a thoughtful web.
Good ideas and conversation. No ads, no tracking.   Login or Take a Tour!
comment by _refugee_
_refugee_  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Thenewgreen rounds up his friends in one big circle and says,   ·  

    _refugee_ -Did you just get a new tattoo? I recall seeing something like that while trying to peruse Hubski on my phone, while my daughter was at dance class. How is the poetry coming along? Any new publications on the horizon? It seems 2014 was a good year for you in that regard, right? How is life with the boyfriend? All good?

I am late to the game on this one. And if anyone has noticed I may be a little late to the game at Hubski in general, or may have been. I am juggling things including a growing hate of my current/new job and I find that I have less Hubski time (or at least it seems to me) as a result.

I did just get a new tattoo. Take a look:

I am very happy with it. There is some background information here but I figured I'd elaborate a bit more and do it justice here, so mk here is a better answer. I'm sorry, I don't Hubski mobile well, and I responded to you on mobile. This is generally the summation I've gotten down to tell people (it still takes a few minutes, it's a complex story, but all the better for such a tattoo, I think):

So, Jimmy Fallon's father, James. He's a scientist, he studies brains. One day he was in the science-y medical place where they look at brain scans. At that time he was doing two studies: one was a familial, casual personal study looking at brain scans of his family members, I think for genetic diseases or trends, not sure. The other was a formal study of psychopathy. At this point it should be mentioned that the brain scans of psychopaths are visibly different from those of non-psychopaths; different areas "light up," to be a layman about it. Anyway, James is in his study, lookin' at a brain scan and he thinks "Aha! We have a perfect example of a psychopath here! Wonderful!"

Then he looked at his notes. Turned out, that scan wasn't from the psychopathy study. It was from his family. So he looked up who it belonged to, and it turned out to be - him! Well, he was nonviolent, he'd never killed or tried to kill anybody, but he did indeed otherwise fall into classic psychopath behaviors. So they interviewed him, and I think he wrote a book.

In the first link I provide the Hubski link for the article I read, in which they interviewed James. One of the things they asked him about was love, and romance. And he admits that "even the most hardcore, cold intellectual wants to believe in the romantic notion." He calls it a "disappointment," when he realized he would never have that. That specific paragraph in which they discuss this "romantic notion," as he terms it, really resonated with me. Why?

Well, because I try to think I'm that cold, hardcore intellectual. That I don't need love or want love. But deep down at the heart of it, I do. I know I do, though I may deny it or say I'm not capable of being in a relationship or anything. But you know what? If a psychopath can admit that even he wanted love - a person who genuinely probably isn't capable of it, at least as we know it - then I can too, or at least, I should be reminded of that. To me, it means - everyone wants love. No matter how we deny it.

:)

Poetry - it's coming. Got a really exciting opportunity tomorrow actually, I'm going to go to a poetry workshop group up in Philly for the first time, see how they are. Maybe I will join. I am hoping it's a good opportunity to get regular feedback on my work by people I trust to "know" poetry. (It can be hard to swallow poetry advice from people who don't read it a lot. I admit. I have my sensitivity there.) Nothing new to announce about January 2015, besides the Deer Skin poem which I know you saw went up and my poem over at Cider House Review. Bop Dead City will put two of my poems in their January issue whenever it goes live but to spare the expectation of any of you buying it I may re-post them online once it goes up - linky

I still have the goal of self-releasing a hand-bound small selection of poems by end of 1Q2015 but there are 2 poems I want to have feedback on before I'll feel totally content with them so the project has been on hold waiting for tomorrow's workshop (where I am being brave and asking them to look at the first of the two).

2014 was extraordinarily good for publications for me. I am hoping 2015 will match it but not optimistic and as usual not enjoying the submission process.

:)

Uh, the boyfriend. Hmm. It's not great but I'm hoping it'll improve. Long story short is he thinks/feels we're at 100% but I am not at 100%. I am hoping it gets better. He's making some life choices I am sure he feels are very necessary and important but I am having a hard time agreeing with them. Because he is a dreamer and I am not. But they won't harm him if they don't pan out, it's just frustrating to watch him 'try' knowing he will most likely get nowhere. However I suppose he has to feel like he's done it instead of just - wake up and smell the coffee. Haha. Hard to sum. Not really worth going into more, though.

Overall - things are OK. I hope they get better, but they aren't bad and could be much worse.

Best wishes to you TNG and thanks for the care.





swedishbadgergirl  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The tattoo and story behind it are amazing.

_refugee_  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thanks :) I keep having to tell people it's a long story but I think it's justified.

swedishbadgergirl  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yes, it is and it's also the kind of thing were I think a lot of people wouldn't really understand/think it's heartless/be rude about it.

Sorry about this whole wall of text - when I respond to you it always seems to go from me talking about whatever you were talking about to just ranting about myself for several paragraphs.

I am also the type that tells themselves that they are super happy alone. I'm not. I am however pretty sure that dating someone in my class/year would be boring/stupid/make me act like I do not want to act for approval that is meaningless anyway. I was kind of liking a guy and we'd even gone for a really long walk and talked and got along. Then he shared some anti-feminist gamergate stuff. Yeah, that is not happening.

The worst is that people my age have gotten engaged. This is the age were people start pairing up into serious relationships. And I'm still single. (The legal age (for sex) in Sweden is 15 and my friends are 1-2 years older than me so not as stupid as it sounds. The friend who has gotten engaged was 15 at the time. You can't get married until 18 thankfully)

I say I've never had a boyfriend/girlfrien SO constantly when I think about it I was actually "married" to a guy for several years. I even got a ring. (Those years were grade 2-5, I was 7-10. I had a sister wife, but I was obviously the favorite.)

