ANATOMY OF A KEGGER

(From the long lens of maturity)

The first thing to understand is that the loud music, the freely-flowing (cheap) alcohol, the terrible lighting are all designed to lower inhibitions and suppress individuality. It’s a drum circle, anthropologically speaking. The point is to take a large number of individuals and turn them into a cohesive group.

The next thing to understand is that this ritual exists because everyone is frightened, everyone is alone, everyone is reaching out for some form of human connection but everyone is inhibited by their shyness, by their alienation. The jungle drums and fermented poi exist to broach the boundaries of propriety for those that lack the strength to vision quest on their own.

Finally, you need to understand that conformity is a powerful social signal, particularly amongst the Greek societies of American colleges. It’s a big, long, “one of us, one of us, one of us” ritual designed to align those of similar affinities into a structure that self-perpetuates and protects its own. Your reaction to this structure is one that damages your likelihood of being invited back. Which is probably fine by you. But listen for a minute.

I have had very few thoughts in my life that I consider to be genuine insights. However, “stupid teen parties” (and their Greek descendants) become an understandable, tolerable, manageable thing when you consider it from this perspective:

Humans are social creatures. So are sheep. So are wolves. Some humans are herd animals. Some humans are pack animals. Understand who you are and understand who you are dealing with.

The external perspective on a kegger is that of an unorganized miasma of inebriation and inappropriate social cues. This is conditionally true from a macro sense; more accurately, the organization and leadership is not visible to the average participant (we’ll come back to that). Speaking frankly, the goal of a kegger is to make the sheep even more sheep-like. This tends to annoy wolves when they aren’t paying attention to the mechanisms at play.

Stripping your experience down to its raw essentials, you:

- were invited to a social event by a girl that you find “incredibly persistent” and “kinda cute.”

- were introduced to her boyfriend and three eligible females.

- “leaned against a wall and morphed into it like a shadow.”

This was a mistake. You were fixated on the environment and ignored the context. Pretend that instead of being invited to a kegger, you were invited to a gallery opening. Strip out the terrible music, the red keg cups and the unconsciously-racist trollops in their Juicy Couture and run it back in your head in a different tableau. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Do you see your mistake? In case you don’t, let me expound a little bit, again from the lofty perch of experience:

- hookups are the coin of the realm in post adolescent culture. A currently-attached girl expended some of her social capital on the investment that you would provide a dividend by engaging at least one of her three friends in some form of courtship.

- your immediate reaction was to be dismissive towards all of them because you couldn’t divorce yourself from the environment.

- your considered reaction is “I hate parties” without understanding down to your very bones that it’s not about the party.

I spent two years at a college with no Greek system. I then transferred to a college with an endemic, pernicious Greek system. Worse, I studied mechanical engineering at a school with an endemic, pernicious Greek system - my peers were Nigerian nationals, Vietnamese nationals, Chinese nationals and frat rats. Fortunately for me, I was mixing at the biggest club in Seattle within three days of starting classes - I actually spent more time “behind the scenes” at kegger-like environments than I did in class.

When your view on the culture is top-down, you learn a few things.

The first thing to know is that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Just because you’re in an environment full of sheep getting their sheep on does not mean you need to bleat and baa your way to conformity. The system is designed to drive out leadership and initiative, but only because the overwhelming majority of participants are seeking exactly that. Break it down to the subtext:

“Welcome to this loud and unpleasant environment. I find you attractive but am currently involved with someone. Please choose from among these three maidens I present to you and do not disappoint me by acting in a maladroit and antisocial manner.”

The next thing to know is that a kegger is a hub not a destination. The goal of a kegger is to find people to do other things with. That could be as simple as bailing for a club - or even a goddamn Denny’s. “I’m so hungry right now!” is an invitation to say “Me too! I’d kill for a Grand Slam breakfast - wanna go?” Think of it as a gathering place, not as an experience. Even better, think of it as a target-rich environment.

A killing field.

A pasture upon which to launch your pointy teeth.

Finally, you need to understand down to your very bones that the entire structure, the artifice in its completeness, the alpha and the omega of the affair is designed to give scared people a place to be less scared for the enrichment of the Overlords. Frats are expensive. Sororities are expensive. Lots of dues go into parties, lots of personal involvement. These things are designed to palliate the masses so that the people on top can continue to profit. There’s nothing “party-like” about it.

I long since learned that it is far better to throw a party than to go to a party. You’re in control. You dictate the music. And best of all, you’re so busy keeping people happy that you don’t have to get sucked into the miasma they’re designed to perpetuate. Last “kegger” I threw? I got to 3rd base with three girls and got laid twice, son. Trust me - you’re in a much better position when you’re in charge of these things. That’s something I learned mixing in the clubs. For one thing, your drinks are free. For another, you’re the only caste with privacy (you probably have your own bathroom). For yet another, the fact that the velvet rope is invisible to you has a bizarre cachet - you wouldn’t think you’d get used to being propositioned for sex by random strangers but you do.

So don’t give up on parties. And don’t sit there mired in your own self-righteousness about them either. Yeah, the music will suck. Yeah, you will be surrounded by assholes. Yeah, it gets tedious and tiresome to see the baser nature of humanity flaunted and celebrated. But also remember that the whole point of these things is social lubrication and if you insist on getting stuck about it, you’re missing out on opportunity.

If you really hate it that much, learn to DJ. You have to put up with nobody’s bullshit and your every interaction is a gift from the heavens to some people. Besides which, getting a room of 700 people pumping to a beat you control is goddamn addictive.

Either way I left the party very early, and relatively upset, without really knowing why.

This might be good for you to try to understand.

"And this is my boyfriend, Alex!"

This is going so well right now

Did you go because you thought there was something with this girl?

