Just started an Intensive Outpatient program after being in partial hospitalization for three weeks. I've been struggling with social anxiety and depression for a while, but just suffered silently for most of my adolescence. This year, though, was definitely the worst year of my life. My depression and anxiety were exacerbated by smoking and I pretty much just suffered my own personal hell for a while. I was completely isolated and my only friend was one person I smoked with, I never hung out with anyone else unless it was through him. I also pretended to be a major stoner, who was high a lot of time, so people would just leave me alone; maybe I was a stoner, at my worst I was sneaking out at night and smoking every other day it seemed like.
A lot of my depression stemmed from a lot existential angst, mainly having to do with nihilism. I was a major nihilist and the apathy that that caused was again exacerbated by my drug use. I think I have solved a lot of the existential portion, but I am yet to do anything to solve my social anxiety, or do anything about for that matter. I am facing some new challenges and while I am still scared at what's ahead, I am hopeful and a little happy for the first time in a while.
Sorry about the bummer I guess, it just feels good to vent, maybe I should start posting with a depression tag. Would anyone else like to start a depression and anxiety tag with me, or maybe just mental health? Sharing with others who have similar experience is very therapeutic.
Anyway I've been reading Infinite Jest lately, but I haven't read it in a few days. I am on page 250, but I don't know if it's worth it to go on, but I was enjoying myself, I just got back in to video games for the first time in a while, but it's a major time sink. I need to chill out with the video games considering I have problems with isolation.
Anyone seen any good movies lately? The last movie I watched was Synecdoche New York, written and directed by Charlie Kaufman. I watched it three times last weekend. It's about life and death and how time slips away from you if you don't pay attention. It presents two flawed ways to live your life: minimizing your problems or ignoring them, or inflating your problems and worrying about yourself, health, and death, living in constant regret and really never giving yourself a chance to enjoy yourself, which is the whole point of life isn't it? . It's basically a guide on how to not to live your life and I'm grateful for seeing it at such a pivotal time in my life. Hope everyone else is enjoying themselves. I am excited and a little scared about what the future might bring, but overall I'm hopeful.