In my recent meditations (Valentines day got me thinking about dating a lot) I've come to the realization I'm great at being a boyfriend, but bad at being single. The advice I've gotten from a few friends and my Dad boils down to 'Focus on yourself.' The struggle I'm having is that I'm not sure how I can do that without letting it become a narcissistic or selfish thing. In addition, I'm worried that if I focus on the things that will improve myself, and that I draw a lot of pleasure from, I'm probably not going to meet many, if any new people.
I think this is an issue of interpretation, because when I hear 'Focus on yourself' what I really hear is 'Focus on your schoolwork, your professional life, your musical skill, your fitness, your diet and assorted outdoorsy stuff (Kayaking, camping, fishing etc)'
So Hubski, how can I be better at being single without becoming a navel-gazing narcissist?
IMHO the term narcissism is over-applied. I believe we owe a respectful degree of self-actualization to our loved-ones. We humans require some work to get into top form. To me, that means doing things that require some sort of investment, whether it be time, difficulty, persistence, etc. Perhaps a useful approach would be to measure yourself from the perspective of a friend. If you were your friend, how would you see the person that is yourself? How could that person best grow, in your opinion?
Self Improvement is not all it is made out to be. Focus on others, volunteer get out side of your self.
While focusing on others can be a great thing, you can be much more helpful to people when you are at your best. Self improvement is all that it is made out to be and more. I would consider volunteering an action of self-betterment. When I've taken the time to help others in need, I tend to learn quite a bit and I get a sense of personal satisfaction that certainly makes me mentally "better." -I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. OftenBen, in regards to relationships, you'll have plenty of time for such things and though it's cliche I have found that it is true that, one finds romance when they're not looking.
the self is a Modern Western affectation ;) Personality exists only in context. ;(
I'm not worried about time per se. I've just accepted that dating for dudes comes down to a numbers game, making a lot of attempts, and 'failing' most of those times. Regarding finding romance when not in pursuit of it, I worry that my interests, if pursued to their extremes (Which I'm prone to do) will essentially make me anti-social, even if I'm not that way. To use the outdoorsy stuff as an example, I want to spend as much of this summer as possible on the water, and remote Michigan waterways aren't exactly teeming with SEXY SINGLES LOOKING TO HOOK UP IN YOUR AREA. My desire for a relationship in that regard is a desire to have someone to share that experience with. My bros (male friends and literal brothers) are great, but there's a limit to the depth of those relationships.
It's still the issue of wading through a crowd of people trying to find someone you're compatible with. Just because women have a lot of men approaching them, it doesn't mean a guy they're compatible with will ever actually approach them. Particularly if the woman isn't projecting herself in a way that would attract the men she wants, or if she's not even bothering to approach men herself.
Conversely, I am great at being single, and often think I am bad at being in a relationship. I guess the first step would be, stop trying to date anyone. At all. Just don't. You want to focus on you, right? So just tune out romantic notions. Don't make it a priority in your life. You can meet new people doing things like kayaking, camping, and fishing - they don't have to be solitary. I have found that the best way to meet people is by already knowing people. Hang out with them and meet their friends. Over time, you will accumulate more. Alternatively, there are sites and services like meetup.com which are specifically formed to help you meet a group of people with a common interest, like say - kayaking, camping, or fishing. Meeting people takes time. However, if you arein school, it is surprisingly easy to meet people and gain friends - even through focusing on schoolwork. Find people to study with in your classes or just find people that seem cool and sit next to them, start talking. Go to parties you are invited to. Ask someone if they wanna grab a bite with you after class. I talk a little bit about personal hierarchies in my response to 8bit down below. You may or may not find that helpful. Focus on ensuring that you are doing what you like to do. Focus on meeting your goals. You will find you still meet people doing this. And that maybe, you will make progress towards becoming the kind of person you'd like to be.
