the year has begun wonderfully

now going by new name and pronouns openly (with the only people not knowing are the ones it hasn't come up yet around them with): parents also like the new name (my mum and i teared up together talking about it) and trying their darndest to use em - it's amazing how much weight is off my back already

3 days into the new semester and I'm feeling good about academics so far, things are more interesting so far at least so we'll see how it goes

i went on a bountiful shopping trip and finally found some comfy tank tops among other purdy things

gonna start hitting the gym again this weekend / upon getting a feel for how the flow of each week will go / when the january crowd eases slightly

also gonna make a bunch of phone calls for haircut / piercing / therapy appointments to get the ball rolling on all of that

updates pending

baseball is the most zen of sports - not "Zen" in caps, but zen all lowercase

you go to a baseball game because you want to sit outside for a couple hours and enjoy the weather / think about nothing in particular, and sometimes something mildly interesting happens and you get to participate in the group happiness of a stadium full of people entertained by a home run or a clever bunt or something

baseball is the game you take your kids and your grandkids to to eat some popcorn or peanuts or a hot dog or something, and get ice cream after the game

you can enjoy baseball on any level of understanding of it from "jack shit" to "nate silver", and that's okay, because actually going out to see a baseball game is not really about the game

that's why there are 10 thousand games per season and they play through the summer is because baseball is about slowing way down and enjoying little things in the moment you experience them

the "exciting" part of baseball is in the playoffs so if that's your goal just wait until then

there's an unaffiliated minor league about a half hour away from here with 4 teams and one stadium - they have a little plaza with food vendors and a playground, and there's a grass hill in the outfield that you can sit on and watch from, and they have little gimmicks to get people there like fireworks and a dog that gets the bats, and there's beauty in that experience that's really important

there's baseball happening in the middle there but the important part is everything on the edges

I think this game is an interesting response to the original manifesto as well

http://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/rat-park/

Every time I see a solution like this, I just think about how little we learned from rat park.

So did you change their mind?

Did they change yours?

Did you learn anything?

Did they?

Did you come up with a solution?

Did they convince you their way forward was better?

Or did you all just sit around, rending your shirts, politicizing the fuck out of the scantest information to prop your opinions up with someone else's blood?

I'm a fuckin' idiot. I grew up drinking lead. I shoulda been dead of nuclear war by 1986, AIDS by 1989, the greenhouse effect by 2000 and fuckin' Monsanto or some shit by 2012 but I'm still here, you're still here, we're all still here and evil walks the earth, forever and ever amen.

We got people here "remembering" fuckin' Roseburg. I got mayonnaise older than that shooting. Know what I remember? San Ysidro. Crazy fuckers have long been walking into restaurants and killing people.

We got people here insisting it was a hate crime and therefore somehow worse. Right. Because every gathering of small children is an act of bravery since Sandy Hook, right? Every act of sleeping in a sorority an act of bravery since Santa Barbara (or hey - how 'bout since fuckin' Richard Speck?) And every summer camp an act of bravery since Breivik.

And of course, it's "radical islam." Hey, know what? If the FBI investigates you twice and doesn't pull the trigger, that means you're a citizen. "Oh, by the way, up with ISIS! allahu akbar! TTYL!" So which personal liberties shall we give up this time so you can feel more safe at night? Who shall we profile?

Clearly, it's those evil assault rifles. Except Dunblane was handguns. Osaka was a kitchen knife. Oklahoma City was fertilizer and diesel. I'm sure the NRA is to blame for this if we only triangulate our self-righteousness properly.

LOOK AT ME I HAVE A POINT AND NOW IT'S GOT BLOOD ON IT. LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME!

This is a country where you are innocent until proven guilty. That lets a lot of evil through. Always has, always will. What do these post-mortems always look like? "Oh, we missed the signs." "Oh, fingers pointed at agency X for dropping the ball." "Oh, those evil muslims." "Oh, those evil politicians." "Oh, my guy is better than your guy." "Oh, my path is of righteousness and thou art on the road to hell." MILLIONS of muslims woke up yesterday morning and didn't drive to a gay bar to shoot it up. MILLIONS of gun owners did not plot to overthrow America. Go for a walk in your neighborhood. You will find no one that is any closer to killing you all today than they were yesterday.

