Every day near noon, a piece of the universe embedded into a single host of bones and veins and flesh

    struts 
through the space in which a handful of hosts inhabit. It’s as if the rest of the universe and its

    fundamental 
purposes are blurred—I’ve become nearsighted! Yet this piece, this beautiful woman, is as clear as a

    lamination 
sheet. I have yet to present myself, but this cubicle confines me. I’m just a cell in this colossal architectural structure of an atom made of stones and steel. Yet she sits freely outside, consuming nutritious

    substances. 
These constraints have bruised my wrists and ankles for too long now. It’s all you’ll ever have. No. It’s all I’ve ever had. I scattered my desk and untied my tie. I grabbed my coat and yelled, “This is not how I’ll die!” I made my way out and stumbled with shy, weak knees. “May I say you are just beautiful?”

    She 
paused for a moment. It was the longest pause I’ve ever endured with such suspenseful agony. “I’m

    married,” 
she said. “But you have no ring!” I exclaimed. She pulled a napkin and wiped the grease off her fingertips then reached for her pocket. “I didn’t want to get it dirty,” she said as she walked away. And that’s

    all 
I’ll ever get.

Imarreteet23:

Hey! No one else has commented on this, so I'd just like to say: this is pretty great! I think it's a pretty interesting choice that you made with this to only break lines when you wanted to emphasize a particular word. I like that. It's something that I haven't quite seen before.

I also like how you describe the woman as "a piece of the universe embedded in a single host." That's one of those phrases that I wish I had come up. I might have to steal it, if you don't mind. ;)

I think my one complaint about it would be that sometimes, in an attempt to describe something banal in a unique way, you kind of end up being a bit too wordy. A good example is when you describe food as "nutritious substances." It's just a bit too much, you know?

But please don't take the criticism too seriously. I really love this poem, on the whole. Thanks for sharing. :)


posted by grizzly: 1200 days ago