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goobster  ·  724 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: You're Opioid

I like the sentiment and feeling in this poem. It is evocative. But it also brings out my inner editor in weird ways.

As a writer, my eye keeps snagging on the "You're opioid" phrase. It's awkward, and I don't know what it is supposed to mean.

"You are an opioid."

"You are an opiate."

"You are my opioid."

"You are my opiate."

Any of those are correct. But the "you're" contraction loses the possessor of the object - "an" or "my" - and makes the meaning ambiguous.

"Opioid" is also a clinical term, and feels out of place to me in a love/lustful poem like this. "My drug", or "my high", or "like heroin in my veins", all speak to the feeling she inspires in you, without making me think of hospital green and beeping machines.

And there is a beautiful repetition that can be drawn out here, with the "You are" phrase at the beginning of lines 6-7. Some rethinking/rewording to make every sentence begin with "You are", creates a rhythm that can be repeated each line... until the last one, when you can break the rhythm to emphasize the last line.

Who am I? Not a poet. Just someone who read your poem and sees an alternate version that could refine the message and the meter. Thanks for sharing it with us. If any of what I said inspired you to create a V2 of this, I'd love to read it as well!