I think I can understand where you're coming from, but I also think that trying to see things from another perspective would be helpful. It's pretty easy to judge things and frame things negatively when we haven't seen the inside, or considered that what we see is not all there is.

I am someone who loves alcohol and loathes parties. I think parties, no matter what the 'scene', bring out the worst in people. There's a group dynamic that emerges that I find incredibly off putting. I would rather shoot myself that to even enter a dance club (I once had fun at one when I was on an unhealthy amount of blow; so that should tell you all you need to know). I think it's great to have the confidence to "just say no" to parties. And as parties go, there's none worse than the college variety (well, maybe a wedding where you don't really know anyone): the music is bad; the drinks are terrible; the people are lame; and the conversation does not really even exist. My advice is to stay away. I used to go from time to time when I was your age for the simple reason that I wanted to hang out with friends, and that's what they found enjoyable. If you're not into it, there's no point in pretending. Just say no.

Pour up DRANK

Head shot DRANK

That sounds awful. For me, parties can be absolutely wonderful but only when there is good music that I enjoy dancing to or music at a level at which I can have a constructive conversation with interesting people. But crappy music, surrounded by crappy people equals a crappy experience.

There was definitely a time in my life when I would have enjoyed a party like that though, but only because I would have been trying to hook up with girls. That was in my 16 to 24-year-old phase.

A couple of years ago I went out in Chapel Hill, on the UNC campus with some friends. We ended up at a bar full of undergrads and I've never felt so out of place in my life. I think people must have thought I was an undercover cop for a giant pervert.… I'm definitely not an undercover cop.

The scene of a party really dictates how it's going to go, the one that you ended up at? Well, that's the kind of party that I probably wouldn't like very much either. But the "hipster-crowd-counter-culture-ish" parties that I frequent are mostly great and not at all like what you experienced. It sounds like that's the sort of "rager"/house turned into a club that is what you see in movies or on tv when people try to depict college parties.

Despite you not enjoying it, I would say it might be beneficial to look at it as a moment of you stepping outside of your comfort zone. There's nothing wrong with that, and I don't think one bad experience should permanently shut you off from trying it again, because as I said mileage may vary when it comes to parties or stuff like that.

"Hey, 8-Bit, glad you could come!" she says.

"I'm not!"

"So this is [Interchangeable Sorority Name], [Interchangeable Sorority Name], and [Interchangeable Sorority Name]!"

"I have already forgotten who you are!"

"A bunch of wealthy white kids drinking crap-tons of alcohol. Sorority girls dropping the n-word in the most disingenuous way possible while singing to mediocre rap songs. Standing around, talking, but not really saying anything because they're wasted. "

"I'm not really judging the way they do things."

You sure about that last one? You seem like an asshole, to be honest. But I throw and go to lots of parties so I find you equally unrelatable. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you don't plan to end the party in a sweaty pile you need some kind of distraction.

When I spent a lot of time intoxicated my favorite parties were LAN parties, tabletop game parties, concerts, themed parties like rocky horror or a-fest or watching presidential debates, etc. These things are still fun sober :)

Sadly, you went to a crappy party. They exist and happen more often than you think. This is a party I would not enjoy too.

If you would have asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that "this is the way things are". But now, meh, this is not even close to a good party.

First, lets talk alcohol. I was born and raised in an arabic town in Israel. No alcohol for me. Then I moved to Germany for studies. Too much alcohol for me. For the first 3-4 years thats all I did. Get drunk, party hard and sometimes wake up in a puddle of vomit. I am not proud of that, but it was a lesson I needed to learn.

I guess everything changed when I moved to London for half a year. Where alcohol is not as cheap as in Germany and did cost loads of money to get drunk. So, I learned to party sober, which is cool, if the party is the right now. Later I tried MDMA and Weed which are MUCH better alternatives to alcohol, but you cannot actually compare them to each other, but that is another story.

I am not anti-social, on the contrary. I am loud and like talking to everyone. On MDMA I turn into a social beast :D But, I can relate a little bit to how you feel on parties. It was the same when I was in high school. Even though the parties in the arabic world are very different, I was the social outkast.

I am not telling you to change the way you are, specially if you are feeling comfortable with how things are. But don't give up on parties. There are different ones and you will find your niche.

If you are anywhere close to germany, come for a visit, we will have some shisha and tee and listen to some music with a bunch of friends. Because, this is also a party :)

Go to some anarchist parties. Smarter people and they're usually very cool about things like social anxiety.

I know exactly how you feel, man. I've never been to a party like that for the same reasons. Also I've never been invited to one. I'm not sure if I'm introverted or anti-social, and I'm not sure what the difference is to be honest. I feel really uncomfortable even in a group with four or five friends, so big crowds of strangers are definitely a thing I try to avoid. It's cool that you made yourself go, even if you had a terrible time and left early. I would not have had the confidence to show up in the first place.

If it helps at all, I just got back from an event with a similar crowd... I don't know if you've ever heard of the band Slightly Stoopid, but they're some white dudes with hilariously long shorts who play reggae. I went to their concert (my dad is into them and didn't have anyone to go with) and it was pretty awkward. Frat boys, rich suburban girls, and one black guy - then me, whatever generalization I fall under. Even though the purpose of everyone being there was to see a band rather than socialize, I felt excluded from whatever was happening, like they were all experiencing this show together and I was the outsider trying to blend in and they all knew.

I'm worried that I sound like an asshole and if that's the case I'm sorry. I actually in a lot of ways admire all those kids. I still think marijuana culture is pretty lame, but it's so cool that they can go to any place and have fun. They can talk and dance and bond with strangers and then go home as if it was just another weekend.

I don't know if that mentality is better or worse than mine, but it's certainly no less fulfilling. You might disagree, all I'm trying to say is that I feel your frustration.