There's a lot of convoluted, purposefully-syntactically-flipped sentences in here. I think that your poem would have a lot more power if they weren't out of order like that. For example: to "The thought of a family in peril is chilling." I just don't think that a sentence should be made out of order in order to make the sentence sound more "philosophical" or like it has somehow more weight.
to Dark and endless would be the
pain of a billion suffering stars
which never were nursed.
The pain of a billion suffering stars
which never were nursed
would be dark and endless.
Chilling is the thought of a family in peril.
Thx refugee, I have that same issue with most of my writing, where i also view it as pretentious and snobbish. Made to appear it has weight when in reality there is a void there, an emptiness of sorts. I dig what you have to say about the style, i personally see how constructing a sentence in such a way is or might appear annoying, the reason i write is such a structure is because English is not my first language, but it is my preference to write in it. also, when i write in such a structure, i perceive that it has a different connotation, creating more imagery and warmth.
i don't know which i like better, i am not sure if its a preference issue or if its syntax or structurally incoherent or simply wrong on my part.