While the episode is mainly about how to introduce heavy topics to children, it is a portrait of the American zeitgeist on those topics just as much, I think.
I haven't listened to the episode yet, but I know that the first conversation about death that I have with my 3yo daughter is coming soon. She often asks me to tell her stories about "when I was a little", and I usually mention my father in them. I have sensed that she has come close to asking the question, but perhaps couldn't find the words. Once, after relating about a fishing outing I took with my father and grandfather, she said that she was going to go fishing with my father and hug him. I almost broke down on the spot. I distinctly remember lying awake at night at a very young age being terrified of death. I would like to avoid her experiencing that if possible.
As you know, our daughter (4yo) has been asking about her grandmother that died when my wife was 12. Having to answer these tough questions definitely gives insight in to peoples desire for religion and the story of heaven. It's an easy answer. It's much more difficult to say, "I'm not sure where we go or what happens, but I know I'm here with you now and I'm so glad."I distinctly remember lying awake at night at a very young age being terrified of death. I would like to avoid her experiencing that if possible.
there are so many things I would like my children to avoid, but it's damn near impossible to shield them from things like death. How and when they find out about it are often out of your hands as well. Therefore, if you're able to be the first to broach the topic, that's great.
My father in law died when my daughter was about two years old. he adored her and she him. Facing death head on with her was the only option. We basically told her that Pop Pop had died, he was gone and he wouldn't be back. We have often told her how much he loved her, that we are all sad that he is gone and that we all value the fact that they had time to be together. When she has asked where he has gone we have told her that we believe that he hasn't gone anywhere, he is no more. We also tell her that Pop Pop believed he was going somewhere else called heaven. This doesn't throw her for as bad a loop as you might think, I try let her know that different people believe different things and that all the things we believe might not always be true. She makes up stories about family member she has never met or that are dead. I think it's a good thing generally. The thing that chokes me up... The other day she told my wife that she can't remember Pop Pop very well anymore. She doesn't tell the same stories that she used to tell about the time they spent together. Someday, probably not long from now, due to the vagaries of children's memories, Pop Pop will just be the guy in the pictures. IT makes me sad, he was a kind, gentle and loving man.
Thanks for that. I have a cousin whose mother died when she was four. She doesn't remember her. I am several years older, and I remember the two of them together, but she doesn't. It's frightening to think that my own daughter likely won't yet be able to remember me and what we do together.
I have not listened to this yet, and perhaps I lack the ability to speak to this as well as the parents here would. I showed my gap in knowledge to mk and wasoxygen last month, but children are more perceptive and capable that we give them credit for. I don't really like children at all, but I do remember vividly being one, and children do like me now because I always speak freely, openly, candidly, and respectfully to them. I remember nothing was worse as a kid, even as young as five, when an adult would keep information from me, when I already have the gist of the topic. Or they would speak down, as if I wasn't capable of understanding something, or they were afraid to use the phrase "I don't know." I remember my parents giving me "the talk" about all three of these topics, and clearly remember thinking after all three that I learned nothing new. I learned that I was now allowed to talk about them to my parents, because they had also been shrouded and taboo topics to speak of. I remember lots of "ask when your older"s and deflection. It was disappointing when I'd waited for them to bring them all up, and then they didn't tell me anything new. They, and other topics as well, immediately seemed more of" these are uncomfortable things to talk about" more than "my child is not ready for them." Which is understandable. Parents want to shield their children from things as thenewgreen said below, but the fact is kids want to know. And they already mostly know anyway. The earlier the door is open to discussion, and the less they feel topics are forbidden, the better, in my opinion. But again, there may be something fundamental I miss here, a dynamic or an obvious factor. It's just something I've certainly noticed being candid with children-- that I HEAVILY dislike-- that they still seek me out more than my peers who like kids even.
I think that is the best approach. It reminds me of Alyosha Karamazov. "When I used to wear a satchel like yours, I always used to carry it on my left side, so as to have my right hand free, but you've got yours on your right side. So it will be awkward for you to get at it." Alyosha had no art or premeditation in beginning with this practical remark. But it is the only way for a grown-up person to get at once into confidential relations with a child, or still more with a group of children. One must begin in a serious, businesslike way so as to be on a perfectly equal footing. Alyosha understood it by instinct.children do like me now because I always speak freely, openly, candidly, and respectfully to them
Alyosha went up and, addressing a fair, curly-headed, rosy boy in a black jacket, observed: