I was preparing a workshop about goalsetting (the dark side) and how difficult and confusing it can be for women in particular, but probably for everybody, when wrenauld wrote me disparagingly about goals or paths, saying this:
- "People frame life in terms of "being on a path" in order to establish order where there probably isn't much - and to maintain focus and discipline when their lives, insecurities, and emotions, beckon them towards other pursuits."
- "Yes, perhaps they do - but it sounds like a good idea, eh?"
There is a very distinct path everyone is on in life. At the end of this path you die. You are born at the foot of a mountain and told that you will climb it, just like your parents with their mountains. And unless you have constant short term memory loss, or long term, you are told to bring torches to mark where you've been. When you turn 18, or sometimes earlier, you at put at the foot of the mountain and told to climb. And so you do. You try college, a job, or just sort of float around the mountain path, but you climb it knowingly or not. Problem is, the mountain is really, really foggy. Hence the torches to help you know where you've already been. And you climb and climb and climb and it keeps getting foggier and foggier. You might even cross paths with another person, maybe even frequently enough to call it a relationship, but either way those paths are distinct and while they may run parallel that is all the intimacy they can ever hope to share, but its enough, so you keep climbing. Then, if those paths are in contact for a time, or at the right time, you stop and make camp to prepare your kid for their own journey up the mountain. The fog really isn't as heavy during this time; its a lot easier to see tomorrow when you already know its "take care of child." But, eventually they have to leave, and so do you. So the fog returns and you start back up, two decades older and none the wiser about what lies ahead. Its only when you reach the very end that you find out what you've been climbing towards. Death. Sometimes its a shorter mountain, but it all leads to the same place. Sometimes its peaceful, sometimes it isn't. But that's the path I'm on. The goal I have is to die having done something to be remembered by, but the path leads the same place and I can't help but climb it every second of every day.
That is very well-said. Your analogy reminds me of a conversation I had with Tanzanian slum-dwellers as part of my thesis on why, given the extensive knowledge on HIV/AIDS and other STDs, they continue having high rates of unprotected sex. One man explained to me (and this is a translation): Essentially, he was describing their hopelessness. They have no future; their future is their dreary day-to-day subsistence existence. They don't plan ahead, or consider the consequences of their actions, because they are too far down to see anything else. Being able to plan ahead, and envision a path ahead of you, is a luxury reserved for those who have moved up in life and who are high enough on that mountain to be able to actually look around at their possibilities and options.When you're at the bottom of a mountain, you can't see anything around you, just your immediate surroundings. They look the same every single day. We are at rock-bottom; we have no future. We have nothing to look forward to. The higher you climb, the more you can see your opportunities and you can envision a future for yourself.
Good morning JTH - thanks for your beautiful essay and analogy. I'm inclined (mountain pun) to agree with you -- Your essay reminded me of this picture I think, for all the fog that we face, along the way we do acquire tools to help us navigate more easily. Some of the tools are consistently effective from mountain to mountain - some less so. 
The goal I have is to die having done something to be remembered by
The goal makes the foggy journey more meaningful, or at least more interesting.
So I've been thinking a lot about my cynical reaction toward goals. It was, as you mentioned Lil, disparaging. So why was I so disparaging? I think it came from fear. I fear making large scale goals for myself because I don't know what I want to do with my life (aside from being happy and bringing this happiness to others). And so I avoid making new goals in fear that each becomes a distinct, definitive commitment; a covenant with my future: once thou begins this activity, thou shall follow through till death do you part! A single 30 minutes on the drums becomes a down payment in a livelihood as a musician. Reading becomes a future as an editor. A journal entry becomes the smatterings of a novel. A massage? A step towards becoming licensed. And so on. It's the trickle down theory of existential anxiety; a burden of expectations, a perfectionists poison! It's exhausting. This makes me think a few things: 1) Focus on what activities make me happy in the moment. Enjoy them. Might actually help with this whole future thing too. 2) Framing activities in terms of long-term existential security can be troublesome. Why do I need that security? One possibility: I have health issues -> I fear not having health insurance (live in U.S.: on mom's plan, goes away when I'm 26) -> so I want a livelihood that provides health insurance -> probably need a high commitment job for that (an assumption with plenty of contradictions) -> I want to enjoy this job -> I need to find out what I am doing with my life NOWWWW!!! -> in order to have good job with good health insurance for the future (not always true) 3) Public health care can help alleviate existential anxiety. Private health care can keep you tethered to the "system" in often unsavory ways. (I'm sure there are counter examples for both). 4) Breathe. Seriously, breathe! and enjoy your friends, family, community, safe spaces to vent, etc. 5) Turn hubski responses into public re-evaluations of one's life processes. 6) Thank all for enduring : ) 7) "Thank you" : P
Re #2 and #3 - or try and move to Canada -- Get thee to graduate school in Canada. There's a newish gov't ruling that says people can linger in the country longer after completing their advanced degrees and legally look for work and move towards landed status and citizenship. Except then you'd lose the beaches and nice weather of San Diego, and your friends . . .