Should guns be harder to get? In my opinion, hell yeah. Would it have made a difference here? Hell no. How long were Harris and Klebold scheming to shoot up Columbine? Well, they'd been in and out of juvie for six months. They made a video - for school - in which they pantomimed killing their classmates. Give a vaguely resourceful psycho a six-month head start and he doesn't need guns.

In this modern world, with these modern liberties, we are dependent on the social compact to preserve our fundamental freedom. I like social compacts that are peer-oriented. I dislike top-down autocracies. Has the TSA made you safer? How 'bout PRISM?

Someone out there doesn't like your face. They don't like your lifestyle, your god, your diet, your shoes. If they're a vaguely normal human, they keep it to themselves. If they're mildly unhinged, they take to the internet. If they are bleeding asymptote crazy they might just saddle up and go practice suicide by cop. This? This is no bueno.

But you know what?

I'm sorry that the crazies scare you. I Grew up with this shit and you people scare me more. You live in a country that loves Tarantino, loves Deadpool, loves Dirty Harry and fucking adores guns and evil will pluck that like grapes from a vine. So keep celebrating Scorsese out of one side of your mouth and decrying Travis Bickle out of the other - that's the dichotomy of America and fuckin' A, I'm used to it. You're used to it. Culturally, this is the choice we've made.

But quit pretending that shit would be different if only your politics dominated. You may be right, you may be wrong, you may be wise you may be crazy but dipping your arguments in someone else's blood doesn't make you right, it makes you ghoulish.

Two p.m. Vivian Jackson’s class, Room 207.

What Calvin can’t see: He can’t see the small, pretty girl sitting opposite him, the one who is wearing little rows of red, yellow and blue barrettes shaped like airplanes in her braided hair. He can’t see the line of small, green plants growing in yellow pots all along the sunny window sill. And he can’t see Mrs. Jackson in her rose-pink suit and pink enameled earrings shaped like little swans.

(“Were they really shaped like little swans?” he will ask later.)

But Calvin can feel the warm spring breeze—invisible to everyone’s eyes, not just his—blowing through the window and he can hear the tapping of a young oak tree’s branches against the window. He can hear Mrs. Jackson’s pleasant, musical voice and, later, if you ask him what she looks like, he will say, “She’s nice.”

A Boy of Unusual Vision -- indeed.

I think this fella's fondness for religious music is a bit shallow. Religious music is beautiful because it speaks of an all encompassing love, solace, and forgiveness from a power so much more potent than the powers of man that it has to leave one grasping to touch it's hem.

I don't have a single shred of faith but would that I did. What comfort it would be to have a vessel to put all my shame, fear and doubt into. I'm jealous of those who have found such solace.

I could put up more and better but I'm pretty tired and can't seem to get neurons to fire.

A perfect solution for the average human.

I agree, 100%. Without the cynicism.

So here's the deal. Whether you want to admit it or not, we are all in our own ways painfully average. In comparison to the whole, we're all in the middle of the pack. The things that make us as individuals unique and successful, be they intelligence, athleticism, skill sets, or character, are meaningless when we stop focusing on individuals.

Everyone always wants to point out places like Facebook and say "Look at it. It's full of idiots." Shit, if we're being honest, I've done it from time to time and though I try not to, I'll probably do it again down the future. But, well, yeah. Duh. If intelligence is the metric you want to focus on, the majority of Facebook is going to fall short. Know what? Facebook is full of unathletic chumps too. It's full of morally questionable people. It's full of people who don't have one iota of musical talent. It's full of people who don't know the first thing about fixing a computer or wrenching on a car. But that's because you're looking at Facebook as a whole. Stop. Look at each, individual person on there, and look at them seriously, and you'll see that Facebook, like Hubski, like Reddit, like 4Chan, like your local bar, like any place that people decide to congregate, is full of amazing, fascinating, wonderful people. You might not like certain groups of people as a collective whole, but if you take them away from that group, view them in the lense of an individual, you'll see that maybe they're not so bad.

