We talk about open questions, but there are closed questions, too, questions to which there is only one right answer, at least as far as the interrogator is concerned. These are questions that push you into the herd or nip at you for diverging from it, questions that contain their own answers and whose aim is enforcement and punishment. One of my goals in life is to become truly rabbinical, to be able to answer closed questions with open questions, to have the internal authority to be a good gatekeeper when intruders approach, and to at least remember to ask, “Why are you asking that?” This, I’ve found, is always a good answer to an unfriendly question, and closed questions tend to be unfriendly. But on the day of my interrogation about having babies, I was taken by surprise (and severely jet-lagged), and so I was left to wonder — why do such bad questions so predictably get asked?


b_b:

Although I enjoyed reading this, I would offer a much simpler explanation as to why people ask this question: because it's obvious. People are generally not very insightful, yet when in a situation where questions are to be asked, there are always some people who feel the need to hear their own voice so that others recognize that they're in the room. It's something I see a lot, and is independent of the subject matter at hand. The place these people will start from hinges on how self serving they are. Mild narcissists will ask the obvious question. Hardened narcissists will ask a question that makes it obvious how smart they are, no matter how little bearing it has to the discussion at hand. Asking a childless woman why she lacks children isn't an indictment of society's views on women (although it could be; hence the interest in reading the subtext), but rather a feeble attempt at being heard.

The same exists in daily life. I've been married for a year now, and if I had a nickel for every time someone asked my wife and I when were having that first kid, I'd be rich (or at least I'd drink espresso all day long and forget about this cheap drip coffee bullshit that I'm currently drinking). It's enough to give my wife anxiety from time to time when she's around my family, as they can be quite aggressive in their inquiries. But they're not really being rude to their eyes. They're just making small talk.


posted 3121 days ago