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comment by lil
lil  ·  3480 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Coffee Talks

I will assume that this is written from a personal experience -- which makes it more interesting and easier to talk about. OK, I don't want to talk about poetry so much as I want to talk about content.

I know a few women and many men who do not have a lot of what I call "awareness of the other." To create more awareness of the other, I often ask people I'm meeting to bring a me a question. I will ask this of people whether I'm a new acquaintance or have known them for years. I met one new acquaintance recently. He was part of another friend's drink club and he thought I might be interesting to get to know... I thought. At our first coffee date, he did a lot of talking. I asked a lot of questions - so I take responsibility for that. I'm curious. But he went on a bit like the human in your poem. At the end, he said, "That was fun. Let's do it again."

I said, "OK, but I have a request. Bring me a question."

He said, "I don't know. That's odd. Can't we just talk."

I said, "Sure. OK. Questions aren't for everyone."

He gave me his poetry book and, earlier, had sent me links to the documentary films he was working on.

The next day, he texted me.

    I have a question. What do you think about my poetry and films?

Again, I didn't say "Ask me something about me that you might be curious about." I said, "Bring me a question." -- but it was a disappointing question. In any event, the second chat went much like the first. I'm a great audience if the curiosity is mutual, but I think I'm done in this case.

_refugee_ might be interested in your poem and this discussion.





_refugee_  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I hate it when someone (usually on an online dating site or blind date) says, "I'm an open book. Ask me anything."

Frequently, this comment is really a cop-out. It appears that the speaker is forthcoming, honest, and has nothing to hide. However, usually, you don't know the person well enough when they make such a comment to actually assess if this statement is probably true.

More importantly, such a remark places the onus of the entire conversation solely on the other party. "I'm an open book, but I can't be bothered to determine what's actually interesting about myself to disclose casually, or to spark your interest."

"I'm an open book if you interrogate me, but I don't have anything to offer up un-solicited."

It is a lazy way to start a conversation.

I have always wanted to ask someone who said such or similar to me, "OK. Tell me whatever it is you don't want me to know."

I think the response would interest me more than "What is your favorite color/food/animal/clothing material?" for sure. It would also put the person who is too lazy to drive a conversation right back in the front seat. And if anyone were ever honest answering, I would learn tons.

I have not had to ask this yet. I admit, however, to inquiring, "What is your trauma?" and "Why are you here?" of recent would-be paramours.

I do challenge people. But I would rather hear the interesting answers to the hard questions than know what your middle name is. And I certainly will not do you the favor of 'making the conversation happen' if you cannot even come up with an icebreaker but merely shove it back on me with "I'll say anything, so long as you ask."

It's like "I can write about anything....but I need you to give me a prompt." Bitch, don't say you can write about anything. If I need to give you a prompt, you can't. - At least, you can't deal with a non-parametered situation. I understand, the hardest topic is "anything." But you should know what is safe to go with, conversationally, at least; and you should be interested enough that you willingly offer information, not make me pick it out of you like the flesh from a crab. Sure interrogation is satisfying in its own right but I'm not impressed by people who make me do all the work.

/rant

"Bring me a question" says, "tell me what you find interesting." it says, "bring something to the conversation." it says, "think a little bit, instead of pretending to be an open book when really, you just can't be arsed to come up with one single thing."

I like that approach, too. It is less offensive (in the sports, offensive/defensive, as well as social, way). I have got tired of dating people who aren't worth it. I choose being a little offensive over not. I suppose I have an aggressive dating strategy. I tell you what though, it can help save time a lot.

Edit II: Your man's return question was a cop-out, definitely. I can only assume he was intimidated and/or scared. He was afraid of investment and revealing. He took the easy route. (And self-flattering, by the way, if he has the awareness to know if he is any good at writing and his pursuits.)

The thing is I find it scarier to ask how someone likes my poem, than something like "What it is you do not like about me?" I accept that not everyone may like or understand me. I don't always like or understand myself. But my poetry? Ah, that's a blind spot.

Sometimes I send my poems that I like a lot to people who I know will be critical because I know I like them too much, and I need someone to bring me back down to earth about them. The ardor springs from two factors: a) actual qualities in the poem; b) how recently I wrote it. But as for me I know myself too well (and work to continually know myself as honestly as possible) to suffer much similar blindness. It is not so hard to hear what others think my flaws are, (I know I have plenty and that is not a shock) as it is to send someone a poem I wrote that I love, and hope (but fear!) that they will or will not like it.

lil  ·  3478 days ago  ·  link  ·  
This comment has been deleted.
lil  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Tell me whatever it is you don't want me to know."
I've asked that.

Sometimes, as I began to get interested in someone. More specifically, I have asked, "What are you most afraid to tell me?"

    Your man's return question was a cop-out, definitely.
I wouldn't say a cop-out so much as evidence of his true focus: himself.

So much more to respond to....

user-inactivated  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    To create more awareness of the other, I often ask people I'm meeting to bring a me a question

I'm curious what kinds of questions people bring you. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is the maximum number of regions defined by N lines in the plane?"

lil  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Let's say I'm "the other." That question would help you create more awareness of my ignorance of recurrence. Now if my ignorance of recurrence is a decisive factor in whether we continue chatting, then you have some important information.

People bring all kinds of questions. I meet once or twice a year with a man who long ago was my Grade 8 drama teacher and is now a mentor of sorts. He brought this question, "Why are we still friends?"

Another time, I was asked these three questions.

Some people have a lot of trouble coming up with questions for another person. You've been around here a long time. Do you remember this story and the ensuing conversation?

_refugee_  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

"Why are we still friends?" is a great question, so long as the person being asked it won't just get offended.

Sometimes questions that sound offensive at first blush are actually just honest, curious, inquisitive - and tell much.

lil  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

It was a real inquiry. He was referring to me and several others from that period in his life. He had just been to a birthday party from one of my cohort.

_refugee_  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I figured it had to be.

We have spoken recently about friends that, when the reasons behind that are examined, maybe shouldn't still be friends.

But with friends of merit? That could lead to great discussion.

pelletion  ·  3479 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thanks for that, that was a neat experience to read about. Definitely gets me thinking about what questions I ask people