So let's look at Facebook, let's look at this "solidarity" shit that they pull. It's so easy to point at them, to criticise them, and say "Ha. They're showing solidarity by clicking a button. It does nothing." However, you're wrong.

For one, it does show solidarity. It shows that we understand that horrible things happen in the world and that we as a collective whole are saddened by it and don't condone it one bit. Look at all those countries with their citizens waving tiny little American flags after 9/11. It was the world saying "America, we don't always love your government but we love your people." It's a small gesture individually, but when enough people do it as a collective whole, it becomes something big and has the potential for good. Think of charity. Your individual dollars are near useless (unless you're a big giver like Bill Gates). However, the collective dollars of a whole community suddenly has the power to bring about results.

Two, it brings awareness to issues and creates dialog. Awareness and dialog are two big keys towards education. Education is one of the most important keys to bringing about change. If you're looking at seeing the whole world overnight change on a single issue, you're going to be sadly disappointed. However, every time people rally around something, enough individuals change to start having a ripple effect. Look at the polls focusing on gay marriage between the early 2000s and now. People change as individuals and that individual change can eventually change the world.

Three, it allows people who in situations like these would normally feel powerless and helpless to at least feel something. Let's face it. What have any single one of us on Hubski done to help out in Paris? Nothing. The events still affect us though. They cause us to feel worry, sadness, shame. The people on Facebook aren't any different. They're feeling the same thing. Clicking that button though, for them, let's them feel they're doing something, however small. You wanna say it's meaningless? I say it makes them feel a little bit better and all of that collective betterness, as a whole, has meaning and purpose.

We're focusing on the wrong thing. Stop focusing on what Facebook does poorly and instead focus on what it can do well. Facebook is full of average people. If we want to look at it in hopes of finding shining examples of exceptionalism, we're going to have a bad time. However, as a platform of the masses, if steered in the right direction by chance, it could easily have a large impact. Hubski on the other hand has a different set of flaws. It's full of great, intelligent people. It's very small though. Think a crazy donation drive to combat global hunger would get very far from Hubski's support? No. Of course not.

We need to stop focusing on what makes groups shitty in an effort to make ourselves feel superior. These people are our neighbors and they need our love and encouragement. We should stop saying "They did something good because they're selfish." We're all selfish. We're animals. It's part of how we get by in the world. The thing is though good deeds, large or small, even if done for selfish reasons, are still good deeds and they can bring about good things. Finally, we should stop saying that something is useless because it has no discernible, immediate effect, whether it's prayer, a solidarity button, or what have you. The fact is, those acts come from a good place in the human heart and promoting that kind of behavior promotes thoughts that encourage us to be better people.

Let's face it. We're all shitty people. Anything we can do, to be slightly less shitty, shouldn't be shat upon.

He's not attacking you, it's all good.

I actually appreciate you teasing out specifics from him, he can be vague sometimes. And yeah, it's really dense stuff. Evolutionary anthropologists will do that to you.

Cheer up, you're one of us! :)

easy don't be friends with him

damn galen give me something difficult

When you are a better person and the world is a better place when you are together. When the way you feel, your confidence, your happiness, your everything is just a bit more shiny. When bad things aren't so bad and when stressful situations aren't so stressful. When it's you two vs the world. When not being together makes experiences more dull - not because you are dependent on one another but because you want to share the emotions from every experience. When you want the other person to be happy, feel amazing, experience amazing things, learn and grow and all that good stuff and their happiness, growth, experiences are as important to you as your own happiness. When it makes you happy to see them happy. When your wellbeing and their wellbeing are closely intertwined and you would do just about anything to make them well. When sacrifices aren't sacrifices when it's for them. When really bad movies don't annoy you because just holding or touching or being with the other person makes up for the horrid movie. When you catch yourself smiling uncontrollably remembering something for yesterday or last week. When you can just look at each other and be like "yup this is cool. This is all I need." when the urge to get shitfaced or smoke or whatever no longer seem as fun because it's more fun to remember the entire night and enjoy each other. When going to sleep is something you look forward to because it means you're going to be with them and no one else and nothing else and no one else can touch that. When you can look at each other and you don't have to say anything, you just know. When you stop trying so darn hard. When you don't wonder what else is out there or who else is out there or mind that this is going to be the only person you'll fuck forever and that actually sounds okay.

