So I posted a lot of things on Facebook and Twitter last night that have concerned a lot of people and I'm going to talk about some things here because I don't know if I could use advice or if I just need space to vent. Feel free to stop reading at any point.
This is how I've felt for the past two weeks. Losing my mind, slowly but surely. There have been multiple days where I've either had a mental breakdown and just given up, sat in bed and just stared at things, or been close. It's weird because I've felt like this before but it's manifesting itself differently this time. As in, there have been periods where I just been very jittery, very on edge, unable to hold my hands out still and jumping at everything. I've been thinking a lot about hurting myself, not necessarily of doing it but what it means to do perform that action. Been thinking about getting older, been thinking about graduating, been thinking about shutting myself out now as opposed to later.
But really I've been trying to figure out if I'm ever happy or if I have periods of good moods where I'm less sad than normal.
As a person I'm incredibly dry, sarcastic, and snarky. It's an ability that I've learned can make a room full of people laugh without being overbearing or an ass about it. But the reason is because I don't like to share things about myself and the less people know about me the less than can hurt me. I shared a benign opinion last night and was completely shot down by two people for it, which just reaffirmed why I do these things (confirmation bias?). If people don't know that I think I hate myself then maybe they won't hate me.
Hating myself? Yeah, probably. Ever since my pop died I've held myself to a high (really high) standard where I'll probably never be good enough for myself. It's a self-destructive behavior but I've got a lot better at some things over the years, and completely burnt out of others because of it...guess that's life. I don't know if that contributes to everything else, but maybe it does. I've just had all these realizations as of late, coupled with a crazy workload, and a desire to graduate so I can just move on with my life and not form all sorts of new connections with people that I'm going to promptly leave in May. It's driving me crazy.
Workload and senior design and organizations I'm involved with and applying to grad schools (oh yeah, I'm applying to grad schools for higher ed as a backup because...) and applying to full time jobs. I've realized if I'm going into engineering there's really only two things I'm interested in: wellness related products (biomedical/biotech related) and anything involving alcohol since I already homebrew and understand distillation processes. Everything else is moot to me and my mindset has changed from the following:
"I want to make the world a better place by creating better products and processes"
"I want to make the world a better place by helping people directly, one person at a time".
This is getting all over the place so here's the summation:
I think my personality is a defense mechanism for the fact that I think I've hated the person I am for years now, because of my standards.
I'm unsure if I've been depressed or if I've been happy anytime recently and I've been on the verge of nervous breakdowns multiple times this past week and have thought about hurting myself.
Graduating is stressing me out because I have two very different, mostly irreconcilable career paths in front of me.
i don't want to get close to people because I'm graduating and going wherever else after this year.
Some people who have reached out over the couple of social medias where I alluded to some of this have surprised me (thenewgreen being one of them), as have been my friends who gave me a massage last night and heard a lot of this out. I'm not one to normally talk about these things but maybe it will help.
P.S: Going to see Modern Baseball, and yeah I picked that song for a reason.
Edit: Oh and I've been thinking a lot about what little family I have left are all growing old and how many of them will be left in ten years and how there's a very real possibility I'll be mostly alone at that point. That's been terrifying me too.
I'm really sorry this is so scatter-brained. I've been having a lot of trouble with clarity lately.
Edit edit: I'm hoping to respond to all of you, it might take a couple days but I will be making the effort. Also hoping to read and contribute to tng's latest AskHubski post at some point. Just got back. Concert was rad. Eating yogurt now. Typing things.
First of all, I'm glad you shared this BE, you are among friends. Also, what you are going through sounds very familiar and is something that I think many of us go through, though I know that doesn't make it any easier on you.
You write a lot about not liking yourself. I've certainly gone through this and what I've found, after years of self reflection is that I tend to think negative things about myself. They are like memes that continuously surface in my internal dialog. Things like, your not smart enough, good enough, good looking enough etc. These types of "thoughts" occurred often and they still do to an extent. What I would like to suggest to you is this: Mindfulness.
Practice recognizing when these thoughts about "not liking yourself" occur. Then, when you can recognize that these thoughts are occurring "watch them." Realize that these "thoughts" are not YOU.
Watch your internal dialog and recognize that it does not define you. When you recognize those negative self thoughts cropping up, think of something safe, something positive. You are a smart, funny, creative person and all of those qualities are you. Think of that.
Also, I've not gotten better at these things on my own, I have had help over the years. I highly recommend to anyone that if they have the ability to seek out therapy, coaching, mentorship etc... do so. kleinbl00 recently recommended to someone on here to seek professional counseling stating that since they're in college they have better and more affordable access to such healthcare than they ever will after college. -Take advantage of this. DO IT.
I've had times in my life, recently, when I couldn't breathe and I felt like there wasn't enough air in the room etc. It's a horrible feeling. I sought out help and I'm so glad I did. Don't carry this weight alone. Feel free to PM if you ever need advice or someone to bounce thoughts ideas off of.
You're not alone.
Oh, also I should mention that your "age" was the most difficult for me in my life for a number of reasons. -I think it is for many young men (and perhaps women). It really does get better.
All my best!