That would rock, if it weren't so damn difficult. When I say I'm good at being a boyfriend, I mean that I frequently come up with, completely spontaneously, little ideas/gifts/thoughtful gestures that I know a S.O. would appreciate, but would not be allowed for any female friend (They all seem to be in relationships, some good, some bad) This happens without any forethought on my part, and NOT having an outlet for my 'romantic' energy causes anxiety and depression. The personal hierarchy thing is something I've been working on for a long time. I was raised very religious, so overcoming the 'God First, Others Second, Yourself Third(Last)' takes a lot of de-conditioning, even thought I no longer practice or believe in that faith. And yes, I'm aware the things I enjoy don't have to be solitary, however, unless priority is set, at some point to meet people, simply pursuing the hobbies themselves to their end isn't going to make me new friends. My desire for a S.O., rather than hookups, given my age, comes from a desire to have someone to appreciate those things with, who values a lot of the same things that I do, currently that void, for lack of a better word, is occupied in bits and pieces, but not totally, and not by any one person. Remember too the 'general male conditioning' of 'I can only be emotionally intimate with people I am physically intimate with as well,' so there's even a hard limit on the times/places where I can express these feelings. I know I sound defeatist, but I can't help but wonder if it's the rational response.I guess the first step would be, stop trying to date anyone. At all. Just don't. You want to focus on you, right? So just tune out romantic notions.
Well, why can't you have multiple people to fill those voids? I think it may be a little unreasonable to expect a significant other to fill in every role of what you enjoy in life. (Depends on how long the list is!) Why can't you have, say, six male friends with whom you fish, kayak, go to bars, and so on This sounds like "it causes me anxiety and depression to not do things for other people." That is a very interesting problem to have, I would say. Maybe it is tied to your upbringing. What about volunteering or in some way giving back to the community? It's not romantic, necessary, but it might help with some of that?comes from a desire to have someone to appreciate those things with, who values a lot of the same things that I do, currently that void, for lack of a better word, is occupied in bits and pieces, but not totally, and not by any one person.
NOT having an outlet for my 'romantic' energy causes anxiety and depression.
I volunteer for a cause that I'm very passionate about, through two different non-profits and a support group in addition to several online communities I help moderate. Yes, I derive a lot of pleasure from helping people, but my 'platonic altruism' needs are being met. Romance, in the cutesy, LTR way is essentially an instinct. I could squash this part of myself, I'm fairly confident I could do it rather quickly too, but I'm almost 100% certain it would never return. I'm trying to cultivate that, but it's harder than it sounds. My best friend since 8th grade is becoming a shut in after living in a frat house for 2 years, now he goes to class, plays video games, and other than when I invite him somewhere, or drag him out somewhere, he doesn't really socialize, or even leave the house. He has lost a lot of the adventure we had in high school. Most of my friends from school (Male and female) aren't around in the summer, for various reasons, and like I'm saying, they've all got bits and pieces of a very core part of my identity. I don't think a healthy relationship requires a perfect overlap of interests/values, but I feel a really base desire for a relationship that goes farther, deeper than platonic 'Oh you're pretty neat to hang out with sometimes, when I'm free, bored or otherwise not busy.'This sounds like "it causes me anxiety and depression to not do things for other people." That is a very interesting problem to have, I would say. Maybe it is tied to your upbringing. What about volunteering or in some way giving back to the community? It's not romantic, necessary, but it might help with some of that?
Why can't you have, say, six male friends with whom you fish, kayak, go to bars, and so on
Don't give a fuck. I'm being serious about this. Don't fucking care about anyone except yourself. Accept the fact that the only person you need to care about is yourself, because the world doesn't owe you anything. Fuck that noise. You wanna die thinking about all the shit you wish you had done but didn't because you spent it trying to make other people happy? That's bullshit. No one else matters, when you get right down to it. That doesn't mean you become an asshole. It just means you focus on yourself, first. The key here is first. Put your needs first, and you'll become happier. It sounds narcissistic, but it's not. It's setting priorities. Edit: I think some of this can be rescinded. Been in a bad mood.
