slowly working towards getting over it. Sometimes I still break down crying for apparently no reason. But sometimes something will actually make me smile. I stopped taking my medication and have decided to do things by myself, which is not for everyone, but I feel better than I have in weeks right now. Its very difficult but also very freeing to be able to discuss it openly. I guess its better to learn to deal with this right now than 20 years down the line, right? Im also new to this site, this is my first post. Encouraging engaged, thoughtful discussion is very promising. If anyone wants to talk about their experiences or is going through something similar or had questions or whatever, Id love to talk about it!
Yeah, it can be pretty rough. I was depressed around 5 years ago, and I still deal with what I call "relapses". But as time goes on, they've been getting farther apart, so I'm hoping one day they'll be gone.
Same here. I always felt like nothing I did was a result of my efforts but rather the efforts of everyone else, and that I was being pushed by the current of life. Belief is a very powerful thing, whatever you focus on is exactly what you want yourself to see.
Thank you for sharing, Corvus. Growing up and feeling lost is strange, but a natural part of life. Accepting that you don't have all the answers, or that your perspective is limited, is a pretty huge stumbling block for most people. I know some colleagues and clients who are in their forties and haven't gotten there yet. :P There are many ways to draw comfort to yourself in this time, and at moments where the anxiety or depression returns. Finding one that works for you is a godsend and incredibly useful; if ever you need a listening ear, feel free to hit me up. I've got my own stories for anxiety and depression, as well as struggling through college and significant other personal/familial issues. You're not alone, buddy. This post certainly displays an admirable level of maturity and growth, but there's still a long way to go - for all of us, mind you. We're all on the same journey, just wandering different paths. I wish you the best in puzzling out your map for life, and will leave you with a link to a song that helps me out when I get really down. It's prog metal, though - not always to everyone's taste - though I recommend at least taking a look at the lyrics in the description. Take care!
Thanks a lot! I've only been here for a couple of days but I really felt at home and a day or so ago I just felt like typing this up -- I wasn't expecting anybody to see it because I only had about 2 people following me and the tags I used aren't very popular, so it really felt good when I saw such nice comments on my post from people who've been through the same I have. One of the hardest part of this was not being able to talk to anyone about it -- I've never been the kind to talk about how I feel, I just wasn't raised like that and I don't mind it. But sometimes talking about things like these helps, a lot. I was ashamed to tell people, so I just didn't. I dealt with it on my own, sharing only bits and pieces with a close friend of mine every now and then -- and I feel like I would've progressed much quicker had I had the courage and/or comfort with friends to talk about happened. That said, I'm so happy that I managed to get through it. I haven't found anything specific that'll help me through when I'm feeling down but I've got quite good at managing it -- my anxiety, at least. I've got some youtube people whose videos I'll watch if I'm reeeaally anxious, and that'll usually help. Thanks a lot, I'm on a train without speakers right now so I can't listen but I'll be sure to give it a listen when I get home. Thanks!
Hey Corvus, thanks for sharing, a lot of this really resonated with me. You mentioned a bit about how you feel now (not as lost, feeling better, etc). I'm wondering, if you don't mind, if you could expand on that. I think living with mental health issues for a long time can make it feel like this crazy state of mind is 'normal' or that it is the only possible state of mind/feeling. I'm struggling to understand how we know when the worst is over/what getting better feels like. For anyone reading, how do you know when you are 'better'? Do mental health issues still chase you down? What does the light at the end of the tunnel look/feel like? And I don't even know if I have anxiety/depression, but I relate a ton when others talk about their experiences. I know people shouldn't self diagnose, but is it okay to just check if what I'm feeling/thinking is 'better' or 'worse' on the spectrum? ... I'm getting incoherent, maybe someone can pick it up from here...