On the other hand, grad school is exciting. Re this A single 30 minutes on the drums becomes a down payment in a livelihood as a musician. Reading becomes a future as an editor. A journal entry becomes the smatterings of a novel. A massage? A step towards becoming licensed. And so on. It's the trickle down theory of existential anxiety; a burden of expectations, a perfectionists poison!
when you are highly skilled and multi-talented it is hard to choose a particular area of focus ... but #1 above might help you pick something. There's a Yiddish expression that translates as "one bum can't sit in two chairs" .. at least not at the same time.
Life has no inherent meaning, but that does not mean we cannot create it ourselves. And we do just that — going through life setting and achieving various goals. I should mention that like really enjoy seeing how far we have come. You will notice that between building onto ours and others' accomplishments and choosing a new goal to work towards, we value the former most. To say that life has a destination is twisting the situation a bit. No one truly has a clear understanding of who he/ she wants to be at the end. I wish to look back at the end and be satisfied, but I hardly believe that this one word "satisfied" can encapsulate what I will be then. I have found that I begin my favorite drawings with single lines not planning how any of it will come together at the end, but when I turn back and see my creation, I find contentedness. Almost in the same way, I view life as macroscopically unplannable , because some things are outside of our control, but we can plan how smaller events will look and try to match it the best we can.
Thanks jemiller, Your comments are helpful in planning this project. Setting and achieving goals seems key to the feeling of satisfaction you all describe. I've heard all these arguments about setting goals.
• Goals, shmoals. Goals are for depressed people. • I want spontaneity. Goals would limit me. • I want to be available for my family, so I limit my personal goals. • Goals? It sounds like more work for me. • I prefer not to focus on myself. Goals make it seem like I'm out for myself. • I'm happy and content with my life so far. Why do I need goals? • How can I enjoy my life if I focus on goals? If I focus on my goals, I might lose sight of the journey. It's like working so hard to get good marks that I don't reflect on what I've learned or what it might mean. and these reasons for not setting goals: I'm not a goal-setter because
I don't know what I want.
I don't know how to set goals. I'm not good at it.
My goals are too big and too many.
I'm afraid I might set the wrong goals.
I'm afraid of being labelled a loser if I do not reach my goals.
I'm afraid of criticism for even having goals.
I'm afraid I'll succeed. I'm afraid I'll fail.
I'm afraid I'll set my goals too high to reach or too low to matter.
I don't want to be seen as ambitious.
Why set goals? I'm not likely to follow through.
Goal-setting is uncomfortable. It's not how I do things.
I believe in fate: what will be, will be.
I don't feel stuck. If I felt stuck, I'd set a goal.
It takes too much time. I'm just going to get out and do things. In fact people are setting goals all the time without formalizing it. There seems to be unexpressed fears around goal-setting which I bring to light in the workshop.
Agreed. We set goals without realizing it every day. "I'm going to get the laundry done by 5 so I can watch [insert tv show/sports game/whatever] and not feel guilty." "I'm going to go to the next PTA meeting, so I can be more involved." "I'm going to go to work tomorrow so I can feed my family."