Is not a complete philosophy it is not even Hillel's complete philosophy he also said andIf I am not for myself, who will be? -Hillel
"Don't trust yourself until the day you die.
"Your house should be open wide, and you should make the poor members of your household."
and he also said, "If I am only for myself, what am I?" -- some translators put it like this: If I am only for myself, what am "I"? There has to be some balance between self and others. You are most able to effectively help and consider others, the more you understand yourself.
If you feel no kindness from the world - it is hard to give kindness to others. Hillel's quote ends with "If not now, when?" As for the question, OftenBen about being a better single guy - whatever the "right" answer is -- I have a feeling that it is the same answer to the question "how can I be a better married guy?" or "how can I be a better human being?" I wonder if it's the same answer to the question, "What does it mean to be mature?"
The answer to the question "What does it mean to be mature?" is easy just don't giggle when people say butt. I don't know to fix what is wrong with humans but I am pretty sure the answer is not we need to become more selfish.
I actually passed this test. I think I may be a robot...
nah no one expects you to pass until you are 40. protip you can giggle inside
Well, 8bit, I agree with you, at least bits and pieces. Do care about others, but only care about others after yourself. I have a personal hierarchy. It became established after I realized I had a bad hierarchy, through drowning myself in relationships. The hierarchy is short, simple, and guides my actions more often than you'd think. 1. Me. - If you don't put yourself at the top of your own hierarchy, you will never be at the
top of any hierarchy. You need to take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else. That includes simple stuff: clean your room, brush your teeth, do your laundry. Be well fed and well slept. That then moves over into desires. What do you want to do? If anyone else ever puts you on their personal hierarchy above themselves, guess what - you don't want to be with that person, because that person is not invested in taking care of themself. 2. Family. -Feels self-explanatory to me, although I'm unnaturally close to both my siblings.
Some people aren't as close to their family. That's fine. I'm Irish and one of the few sets of traditions I value are the traditions of family. There is never any question if I will be there on a birthday, holiday, or special occasion. There is never any question if I will help if my family needs help. (There are of course slight exceptions. I'm not trying to encourage enabling behavior, see point #1 on the hierarchy.) 3. Friends. 4. "All the rest you fuckers." That includes people I'm dating. They can work their way up
that hierarchy, but it's important when in a relationship to not let that relationship subsume you, your relationship with your family, or your friendships. Otherwise, when that relationship ends (and it most likely will end) you are left with nothing. This is why the other 3 come first. I sometimes just call myself selfish. I mean, "I do what I want to do." I mean, "I make sure my desires are met." I mean, "No, I'm not going to my roommate's stupid party where I won't know anyone and I certainly won't carpool and thus be stuck at that party for four hours or more, not having any fun. I don't care if she's my roommate. It's not what I want to do." (My roommate falls into category #4.) Secondary reasons for doing things are acceptable. For instance, if I wanted to strengthen my relationship with my roommate, I might choose to go to the party, even though I didn't want to go to the party itself. But you should have, always, a reason for doing something and it should be more than "because someone else wants me to do." Even if that reason is "I want to make this person happy, and they want me to do this, so I'm going to." Damn it, mk, I want indents. I want hanging margins.
I'm afraid I have to vehemently disagree with you on this one. This sounds a lot like Rand-style cynicism, a philosophy that one need be very narrow minded and myopic to endorse. Sometimes people are jerks, and you will have times in your life that you get hurt by people you care about pretty bad. That doesn't make all people bad, and it doesn't mean that the next person will also hurt you. Becoming a cynic is the fast track to a not so fulfilling life, IMO. The best part of life to me is forming and maintaining relationships, friends, family, loves, colleagues. I'm not really a very social person, so don't read this as me saying that more is better. I do, however, firmly believe that forming strong bonds with others, even just a few others, is the best we can hope for. "Trying to make other people happy" is different from bringing others happiness through your actions, which hopefully comes naturally (and reciprocally) when dealing with loved ones.