I don't know. There are so many little things. The big one is like... You just are good. You just are happy and content and alive. And you don't wonder if it's love or if it's forever or what they think of you. It's that moment when everything is just in place and right and there's no hesitation or questioning or doubts or insecurities. It's like the sky is blue and your boss is a shithead and you're in love. It's simple. It's so simple.

I'm. Like. A. Fucking. Hallmark. Fucking. Card. Shoot. Me. Now. :D

Presenting: 8bit's Gauntlet of Craziness: If Only HIs Life Were This Interesting Even 1/4 of the Time!

That time I ALMOST MET ROBIN WILLIAMS, FUCK.

This is a short one. He was in Boulder for a show. I was at work when I got a call from my sister, who was with my family shopping at Pearl Street.

"Robin Williams was in the store just now!"

"Woah, what!? Did you get a picture with him and stuff?"

"...No...we didn't realize he was there the whole time we were at the store until he was already gone."

"..."

---

That time I found myself at the top floor of a skyscraper-party with a bunch of Saudi Royalty.

I used to go to the American International School of Riyadh.

"Woah 8bit, that sounds so interesting and different, I bet it was cool!"

Fucking. NO.

AISR was an absolute hell and Riyadh did nothing to help. It was ridiculously hot, I wasn't allowed to wear shorts, movie theaters are banned, women aren't allowed to drive. Beyond that, private schools and I don't mix. Literally the only positive note is that I literally melted all my baby fat at the school gym there.

SPEAKING OF.

The kids that went there were all ridiculously rich in comparison to my scholarship butt. Many of them were royalty, nephews and nieces and cousins of the King of Saudi. The rest were all children of CEOs, etc. These fuckers would fly to India on weekends and I wish I was making that shit up. A lot (most) of them were there for bragging rights that the parents could have at dinner parties. The teachers there were looking for a paycheck and not much else, and that reflected in their teaching style.

So anyways, I was invited by said royalty to a party at the top floor of a mall there. They found my quiet sarcasm cute, I think. They also didn't know I knew Arabic, which I used to my advantage to hear what they really thought of me. I'm like "sure why not, more interesting than literally anything else in this country."

Hit up the party. It had two bouncers at the front door.

What. The. Fu-

There is no crazy like real, repressed crazy. I know I talked about a party I went to here, but in all honestly, the one in Saudi trumps it in debauchery. I didn't count it because I was barely there before I left. In three words: Alcohol. Fountains. Everywhere.

I left the school a little afterwards. That shit was cray, to sum it up.

---

That time I survived Digital Arts (might have told this one) and played tag in our high school at 12 AM.

There were six of us in Digital Arts. It was a cluster of stupidity. Our teacher was ridiculous. He didn't teach us a single thing. I self taught myself through two years of that class. We still talk about him to this day. We had an exam for DA that requires us to hold an exhibit for an examiner that flies in from Switzerland to check out our work. It was April-ish, and we all thought the exam would be three weeks after Spring Break. Which is what our teacher told us. "Take a break guys, you've been working hard!" No sweat, I can dig that. So I go to Disneyland and chill and it's awesome.

Come back from Spring Break. Teacher walks into the classroom.

"So, remember when I said the exam was three weeks from now? It's actually next week."

Fucking. WHAAAAAAAA-

So we have one week to make up three to four projects. Render said projects. Print them out, fix mistakes, then PRINT THEM AGAIN.

Well there was only one thing to it. A 48 hour marathon between the six of us at our highschool to churn this shit out.

I...honestly don't remember much from those 48 hours. I showered in our school gym's lockerroom and my mom brought everyone Chipotle, which is cool. There was a lot of giggling. Our teacher left us there at the 10 PM mark of the first day because, and I quote, "I have a wife and kids to go home to!", so we raided his candy drawer for the Freshmen and Sophomores. When we took breaks we watched Gurren Lagann and played tag in the school. It was hella dark, the emergency lights were the only things on, and a couple of sections were locked off. I distinctly remember running into a locker.

Good fun. We're all very close friends now. And we all passed! Wooh.

---

That time I got into a fight.

