I'm going to jump right in to this. My arm hurts. I am tired. Fuck movies.

X-men License Retaining Film #4 is the 4th X-men movie in a series that is produced by Fox in order to keep their hands on the X-men franchise. This is because despite being the second worst part of the Marvel universe after Fantastic Four, X-men still turns a profit because people like Wolverine.

In the film Wolverine played by Wolverine goes back in time because now Juno can send his consciousness back in time. Originally Patrick Stewart was supposed to go but he's old. All of your favorite X-men make an appearance except for the ones you care about. Gambit still isn't in the film and for some reason Cyclops comes back at the end even though he left to play Superman in Superman Returns, which was the only Superman movie worse than the Man of Steel.

I'm so fucking tired of X-men movies. I don't even really like the X-men except for Jubilee because Jubilee is my favorite X-men. Yes her powers are stupid, but I like that. I don't like serious brooding superheroes because the concept is inherently fucking stupid. Jubilee also has a power that I want, which is the ability to annoy people who like the X-men.

Here's my review, and I'll talk more after but if you only give a shit about seeing the movie here it is. X-men Days of Future Past is the best X-men movie outside of the first one from fucking 2000. It is also still an X-men movie and if you hated the rest of them or were bored by the rest of them nothing has changed. It is tonally the same as every other X-men movie that has ever been made. You will miss nothing by not seeing it and you will gain nothing by seeing it. If you like the X-men it's fine, if you don't give a shit then it's fine.

I mean at this point what are you expecting? I mean really. It's the X-men series by FOX, a company that has been butchering superhero movies for over a decade now. They still don't do the proper costumes, they don't really follow story arcs, they don't try to stay accurate to the characters. Magneto still isn't fucking jewish. The writing is still terrible. The acting is still fine, well okay, the acting from the people who can act was fine, but the acting was sort of miserable here. I dunno. That might just be poor direction.

I actually enjoyed myself while watching it, but it's another one of those movies. You know the exact type. You have fun, and then you leave and think about it for 5 fucking minutes and it all just falls apart.

Let's start by talking about Peter Dinklage. He is the best part of this movie by far. They never make any short jokes. He is just a character. You actually forget while watching that he is Peter Dinklage. He is also in like a dozen scenes tops, and usually not for very long. Every scene he is in and a part of, he's great in. He's a great actor and deserved a better role than what he got.

Alright let's talk about the plot. Peter Dinklage invents robots that hunt mutants called Sentinels. These robots hunt mutants but eventually hunt anyone who could ever possibly give birth to a mutant ever. This leads to the destruction of mankind, or something. Juno sends Wolverine's conscious back in time so that he can convince young Xavier and Magneto to stop this shit from happening by not letting Mystique kill Peter Dinklage.

They eventually stop it. There's not really any twists or turns that you don't see coming. Magneto is still an asshole and Xavier has to learn to get over the fact that he's basically a god walking amongst mere mortals. Wolverine is there and actually basically doesn't do anything.

I can actually summarize every single problem with this film in a single scene.

You remember in X-men First class when they approach Hugh Jackman in the bar and are like "hey come help us?" and he tells them to fuck off? And it was sort of funny because you knew he was doing something else at the time and couldn't be in the movie, but they had to touch on it because he's Wolverine.

Okay, so there's a part of the film where Wolverine is trying to get Xavier to help him. And Xavier references that scene. He references the Wolverine cameo in the other movie.

You just don't do that. Little joke camoes that are clearly there to be tongue and cheek do not get treated as canon. Okay? You just don't, not when you're making this movie. You especially do not have it influence the plot even a tiny little bit.

That whole scene is just the worst garbage and it sort of sums up the attitude of this movie. It's not self-serious enough to be amusing and it's not funny enough to be enjoyable. It's a movie, it totally functions. Scenes have tensions and characters have motivations and arcs, but hey, guess what! That is the bare minimum of a fucking film. That is a functioning film to have that. Images play in a sequence and the way they fit together mostly makes sense.

All of these fucking wastes of potential plots are frustrating even to a person who is only passingly interested in the X-men. Days of Future Past is a cool story! There's a reason they went with it, but the spark just isn't there. Nobody seems like they're having any fun, they seem like they're doing a job. Even Peter Dinklage. The actors aren't doing a bad job at all, I'm not saying that, but they don't seem to be having a great deal of fun with it, and maybe it's because nothing about the movie seemed very fun.

Let's just level here for a second. I doubt a Fox producer will ever read this, but maybe. Maybe.

The reason we all love the Disney Marvel and abhor the other production companies isn't big name actors. It's not production value, it's not primary colors, it's not even the characters. Iron Man is actually my least favorite of the main heroes. I like Jubilee more than Iron Man, just think about that. It's a very simple reason.

Disney understands that the movie needs an appropriate level of farce and that the farce has to be something that is believable within the universe. Captain America stealing his old outfit from the museum? It's funny. It's dumb. But I believed it. Iron Man wants schwarma? Okay sure. It fits. Bruce Banner just sitting down and having a therapy session with Tony Stark? Sure! Sure, that's dumb. That's dumb and fun.

Stop making your movies not fun. Don't redesign the costumes, don't try and make a grand spectacle. Pick a single fucking character and develop them over the course of one movie, because clearly that is lacking. You know what? Make a Jubilee movie.

And bring back the fucking yellow costumes.