Cynicism is easy, comfortable, and at this point in history, popular. Idealism is laughed at, mocked, and hung on the cross of modern media.
I don't want to be cynical, but, in keeping with my particular insanity, idealism seems like a delightful delusion, but ultimately, a delusion. It's a crazy cynical thought, but deep down I believe that anyone who is regularly happy/content is blissfully unawares or willfully ignorant.
This sounds similar to a lot of my earliest posts on the site. I am not the same person who wrote those earlier posts, but a lot of my old worries still don't have answers that satisfy, and on days like today (It's been a rough one for myriad reasons) they all seem to rear their horrible polycephaly. After a lot of personal work(Meditation, etc) I am no longer so paralyzed by fear, uncertainty and grief that I cannot function on a day to day basis, but I would be false to say that I don't still hold on to a big chunk of it. When things get bad I revert to my most cynical, most depressive, most pessimistic, because it's familiar and comfortable in a sick way.
tl;dr - I'm taking a long shot anyway, because I accepted I could die whenever, today is shitty and is making me feel shitty when I have been feeling better than I have for a long time otherwise.