"taken way too seriously" is the subtitle of cuisine from 1992 until now. American cheese is literally reconstituted cheese extract. If they sold it as "deconstructed colby" the steak-in-a-bag crew would be all over it. As it is, I have no problems with vanilla extract, I have no problems with condensed broth, I have no problems with cheese extract, it's just generally there are better options. The way to cure velveetaism is to put out cheese. Swiss, cheddar, provolone. Most people have no idea about wine so they'll drink whatever you tell them is good. Used to be people knew things about cheese, now you can't buy Edam unless you want it cracker-sized.
My dating game in the '90s was to hit up the wine department and say "recommend something I should be paying way more than $15 for but won't have to" and then go to the cheese department and say "recommend three things that go with this." Head to blockbuster, take the whole mess to her house, have a couch picnic, get laid. You are absolutely correct. Everyone needs more gruyere in their life. Around here we wolf Iberico because it's delicious on asian pear. Yet Kroger has absolutely no idea how to prepare sliced Havarti and if Boar's Head doesn't sell it, it's simply not available. I actually have a less puritan take on American cheese than just about anyone around me. The wife won't tolerate it. My daughter was asking for brie by name at three or younger. Me? I find waaaaaaaay too many ways snobbery has been weaponized so I let it go and mourn what's been lost.
...I'm reeling from the idea of a puppy eating a pound of iberico a week. Poor thing must have shit marbles. I would not change a word of your rant. Gimme the DL on cheese paper, though. There was an awesome hoighty toighty cheesemonger I went to once that insisted you had to wrap all cheese in cheese paper. "All cheese?" I asked, and he hedged a little with "All the cheese you're buying."
I’ll unabashedly admit to liking American cheese, but it’s not my favorite Mac-and-cheese cheese. That honor belongs to fontina. Fontina melts like cheddar, but has some funk to it—really lets you know you’re eating cheese in your Mac and not processed cheese product.