hmmm maybe? I feel like I'm getting there in terms of desperation. It might also be worth noting I have a feeding tube, so some harder heavy lifting jobs are just impossible for me. I would ideally love a receptionist type office job, despite my extensive experience with web marketing...
I'm glad you like it. She has another one that just makes me melt. Unfortunately, no one will ever get to hear it because it's tied up in contracts with producers and A&Rs who will not agree to release it :(.
If inquiring minds want to know - I can tell you how her and I became very, very, very, very, very good friends! ;-). Just let me know. I'll probably tell the story anyway when I have more time :-P.
As for the Lymphoma, the MRI didn't show anything of the sort. So yay no cancer. However my liver is enlarged and that might be the source of some of my discomfort. I need to follow up with a liver specialist but, I can't seem to get into the preferred one till Mid-December. So, I'm trying to find someone else who has comparable skills. & As for my writing, Thank You so much, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, I've only worked as a ghost writer so I do not have anything published that is worth sharing. I am however, working on a chronic pain blog. I haven't bought the domain name yet, I've just been slowly working on the content piece of it.
I always knew I'd get another dog. However, I wasn't going to do it right away and I didn't. Not until 5years later when I fell in love with the pile of fluff I have now.
To be honest, getting your degree is a really good idea. It's OKAY to not know what you want to study. I changed my major from Liberal Arts to Art History before finally settling on Geography of all things. For me Geography was perfect - I took the Human/Cultural Route with it versus the technical mapping. It was an arts degree that brought together anthropology, sociology and a bit of psychology as well as a touch of history all into one place. So I got to take a lot of cool classes that would do things like talk about Edward Snowden or China's Censorship or Nature and Human Kind and so forth. Stuff that I aas already reading about and engaged in online. The funny bit? I got into it by accident. After really disliking my Art History major, because it sucked the fun out of art for me; I didn't want to take extra course load just to graduate. I found out that Geography fit my credits perfectly and decided instead of taking a particular winter term off, that I would go ahead and take the basic core requirements and then maybe swap my major or just stick out the Art History. Turns out, I really enjoyed the basic core requirement courses and actually graduated with a degree I appreciated. One piece of advice my dad gives me all the time that I have trouble to this day following, but still think is excellent advice is that: Also, you've had it rough! Dealing with so much from depression to partying to drugs to your teeth issues is not easy and that needs to be acknowledged. I had it really rough through school too. My brother died Fall of what was supposed to be my final year at school. From there I dealt with a myriad of mental health issues surrounding his death and then I fell really ill with an unusual disorder that causes me to be on a feeding tube to this day. I ended up being at school 3 extra years making me a 7th year senior. To be honest, it wasn't so bad. I was able to make lasting friendships from the start of my college career to the end of it. That has put me in touch with a few cool people who are alumni now, as well as current students & even a few freshmen even though, I've been an alumni for about 2.5years now. Everything I went through gave me a good perspective too. Suddenly grades weren't so important, and I took the pressure off myself. If I had to withdraw and get penalized - I just would. If I needed a lighter load one term, I'd do take a lighter load. If I needed a term off - I'd take it. I stopped stressing about grades and although I'm pissed that my GPA is just shy of a solid 3.0 it was very freeing to not over worry about my grades. I ended up failing a class even! The one on Edward Snowden of all things! Even that in its irritatingly special way was a good lesson in priorities. I don't tell you all of this to just talk about me, there is a point here. I work best by example - so maybe you can pull something from my personal story that relates or connects to you and helps you get through this time in your life! :-). Edit/PS: These types of real life issues are my favorite kind of Hubski posts! They're engaging and spark some cool personal discussion in my opinion. Makes everyone so much more human/normal.When you're facing a problem that seems difficult or unmanageable and have an insistent need to fix it that very second, don't. Sit back, accept that you have a problem and sit with it. Let some time pass before you do anything or make any major decisions because in 3 days or less you will have more information and things change/look differently.