_refugee_  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

There's a lot to be said for being single. It provides an enormous amount of personal liberty and you are accountable to no one, except yourself, and maybe-kind-of-sort-of your roommates if you have them, or your parents from the distance of a phone if you've moved out. (I have moved back in though, so even if I were single now, I wouldn't have the exact kind of autonomy that I do cherish.) It also provides endless opportunities for you to prove yourself to you - when your tire goes flat and you have to change it or when you force yourself to eat by yourself in a restaurant and not feel self-conscious or at the very least feel self-conscious but accept and do not give in to the self-consciousness. All sorts of things. You learn who you really are when you are single, I think, at least some aspects of yourself that a relationship can cloud or cover up.

And casual dating can be fun too, loads of attention, no responsibility, no need to answer to anyone; you're all just having fun. (That gets tiresome, though. That can be painful, for one or both parties involved - not always you, by all means, but it's not fun to deal with someone else's hurt either, and if you're a guilty sort you can find yourself feeling that way about it.)

It is important to achieve happiness on one's own, too, or first, as you probably know. But that happiness surely doesn't negate a desire for

either.

Anti-feminism is a complete and total turn-off for me. I totally get you there. Don't bother with that dude.

You seem to have an idea that dating right now wouldn't be a good idea for you, maybe due to the limited pool, and/or also because you don't think you'd like how you'd act. Well, truth: I don't like how I act in romantic relationships. That doesn't mean I get all bitchy and mean or anything, in fact often the opposite: it is not easy for me to admit I care and I often get frustrated when my caring for another person causes me to act in a way that doesn't align with my underlying wants/desires. Compromise, right, you know?

When you date, if you still worry you might become hung up over a guy's approval in lieu of your own sensibilities, just monitor yourself. Watch your own behavior and assess if, and how, it changes. Keep an eye out for the kind of behavior you don't want, but remember too that relationships do require give and take and that if you work too hard to avoid what you fear (puppy-begging for approval) you may overreact and instead seem cold, hard, indifferent, etc, and that will impact your relationships negatively too. The solution in the long term is not to avoid relationships but to learn how to navigate them, and yourself, successfully. If you don't like how a relationship begins to impact you, save the you that you value, leave, and do your best to move on. It isn't always easy of course. Emotions make people want to stay. It hurts to leave.

That being said I think it's a wiser person who opts consciously not to date due to verbalized reasons than one who either jumps into dating in youth because of Disney movies and romances, or who avoids it out of fear or the idea that one is undesirable, etc. You are young and you have plenty of time and no, there's no need to get started dating now if you think it's unwise. If you really do think it would derail you from your priorities it's even kind of smart - but sometime you're going to have to let go a little bit :)

As for engagements - oh honey. OH, honey. Five of my ex-boyfriends are married. 4 to the next girl they dated after me. I am the female good luck Chuck, haha.

It is interesting to observe but I know it's not what I want right now. Mostly I get a kick out of all the weddings I'm not invited to.

15's way too young in my opinion - but then again, I'm 25 and don't feel quite old enough for it either :)

swedishbadgergirl  ·  3354 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think 15 is an okay age - certainly an age were you can comfortably say that things under that are rape even if the girl said yes because dude - she's fourteen.

I have had terrible dating luck. My last "boyfriend" was when I was 11. (I actually think about that and go "Ehh... I was making out with a guy? At 11? Seriously? That's a bit..." He was twelve by the way.)

My last actual dating thing ended with me playing Fable 3 with him and he randomly pulling out his well... I didn't stop to ask what he called it but he did say "Can it come inside?". After I let out a horrified no he asked why.

Yeah.

He still tries to talk to me regularly. And tries to sit next to me on the bus.

I do want to date - but not enough to go out of my way to do it. Also due to a really touchy-feely friendship with one girl I'm pretty sure most people think I'm gay & spoken for Which doesn't really help the dating aspect.

Also I have a chronic bitch-face.

    it is not easy for me to admit I care and I often get frustrated when my caring for another person causes me to act in a way that doesn't align with my underlying wants/desires.

I feel like I could relate so much to this.

Also - if one is talking stereotypes I wear a dress but is loud and argumentative and such and I sometimes find myself holding that back when with a guy I kind of like and I really hate doing that.

Also I love that poem now.

_refugee_  ·  3354 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Ha, I have a best friend/former girlfriend and a LOT of people think we are together even though they have never known us while we were together because we spend so much time together, show up in the same places, etc. Also that's just a weird relationship in general tbh.

Uh, that guy sounds like what he showed you. That's right I said it, dick.

Unsolicited advice that is only somewhat related: if you ever find yourself worrying about whether or not to do something like tell a dude off because if you do, it'll be "mean" or "not nice" or you'll be a "frigid bitch" - fuck that asshole, fuck everyone who says you shouldn't do it because you're mean, and tell them off.

Hearing about the loud and argumentative makes me feel like you may already have an awareness of that advice though :)

Chronic bitch face! I like to call it "active bitch face" as opposed to "resting bitch face." Nah man. My bitch face is active.

It's a very great poem. I memorized it once, but I'm afraid in the long run only about half of it stuck.

veen  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think you've made a wonderful choice for your tattoo. And a nice font, too!

The idea of a tattoo has always allured me. Specifically the idea that something matters enough to embroider your epidermis, so to speak. How did you get started with tattoos? When is something important enough to become a part of you?

Besides the fact that I'm probably not cool enough for tattoos, I probably wouldn't be able to settle on a design. I'd have a hard time finding something that matters so much and looks good on me.

lil  ·  3355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You just haven't found the right map yet. Maybe a treasure map?