I can’t start therapy yet since I’m leaving the country in a week (although I’ve looked into student services in Baden-Württemberg and I should be able to get cheap counseling there), so instead I send strings of messages like this to my friends:

I had a dream that I was full of regret for not applying to Harvard

I think I might be secretly full of regret for not applying to Harvard

I think whenever I achieve something (like getting into a great school) I hate it a little bit because it was supposed to fill the void and it’s not, but instead of recognizing that I can’t ever fill the void with accomplishments, I just think “oh okay I need to accomplish something even more impressive”

And then also failure is devastating because for a minute it’s like “oh now I might never be happy”

Growing up constantly being told how smart and gifted and special I am (and, it was implied, am expected to remain) really fucked me up, I think.

I found a new coffee shop, though! Cool staff, not too busy, and a killer cortado. Spent an hour there today working on Tig Notaro's book.