There's something I've been meaning to tell Hubski, for this is a community of people I can trust, and what I mean to say is very important for me. I've been running away from telling it, as well, because it sounds severe and radical, even for the liberal Hubski, perhaps more severe and radical than it really is. I've been afraid of Hubski community's disapproval enough to skip writing this post earlier, but I now realize how little it matters.
I've been thinking about this for a while now, though always in the background. There's been a lot of bullshit in my life from the very beginning, at it was always sickening, though only recently have I figured this feeling out. I'm being held on an emotional leash by my egocentrical and immature parents through monetary dependence, myself being a student living in a different city while working nowhere. All the relationships I've had with both men or women were built on bullshit because I was too scared to speak my mind up and depended heavily on others' approval, and I've been either sheepish or outright dishonest just to get that. I've been holding myself in disregard because I was raised to believe I was nothing without my parents' staying in good mood or in pride of my achievements to which they've contributed nothing directly.
I've never felt strong enough to just leave it, but I've been trying to find a way to deal with it in the meantime. I think I've found one, and it's meant to be tough and strict.
Here's the plan: unless in three years time - by January 1st, 2019 - I accomplish anything worthy with my life, I'll kill myself.
I'm not suicidal, and I don't want to die. Such a losing condition is meant to be an incentive: my having a good life is a good enough thing to bet ending my life on. If in face of my death I will not understand the value of living, my life would indeed be worthless. I haven't been living anything of worth so far, doing barely anything of achievement and accomplishment to be proud of. If I am to die, than I shall certainly have the time of my life beforehand.
This doesn't mean I'm intent on getting a lose. The condition stands as such: I kill myself unless I do something worthy. Therefore, I consider suicide the default state unless proven otherwise, and I shall not stop before the three years time is up just because I've done something I feel good about at the moment. The time given should be plenty for me to understand the perspective of my actions if I hadn't had a grasp on it already, as well as to provide me with enough information on what I find worthy doing.
This post isn't meant as either a suicide note or a sympathy inducer, for I seek neither at the moment. Talking about it felt right and the community seems trustworthy of important causes, however personal those might be. I don't expect all of you to support me, but I don't expect you to talk me out of it either. I hope that you understand: this, for me, means starting a new life, with all the lessons I've learned and all the knowledge I have to get by on. Standing before death in measuring my life inspires me to do better: there's nobility in being able to admit on my deathbed that I haven't lived my life for nothing, and there's purity in measuring my life alongside the ultimate finish line, for it reveals what truly matters.
Anyway. How did your new year begin?