Gin is for people who think alcohol consumption warrants additional punishment

Wine is for assholes

Craft beer is for assholes who can't appreciate wine

Whiskey is for assholes who can't appreciate wine but want to get really fucked up

Cinnamon whiskey is for people who might drink Scope mouthwash

Vodka is for people with serious addictions. It's ideally watered down grain alcohol. Top shelf vodka is a myth as a result

MD 20/20 is for desperate winos. Also people who don't appreciate wine. Also hipsters

I can keep going but I wonder why I started in the first place