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kingmudsy  ·  1625 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: October 16, 2019

    They're no oak trees, but they're still pretty, so I'll work with that.

At this point "The squirrels won't eat them" is an improvement over your last crop. Let us know how this next batch of seedlings goes!

    Finally acknowledging that I'm having some very real problems make things feel less scary and more scary than before.

Two years ago I did something very, very stupid. After noticing a lump in my right testicle, I decided to be in denial about it for almost a year. I did my best not to think about it for the entire time, simply repressing the thoughts whenever they came up and trying to avoid touching it by any means (As if avoiding concrete interaction with it would keep it imaginary). The entire time, it was a burden to me. Even when I wasn't thinking about it, I knew there was a chance I was killing myself by not having it looked at. For awhile it was easy to focus on other things - I was just too stressed to have it looked at, and it was too easy to distract myself with work, assignments, exams, relationship woes, or whatever else.

When I finally got it checked out, it was obviously a relief to discover that it was simply a cyst that wouldn't require treatment...But the biggest relief (and one I haven't bothered articulating until now) was when I walked into the doctor's office for the first time, knowing it was finally going to be examined and that the consequences would be happening rather than just haunting me.

All this to say that I get it. Facing something down after running from it can be a relief, because running is exhausting. I hope you know I can sympathize with part of your journey, and I'm wishing you well for the parts that are foreign to me. I hope you'll continue to give us updates as you find appropriate and bearable, you're in my thoughts applewood.