Turns out bikes and bike parts are fragile.
I ride 120-150 miles a week, depending on whether it's a 4-day or a 5-day week (my schedule is 4 days on, 2 days off, which causes some odd precessing away from traditional weekends). Which means every four days, I put the bike up on the stand, wash it, clean the chain, lube everything and deal with the stuff that's been bugging me for a hundred miles (squeaky front brakes, sticky shift on 8th gear, etc). I put the beastie away at the end of last season having just gotten to 75 thousandths wear on the chain... a chain that gets cleaned and lubed every 120 miles but which also has 3,000 miles on it. The intent was to change the chain when I had time, which was Sunday.
So now it won't take any power in the bottom two gears 'cuz the cassette is thrashed, apparently, and in attempting to adjust around this I also discovered that the rear derailleur is donezo and that the front tire has cracks in it you could drive a nail file through and my buddy told me he put like 10 miles on it while I was gone and I believe him. Also he lowered the seat an inch and a half and I raised it an inch and kept it there for two days and I'm still saddle sore so apparently I'm rather using this bike.
It also hasn't been that hot and I went through a 24oz bottle of water twice yesterday (thank god for the water fountain at Griffith Park) and since I left my camelbak up in Washington 'cuz I hate riding with shit on my back I'm gonna be one of those doofi with water bottles hanging off the saddle 'cuz it's a good 15-20 degrees cooler this year than it was last year but I remember 115 in Glendale and apparently I need even more water this year than last and that heat wave got legit scary.