Or Google Docs, which is amazing too!
This is awesome. I got some Sinatra for my phone. Typically, I prefer using Amazon's prime music selection because there is just so much with my subscription, but getting that to work properly on my phone can be so freaking difficult! EDIT: I'm also guilty of getting Britney Spears and Destiny's Child because I am THAT person.
Woooooooo!
Seriously, I think because they present themselves as a tech giant they might get a lot of private investing but, they are almost no better than a crazy taxi cab company gone wild!
I 100% agree that the model needs to be fixed and simply saying that it is a lot better than the taxi cab monopolization/industry is not enough. They need to behave like a real company and have real benefits and treat their drivers right vs. working them so hard with unrealistic expectations. With that said, I do love the Uber service. I personally do not drive for some personal reasons and it has literally saved me from having to use the bus system which, in the cities I live and am in-between that is a huge lifesaver!
francopoli exactly, this. I don't disagree with you at all. It all needs to just die in a fire. I like that phrase. I should use it more. Perhaps on another site that shall not be named, because those users do not contribute useful content. / end total rant of everything wrong in the world.
Ya. I feel ya. I got virtually the same response when I submitted posts I had made about my own serious medical condition. I submitted what I thought was the real me but, could not agree with some of the points made... I think you are very right - differents states of mind and different writing pieces like from my blog vs. forum posting will lead to very different results!
I emailed him a list of truths. At least 20 different important things about me and any secrets I may have carried throughout my life. Most of it he already knew but I went through everything in my life and tried to think of EVERYTHING important and share it with him and told him if there was something that comes up that I didn't mention its because I sincerely forgot about it. I think it was an action step in the right direction. Ya, that was my problem with the drugs. He's willing to work on things and we have a plan to give each other space and detox me off. We leave for Cali so I can be under my parents care on Monday and he flies home Monday night leaving me there. The good news is I'm already down on the drugs. Only taking my prescribed dose yesterday and surviving. Today I plan to take none with the option of taking just one if the pain so warrants it. OR maybe even a half if I can. I'm going to have to go a few days without to make my script last but, I dug my own grave on that one. So, the process has been at least started before I even got to Cali which is good. Anyway, again thank you for all your time on this and thoughts, you've been nothing but encouraging whereas I had to delete posts on Reddit because people were like, "lying dirty whore" and that served to help no one. I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.This idea is a good one. Try to remember that whether or not dishonesty is intentional, it hurts just the same. And I think you mentioned another time recently you were a little dishonest, this makes it harder the second time to believe what you say in the heat of the moment. Usually, from my experience, the guy will come around when he calms down.
You're with you, in your head 24/7. If you don't tell people things the first time they come up for you, you have to find a perfect future moment to bring up the fact that somehow the thing you've been hiding fits into...which is kind of terrible, but is also kind of an art.
I am loving all the awesomesauce music! Lika Morgan - Sweet Dreams:
I really like this quote in the article. I personally want to make a YouTube Docuseries that looks at what I'm dealing with medically. Raising awareness for Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction and Chronic Pancreatitis is something I would love to do. More than that the article also states: I think this is so important. Being able to relate to my audience about my illness and help them to feel my pain, laughter, suffering and joy is going to be super important to having success. So much truth here. I just want to share. I don't care if it makes money or gives me fame and recognition. I just want support and to share what I'm going through. I needed this article so much right now. Thank you for the awesome share!The only way you’ll be able to consistently work, when you don’t want to work, consistently try when you don’t want to try, is by deeply and honestly caring about your work.
