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Counterpoint: back when I was spending every weekend with psychiatrists who worked with the homeless, one of them asked the other how best to address one of her favorite patients, a stoic who had terminal cancer. The more senior of the two observed that letting the patient see her grief was the best gift she could give on the basis that we gauge our lives by the impact we have on others. Knowing others are mourning us permits us to know we are worth mourning. Being remembered for the good stuff is not the same thing as being mourned for the potential good stuff we will never contribute.