Alright, THIS little bitch in my highschool apparently thought I was trying to flirt with the girl he was dating. I'm not even going to try and explain that one. If you've read things I've written on this site, you will know that this will never happen in a million years. Cornered me on a staircase when the security guard wasn't looking, threatening me and trying to get me to fight him. I guess I should amend an 'almost' to that sentence, though. Because like shit I was gonna fight anybody over a girl I barely know, I've got better shit to do. Weirdo. Yeah, no. Anyways he backed off for whatever reason. The kid that was with me at the time told me I looked really bored, which I guess I was, and that probably threw him off. And that same kid decided to report it and the prick got a week's suspension. No effort, all reward. Cool.

---

Bonus Story! 8bit, do you even people?

The hot girl from my 11th Grade Philosophy Class: "Hey 8bit, I need some help with my homework, do you mind coming over?"

Ugh Jesus, do I have to? Fiiiine.

Show up at hot girl's house. Completely empty. "Hey, my dad's at work and my mom's on a business trip, so the house is completely empty right now.

Uh, okay, why the hell does this even matter to me. "Okay, so where's the homework? You're straight up just lying on the couch, I thought you needed help."

"I know, but I thought we could just, you know...talk first."

"...Sure. How we talk about the Philosophy homework that you needed help with so badly?"

And that I helped that hot girl with her Philosophy homework so hard, she probably couldn't even sleep afterwards. You know how I do.

I try to forget that last one, but I like you, Hubski.

2. Increased accountability for the actions of law enforcement.

okay, so, people suggest this all the time.

but look at the case of Eric Garner: we literally have undisputable video of police killing a man by taking actions explicitly prohibited by the police department, ignoring his pleas for assistance, and then neglecting to attempt resuscitation after he passes out and stops moving. and it doesn't even go to court.

now how are body cameras, phone cameras, any cameras at all, gonna help a goddamn thing?

With respect kb,

If you say a lot of things at people, a lot of people will say things at you.

The world of drama that you kite around is the result of the world of drama that you create. I honestly can't see how things get any deeper than that.

Cashew's wall of text about you, your wall of text about you, all those redditors' walls of text about you, they're all just about you and they're all because of you. They don't affect anyone else who doesn't get involved, and I can wipe you and your drama way with a click of a button.

I think we should all stop toiling over you, and you should stop toiling over your role and influence in every community you're a part of. I think people who get mad at you should keep it between you and them, and not involve anyone else in the things you're a part of.

What is this, Facebook? Jesus Christ. You're a cool guy, just chill out, and chill with rest of us.

(side note: I'm editing this like, all day long dudes, stay tuned)

My advice in the form of "I" statements.

I would read a lot of it. I would ignore a lot of what I read. I would make sure not to erroneously believe that all poetry is Wordsworth and Byron, aka I would read some Bukowski and Ferlinghetti for good measure. I would know that poetry does not have to rhyme. I would experiment. I would have fun. I would go out on a limb and write weird things that don't make sense. I would go for stream-of-consciousness. I wouldn't worry too much about reading too much poetry - but like I said, I'd try to read it if I was trying to get good at it.

I don't know. Pen to paper. You don't need a plot for a poem. Poems with plots are special kinds of poems; "narratives." A poem can just describe something.

I would read Frost and Dickinson. I would try to figure out what poets I hate, and then why. That is as much value as figuring out what you love in poetry and why and it has the benefit of being easier.

I would not embrace making mistakes, I would simply try not to quantify what I was writing in terms of "mistake" or "not a mistake." I would try and simply write to write and approach what I produced and its potential quality after the fact, maybe way after the fact. Don't worry about "good." Worry about - is it fulfilling? Is it enjoyable? Do you, maybe, learn new things about language or yourself while doing it? Are you pushing boundaries? Are you breaking every "rule"? (Don't expect things where you break all rules to be good, by any means, but break them anyway - to see what happens when you do.)

I would use the internet for prompts if I needed them. I would veer away from basing poems too much on one thing, like my internal emotions and whether or not I was feeling stable. I would not lie to myself about inspiration.

I would write a lot of list poems because list poems are fun.

I would read Lana Turner Has Collapsed!