Make Things For Real People
Don’t Do Anything To Be Someone
So, today I got a hold of my psychiatrist. He works Saturdays which is a fantastic thing. Can't tell you how many times I've needed him on a Saturday. Anyway, his suggestion was to just deal with being out early and not mention that part to my pain doctor next visit because, I cannot afford to lose my script. So in the meantime I am tapering/detoxing off of my pain pills which is going to SUCK because withdrawals and pain are like my worst nightmare. It's just necessary to get back to a comfortable dosage and not loose my long term script. I do have some medications like ativan and lyrica that I can use to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms for a few days which is good/helpful/encouraging. More than that my boyfriend is willing to look things over and reevaluate everything if I go and withdraw/detox at my parents place in Cali. So we are scheduled to leave on Monday for Cali. I just really want this relationship to work. He does care about me and I do care about him but, this shit I've put him through isn't right and I know that. Being at my parents house I was worried they wouldn't let me manage my own medication and just do it. Looks like we've come to an agreement that as long as I'm not using the oxycodone - I can mix and match things within my psychiatrists recommendations without going through them to get the medications. I think this will be empowering for me because, I'll be able to fix this issue somewhat on my own accord with help from my family. Dunno. Dunno. Dunno. I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
Like I told randomuser ... So that's good, as far as the medication goes, I know quite a bit about them because, I've had to deal with so many medications for so long. My psychiatrist has signed off on my ability to use the right medication during the right times to mitigate symptoms. He also believes that I should keep this quiet from my pain doctor - well let, him know I struggled after surgery but was able to work it out / manage it but, not to go overboard with unnecessary details because, I can't have him kicking me out of the program. I truly need a basic script and have a need for it. So yah.I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.
rd95 thank you for adding some sense into my life right now during a time where NOTHING seems fair or sensible. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I completely see what you mean. It being a dangerous fantasy. I don't know why I even engaged in it. Fear, I guess. I kept attempting to come up with the right way to tell my guy about it and just felt scared every time. Fact of the matter is I've never purchased drugs and had a plan to call my doctor on Monday morning to explain where I was at after they pumped me full of Dilaudid at the hospital and discharged me without weening me down. I'm on about 25mgs - 30mgs/day of the oxycodone when I should only be at 10mg/day. I'm running out fast and I am scared of getting kicked out of pain management for abusing my script. Hence why I was looking elsewhere for a bad insurance policy. My guy doesn't believe that I was never going to do it, that when X day came I was going to say "nope can't today" - it's just kinda what I do/always have done. It's a weird coping mechanism but it is what it is. It's flawed. I'm flawed and that's okay. I just wish he could see that. I also ride out the pain quite a bit I probably could use a lot more pain medication but I choose to keep the dosage as low as possible - it is just these past two weeks that I've been struggling because things got all messed up. I plan to contact my doctor Monday and will be speaking with my psychiatrist at 3pm today since he works Saturdays. A childhood friend who I've known since our 11th birthday (born the same day as me) took time out her Saturday, which she normally doesn't do to message my boyfriend and basically explain X, Y & Z and encouraged him to give this another shot. I owe her one for digging me out of this hole. I've got to stop getting into holes though she's been bailing me out of a variety of messes from middle school onwards.
I don't know if that is a compliment or not. Haha. This isn't wrong but it isn't right either... Spot on! This bit I actually like. Speaking the truth here! What a cool little tool. I'm gonna bookmark it and visit it every so often with new commentary I have made - It'd be interesting to see how I evolve over time or if it comes up with the same opinion.You are a bit compulsive, somewhat indirect and skeptical.
You are self-conscious: you are sensitive about what others might be thinking about you. You are melancholy: you think quite often about the things you are unhappy about. And you are intermittent: you have a hard time sticking with difficult tasks for a long period of time.
Your choices are driven by a desire for well-being.
You are relatively unconcerned with both tradition and taking pleasure in life. You care more about making your own path than following what others have done. And you prefer activities with a purpose greater than just personal enjoyment.
