Far away in a dream, royalty is

postponed with a brisk lunar

walk alongside an apocalyptic scene.

Dark and endless would be the

pain of a billion suffering stars

which never were nursed. A universe

with a dull appetite for repetition

and fundamental order that is

interpreted as chaos by an insignificant

homeless planet that rushes to nowhere.

Every rain drop filled with the hopes

of a working station making decisions

for future generations.

Chilling is the thought of a family in peril.

Navigating around the orbit of sadness,

the dizzying effect takes hold of a

leaf in autumn. Working to feed an

overweight baby who doesn't know

how to play with his friends or his weapons.

Shout a thousand shouts that the

elephant may hear your cries of desperate

madness enchanting a forest that

never existed. Green, blue and white

are the colors of this dormant dream.

A wall covered in solitude and kindness

still stands in the midst of an age

dominated by illogical dragons who spit

controlled and united mailboxes. Flying

away to a paradise infused with insomnia

and pools of bear urine only takes three

cups of courage mixed patiently with seventy

tablespoons of dread. Countless violin strings

weeping for mountains that the eye can never

reach with its eyelashes. Visions of elegance were

never so clear and popular amongst the deadly

rice seeds who dance during the midnight

of their thoughts. Go and tell the children

of passion to quit ending their conquest

of young virgin oceans, to come back to a

population of realities who long for them

with childlike dreams of a past world.

_refugee_:

There's a lot of convoluted, purposefully-syntactically-flipped sentences in here. I think that your poem would have a lot more power if they weren't out of order like that. For example:

  
    Dark and endless would be the pain of a billion suffering stars which never were nursed.
to

  
    The pain of a billion suffering stars which never were nursed would be dark and endless.
    Chilling is the thought of a family in peril.

to

"The thought of a family in peril is chilling."

I just don't think that a sentence should be made out of order in order to make the sentence sound more "philosophical" or like it has somehow more weight.


posted 3406 days ago