Far away in a dream, royalty is
postponed with a brisk lunar
walk alongside an apocalyptic scene.
Dark and endless would be the
pain of a billion suffering stars
which never were nursed. A universe
with a dull appetite for repetition
and fundamental order that is
interpreted as chaos by an insignificant
homeless planet that rushes to nowhere.
Every rain drop filled with the hopes
of a working station making decisions
for future generations.
Chilling is the thought of a family in peril.
Navigating around the orbit of sadness,
the dizzying effect takes hold of a
leaf in autumn. Working to feed an
overweight baby who doesn't know
how to play with his friends or his weapons.
Shout a thousand shouts that the
elephant may hear your cries of desperate
madness enchanting a forest that
never existed. Green, blue and white
are the colors of this dormant dream.
A wall covered in solitude and kindness
still stands in the midst of an age
dominated by illogical dragons who spit
controlled and united mailboxes. Flying
away to a paradise infused with insomnia
and pools of bear urine only takes three
cups of courage mixed patiently with seventy
tablespoons of dread. Countless violin strings
weeping for mountains that the eye can never
reach with its eyelashes. Visions of elegance were
never so clear and popular amongst the deadly
rice seeds who dance during the midnight
of their thoughts. Go and tell the children
of passion to quit ending their conquest
of young virgin oceans, to come back to a
population of realities who long for them
with childlike dreams of a past world.
There's a lot of convoluted, purposefully-syntactically-flipped sentences in here. I think that your poem would have a lot more power if they weren't out of order like that. For example: to "The thought of a family in peril is chilling." I just don't think that a sentence should be made out of order in order to make the sentence sound more "philosophical" or like it has somehow more weight.
to Dark and endless would be the
pain of a billion suffering stars
which never were nursed.
The pain of a billion suffering stars
which never were nursed
would be dark and endless.
Chilling is the thought of a family in peril.
Thx refugee, I have that same issue with most of my writing, where i also view it as pretentious and snobbish. Made to appear it has weight when in reality there is a void there, an emptiness of sorts. I dig what you have to say about the style, i personally see how constructing a sentence in such a way is or might appear annoying, the reason i write is such a structure is because English is not my first language, but it is my preference to write in it. also, when i write in such a structure, i perceive that it has a different connotation, creating more imagery and warmth.
i don't know which i like better, i am not sure if its a preference issue or if its syntax or structurally incoherent or simply wrong on my part.
I enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing. Particularly the imagery of the obese baby that doesn't know how to play with it's toys/weapons. -A metaphor for all humanity?