I have a friend who says "you can take a man out of second grade, but you can't take second grade out of a man." He thinks this is great marriage advice for engaged women.

Anyway, like a second grader my thought process went "Butts --> Butt Music!!!"

So I decided to make dinner with as many flatulence-inducing ingredients as I have.

I decided milk was cheating. Maybe it does the job of some of you, but I have enough European ancestry to mainline lactose.

So I did a little searching and found some lists of gassy foods. Here is one list. And since the wife is traveling this week, I bravely started cooking.

1) Cook some beans. I have a pressure cooker which cuts the time down to ~20 minutes, but if you don't, just put them in a pot of water yesterday evening, and then remember to bring them to a simmer an hour ago. I used about half pinto beans and half black beans. Also cook some rice in chicken stock.

2) The most flatulent veggies in the fridge:

I've got a bunch of vegetables from the list, especially from the onion family.

Clockwise from top left: broccoli, celery, peppers, shallots, scallions, leeks, carrots.

3) Start with the tougher vegetables:

Carrots and leeks with a little butter with some minced ginger too. Use a big enough pan to move everything around. I don't have the heat high enough to be actually stir-frying even though it's in a wok. I didn't want to set off the fire alarm tonight. Once the carrots have started softening, throw in the broccoli.

4) Add the rest of the veggies:

I also added some mushrooms. Cook until everything is tender but still a little crunchy.

5) BEANS:

Since they're already cooked, just mix them in.

6) Serve over rice:

7) And pair with an IPA chosen solely based on label design.

For best results eat two bowls before every long road trip or flight. Not responsible for retaliatory damage.