I'm hiding most of it, often enough even from myself. I grew up in an abusive environment where being not what Mommy wants one to yields anything from a verbal backhand to childish fits of anger and/or tears. This and the part of the Russian culture that I grew up around - which is to say, the extension of what I had at home - made me a recluse and an outcast, a model of behavior which I internalized. I learned not to show any part of myself that I actually enjoyed because I was afraid of being rejected so much; still am, to an extent. It also led to the idea of me being somehow unfit to be if I think or feel this or that; I spent a lot of time in self-pity because I have little to know innate empathy (or it's just buried deep), which made me feel alien to others and, thus, inferior to them (which led to superiority complex... bad shit).

Now, though, I've learned a bit of self-reliance and personal responsibility and I realize that, actually, I do have control over my life. To cut the story short, this feeling of being in control of my life gives me confidence and self-respect to follow my own better judgement and the rules I've written for myself to make my life better, and that allows me to express myself to a bigger extent even to those whose opinion I weigh high (which usually means I'd try to weasel my way into their approval in hopes of spoken compliments).

This thing still persists, though. The other day I went to the university cafeteria and sat down next to my friend with the friends of hers whom I barely know. One of the friend's friends, a cheerful and open-hearted girl, asked me what my interests are. I could feel "BACK DOWN, SHE'S INVADING YOUR PRIVACY" yelling in the back of my head, which is how I react to lesser-known people being straightforward about wanting to learn something about me. I hesitated to reply and, instead, got by on the friends' suggestions. I know how to be confident - and I tried it a few times - but often enough I'm too stressed by whatever's around me (which I do unconsciously - I'm a drama queen) to go with it.

Still, I'm working on it. Some days - like now, with me taking a rest from the university - are better, some days are worse; often enough, I can't even make ends meet, emotions-wise, because I so got used to bottling it up due to having no place to express myself and learn how to do it productively - which, I suppose, is the main reason why what I do sucks so much.