The real fear is around the bigger goals. As JTHipster points out, the path is very foggy. I'm currently reading a book which argues along the lines of James Campbell's assertion to "find your bliss." The book talks about the feelings you have when you find out what "you are meant to do" - an option perhaps available only to the people in western cultures who are privileged enough to have choices. The book says that when you discover what you are meant to do you feel a sense of meaning and coherence. I guess my real question is this: Are the small goals (laundry, for example) connected to a larger vision of a flourishing life?
I'm more of an "enjoy the moment, not the goal" kind of person. As long as I'm enjoying the moment, and being productive in the now, I know that the goals will come naturally without too much focus or weight on them. As long as the moment is going good and being used well, the future simply gets better as a result. So I tend to focus mostly on the now. But in our modern society I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about goals and the future, because we have to in some aspects. I have things to plan in the future that are important, like my career and my retirement. So I can't be completely oblivious to my future goals, or else those things could get lost. But the journey is the most important part, because the journey is here right now, and it's always here, everyday. Goals and destinations are far off in the future and may never come, but today is always here and you can always make something of it. This video was something that really opened up my mind to answering this question for myself, and it's also what got me into reading Alan Watts, and what eventually lead to me picking up Zen Buddhism practices in my life. Life as Music:
I liked the video and as a student at university I do feel as if I am just working my arse off to get a 1st class degree (British equivalent something like a 3.68 or higher in the USA) and then go to a good graduate school, etc. What works by Alan Watts would you recommend I read?
I liked the books "The Wisdom of Insecurity" and "The Book" by Alan Watts quite a bit. http://www.amazon.com/The-Wisdom-Insecurity-Message-Anxiety/... http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing/dp/0679...
We are similar in these regards. All of what you wrote resonated, especially the tinkering with a recipe. I have an ancient proverb hanging in my office "there is no beauty but the beauty of action". Rings very true for me.
I love building and creating things, whether its working on my house or conjuring a new experiment at work. Its almost the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. If I don't have a goal or a task I get depressed, because I feel like my life is becoming a waste. Even very small things--say, like trying to improve a recipe--I find a lot of enjoyment in. I don't view myself as being on a grand path, but I'm very goal oriented. One reason I love being a scientist is that I get to think of things to do that nobody has even done before, and thus become a source of knowledge instead of just a consumer. Also I get to do fun shit like tear microscopes to pieces and rebuild them. I think creating is the greatest virtue of life.
Not sure why it didn't reply to you, but this was a response: http://hubski.com/pub?id=69537 to your comment. Must have been on my phone.
I'm so damned busy with all my work, hobbies and yes... goals that I don't much take the time to contemplate. I guess Forest Gump says it best regarding whether there is a fate or if we are "all floating around accidental like on a breeze." He says,"both, I think both are happening at the same time." I think your question could be answered the same way, I both see myself on a path and in the immediate moment. One cannot exist without the other. Hope that makes sense.
I guess I do "contemplate on the go" in the sense that I have goals, and a plan to achieve them. What I meant is that I don't spend much time navel gazing as to "what it all means", I have too much to do :-) I suppose someday I will have time to reflect more. I have a friend named Ralph (ralphstallard1) that is probably around 80-85 years old. He once referred to this time of my life as the "productive years". He didn't mean this as a slight to any other portion of life. I also don't think he meant to suggest that this part held more value. What I think he meant is that these years will be busy, full of plans and action and will leave little time for such "navel gazing". Eventually, life will slow down and I'll have more time for reflection. What I have gathered from Ralph is that just because the hurried nature of work and raising a family subsides, it doesn't mean that personal progress should subside as well. I look forward to the days when my chief accomplishments are to satisfy my curiosities. To read only what I'd like, to gain more practical knowledge of my world and the people in it. I think Ralph may be the most senior hubskier. He is most certainly one of the most interesting. lil, I think you two would get along famously. He's a great man. I think I ought to carve out more time for contemplation. Thanks for this thread.
I find it more useful to specify a direction rather than a path. I'll often re-assess my goals for the next 5-10 years and evaluate whether I'm on the right track. It's more like a "join the dots" activity for me. How do I get from point A to point B in given amount of time t? Is it feasible? Have I been working enough to get to point B in t months/years? There are some things that can't be avoided (stick to the path), but there are also many decisions which allow for spontaneity. As dad says, pick something, make the most of it, never look back.