Sorry things are still shit for you, dude. Fingers crossed for a good outcome re probation. > My legs stopped working about a week ago and I dragged my stupid ass out of traffic wtf? What caused that?
monday night i attended my second meeting of a transfem support group thing in the city. it's a great feeling to be surrounded by other people who understand it, who you don't have to explain things to. it's interesting being surrounded by trans people from my age and decades older: people that i wouldn't otherwise feel like i'm peers with, but who i'm able to socialize with as equals. i connected with somebody there and we were friends instantly. it feels like we've known each other for a long time. yesterday we went out to a bookstore and then for lunch, which turned into her coming back to my apartment and us hanging out through dinner. it was a really great day. being a trans woman is a politically radicalizing experience. you go from the top of the social hierarchy to pretty close to the bottom. through forced exposure to empathy or through just sheer selfinterest, the trans overton window starts at rabid bidenite and ends somewhere left of stalin. turns out the way that a lot of troubled young boys get rescued from the neonazi pipeline is through estrogen i said the other night that we are living through the storm right now. trans people are the topic of every nitwit oped and the undercurrent behind this decade's cultural hysteria. we are being hung out to dry. but fundamentally, it's a reactionary wave driven by trans success. we're in the public eye because we're winning, and people don't like it. i was talking to my friend yesterday about it: we're both the same age (23), but even since we were kids hitting puberty and dealing with misunderstandings and discrimination, things have gotten so much better. people are trying to put us back in the dark, and i will burn in hell before i go
Feeling more calm than I've felt in quite some time. Sounds like it is noticeable too, based on the number of people who have told me "you've been really, really chill lately". Kind of doing my own thing, getting a lot done at work, back to long runs (17 miles each of the last 2 Saturdays, 13 miles the Saturday before that) to train for my next 50k. Rock climbing is off to an AWESOME start to the season. Most importantly, I'm learning how to say no to things and to people. Maintaining Tuesday and Wednesday nights as my "routine" nights where I go to a run club, and go gym climbing with the same friend, respectively. Feeling...good? Content and like I'm actually committing to myself and some goals I have for this year, and finding ways to learn and be okay with the trade-offs I'm making to pursue them, which is a new feeling.
We’re pretty set on the Manaslu hike in Nepal. Taking the plane tonight, starting the hike the 11th. Got pre-rejected from a fun work gig cause I can’t work in the USA. But in the way they messaged me, sounds like I was short-listed for the interview process. At least it got me to do a nice re-edit of my CV! Big freezing rain back at home, trees falling on cars and power lines and half the city without electricity. It looks beautiful tho. Starting to miss people back home, but maybe it’s just that I’ve been idle in the past weeks. Once I’m in a new country exhausting myself hiking every day it will probably pass. Considering attempting a 30-day meditation streak for the duration of my Nepali Visa and stay. Seems the kind of fitting wooowoo activity, and a good moment to give it a go. Just do a daily unguided 20-30 mins? My quick research of guided meditations only turns up shitty « increase your earning potential and self esteem » or « destress and fall asleep » ones that’s don’t feel right. Open to advice and suggestions if you have some - I’ve only attempted it sporadically a handful of times in the past, never more than 2 days in a row. I’m a complete beginner. Namaste my friends!
I do this thing (pasted the text below), and have been doing it for a while. Dunno if it impacted me in any significant way, but it's an oddly satisfying way to cool down after workout. Practice: Mindfulness of Breathing 1. Posture: Find a place where you can sit comfortably, perhaps on a chair with a firm seat, one that’s low enough for the feet to be flat on the floor. Place hands on the thighs. If possible, sit with the spine self-supporting, so you aren’t leaning on the backrest of the chair (unless you know you need extra support). You can close the eyes, or have them open, perhaps letting the gaze fall downwards, a few feet in front of the body. 2. Following the breath: Bring attention to breathing. Feel the breath moving in and out of the body—tuning in to its rhythm and flow. Feel the texture of the breath in the belly, and the movements of the abdominal wall with each inhalation and exhalation. You don’t have to breathe deeply—just let the breath happen as it happens. 3. Working with wandering: You’ll probably notice the attention sometimes wanders to some other object. Or you might find yourself thinking about the breath, or analyzing the benefits of mindful breathing, or telling yourself you’re doing this well or badly, or wondering what’s going to happen next, or wanting to stop. Simply acknowledge that the wandering has happened, and gently bring attention back to breathing. You don’t need to berate yourself or see distraction as a problem or failure—each time you notice the mind has wandered, you’ve already come back to mindfulness. You might like to congratulate yourself when you notice the wandering, and choose to come back to the breath. A Practice for Labelling Thoughts and Emotions 1. Find a comfortable posture. Allow the body to settle into a posture that supports the qualities of stillness, alertness, and relaxation. For most people this can be accomplished by sitting in a chair in a way that embodies dignity without tension. Take a moment now to find a feeling of uprightness in the spine, while at the same time relaxing the muscles in the face, neck, and shoulders. If you’re comfortable with it, allow the eyes to close gently. If not, or if you’re feeling sleepy, maintain a soft focus on the floor in front of you, letting the eyes take in light without seeking sensory input. 2. Turn your attention to the breath. Allow the out-breath to be even longer than the in-breath. After your third out-breath, let the breath find its own natural pace, relinquishing any control of the breath. Gently begin to gather your attention on the sensations in the belly as you breathe. 3. Bring kindness to your practice. As you direct your attention to the breath, see if you can bring kindness, patience, and humor to the wandering mind, especially at the beginning of the meditation practice. If you find it helpful, use the labeling technique to help steady the mind on the breath; rising for the in-breath, and falling for the out-breath. See if you can savor the experience of the breath as you might savor a gourmet meal. Each bite, each breath, unique and delicious. While maintaining the breath as an anchor or home base of your attention, expand your field of awareness to include thoughts as objects of attention. 