I've been feeling weird lately. Movies meaning so much. A lot of emotions. I've been drinking 3 or 4 nights a week almost for years. I haven't held down a job almost ever. Just random jobs. I'm almost 29. I feel like a fuck up. I did good in college, but dropped out. I won a journalist award. First place column in my state in my division.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I don't want to go to the free clinic for medication. I'm almost certain I'm depressed. I think I've developed OCD from drinking and depression. I have a lot of ticks and stuff. Sometimes I feel like I can't think. Like every thought is bad. Or if I feel happy the universe will conspire to make me suffer. It's terrifying and crazy. I need help. I need to stop drinking. Maybe that would be enough to get me through.

I'm not happy with some choices I've made. I don't know if I'm still a good person. I want to be a good person. Just got too fucked up and treated myself and others without caring about what I did.


    if I feel happy the universe will conspire to make me suffer

I can relate to that feeling, sometimes it puts you on edge just waiting for it to all come crashing down... but the truth is: it's not going to happen, ever. This is a mental barrier that can be easy to overcome but once you do you'll want to climb back over as there's some sort of security in the idea -- if you don't do anything that makes you happy, nothing can happen. But please understand that those moments are fleeting, it is just a natural response to escape change and escape responsibility, but some souls feel it heavier than others. There's no magic one solution fits all, clinics and therapy can help some, alternative pursuits can help others, the one factor common to all though is determination. You are in control, you can break through the barrier, and you can continue on without climbing back.

Also alcohols a depressant, please do consider lowering your intake and eventually stopping; there's so much more to life and you're still young. Everyone can be a good person, some just never choose to, but it sounds like you want to be and that's an important factor. Try defining for yourself what a good person is, what does he do, what does he say? Then you can work on how to affect those changes within yourself.

posted by enjoyablethings: 1400 days ago