Right! I feel like I just proved that point in that statement alone...One might say you are skeptical of the notion :)
Ah! I see! Thanks so much for looking out. I've been struggling with my own pain management issues especially since I was just in the hospital when my feeding tube became disloged this past week. They had me on a much higher dose of pain medication and now I have to readjust to my at home dosage - it's going okay-ish. Unfortunately, I know all too well. An overdose of heroin killed my 20year old brother almost 6 years ago. I'd trade anything to still have him in my life. Maybe, it is a reason why I'm so protective/feel so strongly about helping these friends of mine - because of my own personal experience. Anyway, ya - I'll probably take your advice to try and stay out of drama as much as possible, but I'll probably still lend a hand here and there where I can. Of course, there are clear boundaries because, I have my own set of issues and also am nowhere near them in person which, helps a lot.I was just scared for you, because you said last week you were afraid of losing control with your pain meds
An overdose can kill a strapping teenager, withdrawal can kill someone sick.
I really like this idea. It makes you sound less like a know it all and more like a person with something interesting to say - I may have to do that for certain things I talk about, especially when it comes to hot button topic and opinions.Permaculture. I talk about it so much, that I don't allow myself to use the word anymore. If I want to say something about it, I make myself describe a new practical example, to whomever I am talking to.
Ugh. I know the feeling. I used to really judge myself based on how well I did in school. My self-worth was defined directly by whether or not I got a B+ or better in each of my classes. Anything lower and I'd feel really terrible/discouraged. It was great in the sense that it motivated me to work hard through school but, after a certain point when I developed a medical condition I couldn't keep my grades up. It was a true learning experience to just "let a C go..." and after I was able to do that I even failed a class and more than that I learned how to be happy with putting my best foot forward vs. how the teacher or professor valued my work. It was really freeing to not be tied to grades like that and alleviated a lot of my depression issues when I stopped worrying so freaking much.
Especially with services like Lyft, Uber & Sidecar in many major cities - it is pretty much unacceptable to me to drive drunk, there's no excuse for it. A lot of people bitch about ridesharing price surges during high volume holidays like New Years & 4th of July, but honestly speaking for me it's way worth it to pay that ride bill to get home safely than potentially injure or even kill someone.
The Veronicas - Cruel
and Angelika Vee - Turn The Lights Up
I never said you abandoned anyone - just that you were suggesting I not talk to these people till they are better and I just made the off-comment that I don't understand the idea of doing that... like even here you're telling me they're not capable of parenting and to run fast? They live clear across the country so it's not like I'm in their presence at all right now. I'm confused, why would I run vs. help? I mean there's definitely boundaries on the relationship because of these issues and right now their son is with her mother so, I'm not too worried about him. I never doubted you knowing what you were talking about, was just clarifying things. :-) Thanks, I'll pass the messages along - it looks like Crystal might've found a place to take her - which is really good considering how horribly she needs the help and how desperately she needs to be well for her son.
I feel you. When I was finishing up my high school schooling there was one teacher who actually made an impact on me. We never really communicated until she learned that I was doing exceptionally well at community college and on my way to UCLA. At which point she started to invite me back to the high school to speak to the students about paths they can take and how being in remedial classes doesn't prevent you from doing well post-high school (I was in the learning disabled group/classes partly due to crippling anxiety/depression, part I didn't give a fuck and part misdiagnosis) So, being able to relate to others who might be in my situation and/or similar and to encourage them to do better for themselves post-high school was super empowering. I felt so sad when she retired and those speaking occasions were no longer held. Sucked majorly.
Hahahaha that is awesome. I freaking love The Veronicas so yea :-P.
Nope, they're not looking for spa treatment at all. She's already put a lot of work towards it and I think it is very big of her to admit she requires help. It looks like Crystal the mother will be working on heading to rehab prior to her husband since she has better access. The child will stay with her parents most likely and hopefully her husband can get the help he needs too. I never understood abandoning people when they are in need and wanting to recover... like, whats the point in that?Are they only willing to get sober for their baby, if they can do so in a spa?
You could do all these things today, and cut off contact with these people, until they are better. You have your own health to worry about.