4. Label your thoughts. Whenever you become aware of thinking, use a quiet label, or more specific labels like “planning” or “judging.” See if you can maintain awareness of the thought without trying to get rid of it, or getting lost in the story of that thought. Whether it’s a vague wisp of a thought or a strong storyline, simply note “thinking.” 5. Be with what comes up. If the thought fades or vanishes, return your attention to the breath. If a sensation or a sound becomes strong enough to call your attention away from the breath, allow it to become the new primary object of your awareness. Explore the experience with steady and kind curiosity, without any agenda to change or get rid of it. You might also notice that feeling’s tone (for example, pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral) as feeling tones tend to be more apparent with sounds and sensations. 6. Let the breath continue to be your anchor or home base. Return your attention to the sensations of the in-breath and the out-breath, when thoughts and sensations aren’t strong enough to call your attention away. Use a soft mental label to note and acknowledge any thoughts, sounds, sensations, and the breath. 7. Now, expand your field of awareness even further to include emotions and mental states. These can be challenging to attend to with mindfulness because they can be both very subtle, and very strong. Emotions like anger or anxiety can be strong and uncomfortable, making it hard to sit still and be present for them. There are several ways to make this easier; first, rather than pursuing the story in the mind, notice the physical sensations that accompany that emotion. See if you can track the inner geography of anger or fear. 8. Label your emotions accurately. It can also be helpful to find an accurate label for that emotion. There are many flavors of anger, for example, such as annoyance, rage, resentment, and aggravation. Finding the right label can give you the same feeling as hitting a tennis ball on the sweet spot of your racket; it just clicks. Sometimes emotions can feel threatening and there may be a fear that they might swallow us up or overwhelm us. As real as this threat might feel, it’s usually irrational. For both strong and subtle emotions it can also be helpful to give yourself permission to peek behind the curtain for a moment to see what you are feeling. You don’t have to stay long or dig anything up. Just take a quick peek, perhaps feeling right into the center of your chest, and give yourself permission to return to the breath whenever you need to. 9. Let your attention move freely. For the remainder of the meditation, let your attention move freely to whatever experience is strong enough to call it away from the breath—This could be a thought, sound, sensation, image, or a mental state. See if you can stay connected to this experience with affectionate awareness while noting with curiosity and interest what happens to it upon observation, and when it’s no longer predominant. Return your attention to the breath from time to time. 10. Notice the quality of your attention. Make any adjustments necessary in order to balance your energy and help you be present and alert. You might also note and label more subtle background mental states such as calmness, boredom, doubt, or apprehension, again without needing to change them in any way. 11. Reflect on what matters to you. In the last few minutes of your meditation take a moment to reflect on what matters most to you. Without overthinking, editing, or slipping into rumination, reflect on what simple value or quality bubbles up to the surface of your mind. It might be kindness, generosity, or authenticity. Set an intention, like charting a course for a boat, to invite more moments of this quality into your life for the remainder of the day. Personal note: I'd like to point out that even trying is a 180 turn for me. Back in 2016 mindfulness meditation was something apparently every other person did but nobody could explain (but buy this app! buy our Mindfullon NZT Forte, 120 caps!), and later if faded away like any other pointless fad. It took a while for me to change opinion, though remain sceptical over any claim beyond "some people with ADD/ASD said it helped them focus on specific task X for durations up to T minutes."
I took up meditation every morning specifically to combat my anxiety (at the time, crippling). Sure enough it was 2016/2017, and there were so many apps floating around. I used Headspace for a year, the guy's voice was easy to listen to. But after a certain period I just didn't need the instruction anymore. Positioning myself outside to look in, I think I need to pick it back up again.
And I'm glad it worked for you. Note that I don't deny any effect, just that most accounts were wildly overstated and done on 'dopamine high' of overall improved mood; cf. the whole nofap crowd where your average NEET stopped yankin' it every five minutes for three days and proclaimed themself Son Goku, PhD. ;) I feel meditating does something positive for me, but think it's just a type of mental priming. Kinda like making your bed in the morning may give you the illusion of beginning your day with a small accomplishment, so it's easier to muster some confidence going into other task in the day. My problem was that either nobody bothered explaining this stuff beyond telling me which app they use or 'explained' in such a handwavy way it made alchemical treatises look like a model lab journal in comparison. The real change in my life was brought by quetiapine and therapy. I also recently got in touch with a place that does ketamine treatments, though I'm undecided about messing up the good thing I have going. Excuse frustration, but I hope you can understand where it came from.
Trying to apply for a government grant to support my burgeoning business. I tell ya, I've written plenty of grants in my life, so I thought I was familiar with what to expect. But I've never done the administrative legwork before, and holy fuck if that isn't another beast entirely. There are at least 4 separate entities you have to register with to actually submit the grant proposal. And each entity has a verification period on which the next registration is dependent. And when I originally tried to do that late last year the system for the top level registration was experiencing technical difficulties, so I put it off. I have a submission deadline of May 27, and now I might miss it since I just started the registration process this week...a full 8 weeks in advance! That's our government at its finest. "We'll give you free money, but only if you don't kill your self out of despair after having jumped unsuccessfully through the thirtieth hoop." It's funny, because you're like, wow I like democrats because they want to give me free shit, but also like I am so fed up with this meaningless bureaucratic bullshit that I think I'll become a republican.
I'm writing a grant too. https://nouns.wtf/ Fuck democrats and republicans.