Of course! It's good to talk about it, I think. About knowing if I'm better, I'm afraid I don't have as much data to expose as I'd like to -- my depression/anxiety were the result of bad decisions and the availability of psychoactive drugs at a New Year's party. I took wayy too much, more than a normal human should, and it had it's toll on my brain. I won't go into details, but I had a super panick attack during a trip. I ended quickly, and I enjoyed the rest of the party, and after going home and being normal for a couple of hours, I went to sleep. When I woke up like a day later I was different. I suffered from depression/anxiety. This happened about 6 months ago, so while I don't have an exact copy of my mind before I do have a pretty good idea. In regards to the difference between adjusting to a strange mental state versus actually getting better that's complicated. I think that it's clear when you're getting better. Not ultra-clear, as getting better for me was definitely a very subtle and continuous process, and so I'd only ever notice (and still do) every once in a while, but it'll just be you noticing you feel better. That's how it was for me at least. It's like when I forget about my anxiety and suddenly remember and notice that I haven't even thought about it for the last X hours! That's always nice -- and a reminder that I can function and think like a normal person. It's possible, I'd imagine, to adjust to a strange state of mind and while that was a concern of mine, I don't think it has happened. It's important to note that, while in my case I do have a pretty good idea of what my mind was before (I hope), comparing ourselves to our previous selves is moot. It's completely senseless. We change everyday, right now I'm a different person than I was 24 hours ago. While it might be tempting, it leads nowhere and can only make us feel worse. What's important is how we feel. Do you feel ok right now? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel more or less anxious today than you did yesterday? These are the most objective questions we'll ever have pertaining to wether we're better than we were before or worse. In relation to your other questions, I myself knew I was getting better when I, for example, stopped being so anxious just riding the subway (I used to be afraid I'd jump onto the oncoming train or something). I genuinely felt better. As for when the worse is over, sometimes you just gotta hope it is. At a certain point I was unable to eat without having a panic attack (the days following my experience). I'd have a panic attack thinking about going to the supermarket to get some milk. Suddenly, things I'd always taken for granted were a challenge. It was absolute hell. Somehow, and without me even realizing it, things started getting better. Every once in a while I'd notice I no longer got as anxious when riding the bus, or going out, or whatever. That's how I knew I was getting better. I just felt better. Of course, it isn't a straight line. I didn't notice myself getting better day after day. Somedays I was worse, somedays I was better. Hell, I'm still there. I'll have better days, and worse days -- but then, so does everyone else in the world. Sometimes I'd have a horrible week and I'd be scared I was going back, but every single time it would pass -- and that's one of the most helpful realizations I've come to -- things pass. Feeling bad pass. Anxiety passes. Depression passes. Nothing is life-ending. There's always hope, and it won't always be like this. I can't talk about the light at the end of the tunnel, but then again, I don't think anyone can. Everyone's just walking through the tunnel, heading for the light. I feel good right now, and that's all that matters. I might (and certainly will) feel like shit again eventually, but I know that it's not permanent and I know that it gets better.
And hey, it's not good to self diagnose but I did too. You can always go to a psychologist -- while I've never been to one I have some psychologist friends and they're all great people whom, had I had the chance, I would've talked to. It's fine to ask yourself wether you're feeling better or worse, (I was right there, I desperately wanted to compare myself to others and "rank" myself, have concrete evidence that I was getting better) but it's important to realize that only you can answer that. As I said, it's moot to compare yourself to your previous self or to others -- you never really know what someone else is feeling (unless you're really close to them) and so it's stupid to compare yourself to others. All that matters is how you feel -- and remember, if you've been feeling down lately, it'll pass. Anyway, if you ever need an ear, I'm here. Seriously, I want to help, if you ever need it. And feel free to continue the discussion, it's always good to talk to people about these things.
This is wisdom, and wisdom that I need in my life. I've done a lot of my own growing up in the past year/year and a half, and I recognize a lot of the same patterns of thought (and behavior if I'm being honest, THC rocks) and feeling. I have assumed complete responsibility for my own wellbeing and happiness, and decided to compassionately let everyone else worry about themselves until I have my own stuff figured out, or at least more figured out than it is now. You seem like a cool dude, hope you're here for the long haul.I learned that the world isn't as black and white as I thought it was, and that some problems are harder to solve than they may seem to at first. I suddenly realized that other people also sometimes have to deal with this, and that lead me to acknowledge a whole other dimension to people's personalities that I had never really considered before.
Thanks a lot man, that means a lot to me. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how good it feels to know people out there have been where we are and to be able to relate to other people. Yeah, I've had to do this too. I've always been somewhat co-dependent on other people's wellbeing for my own but when this happened I just stopped having enough energy to deal with everyone else and with myself. I actually had to cut some people away during this and they were doing me more harm than good. Some of them I reconnected with recently, and some I haven't. It's life though, and sometimes you just have to focus on yourself. You shouldn't go around helping other people at your own expense. Thanks a lot man. You seem like a cool dude too, and I hope the best for you.
I think the lack of energy in us is because in the back of our minds we've come to realize some ugly and dark truths. Since 2008 it seemed touch and go for a while. What progress we make in this country can be rolled back by small minded, ignorant people afraid of change. We can't let that happen. It's weird here at hubski, it's like collectively most of are maturing. This is a good sign.